i do not love you as if you were salt-rose or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
i love you as certain things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
i love you as the plant that never blooms,
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers.
thanks to your love a certain frangrance,
risen darkly from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
i love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride.
so i love you because i know no other way than this:
where "i" does not exist, nor "you."
so close that your hand upon my chest is my hand.
so close that your eyes close and i fall asleep.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
sometimes there is just so much pain
sometimes i just get overwhelmed by the amount of pain in the world. i think i have a very strange love/hate relationship with that. there are times when i prefer to just shut it out, believe in the hopeful future, and ignore sadness. other times, though, i almost purposely seek it out. i look it. i watch other people's pain play out in movies, or on tv shows like "intervention". maybe i evenplay my role as a good listener just to hear of the turmoil in others' lives. why? i wonder. maybe if i'm thinking about their pain, crying about their pain, helping them through their pain, then i don't have to do that with my own.
i think the word rejection embodies the source of most of my pain. it comes from different angles. one obvious one is self rejection. for all of the education i've had, and the healthy relationships i've made with family and friends, i still don't always remember that i'm beautiful. i don't feel wanted sometimes. i suppose i really mean wanted by a partner, wanted like a soul mate. it shouldn't be that important to me. most days it's not. i enjoy the freedom of not being in a relationship because i don't have to feel as though i'm letting that person down by not being available enough. i know deep down that some of this is a remnant of my last serious relationship. even now, very rarely, but still once in a while, i sit and wonder and what i must have been feeling during those months when we were together. i loved him. i really, honestly did. but my biggest problem was that i thought that my love itself could help him. i know that it takes a willing soul, and a concerted effort to make a real change. i know that. and, maybe he has made that effort now; maybe he is really truly happy and healthy. i would be happy for him if it is. but, the part that gets me, and makes me feel rejected is: why didn't he want it enough when we were together?
this seems so circular to me, so "caught up in the past"; but, i hope that down the road this is helping me somehow. of course a part of me wanted to shut out the hurt. i wanted to move forward and excel and be better - to show him that i didn't need him. i was better off without him. my mom likes to tell me that i don't need a man to complete me. and, i know it. but, that doesn't take away from my wanting to share my life with. i really am a simple person. maybe i was born in the wrong country, or the wrong era. i want to be a wife and a mother. i want to be independent and educated. i want to be creative and useful. i want to work hard and earn my life. i want to contribute to the world beyond myself. but, i so much want to be a part of a family.
if we're going to do the psychoanalysis, which i guess i'm already doing, perhaps that indicates that i don't feel like i am or have been part of a family. it's not true. i do feel connected to my family, especially my sister and my grandparents. i love them more than i can say. but, my male models have always felt somewhat absent. my father wasn't much of one. i don't know whether it is particularly because he didn't know how, or because he just didn't really want to be. when i was very young there was dispute between my parents about distribution of responsibilities, and my mother became a stay-at-home. my dad worked a lot of overtime. i remember not seeing him that much. but, as the years went on i remember my sisters and i not getting along with him. he didn't understand us, and didn't seem to try, so he could never really communicate or interact well. thinking back, there was a time when there was a lot of yelling. now, he's a corpse. he barely makes the effort to greet me when i come home. it makes me feel like he's almost indifferent to my presence. i suppose he's sad now, and depressed. but, i can't assume his excuses for why he's not making a better effort to be a part of my life.
my uncles were good to me, especially the ones on my mom's side. i really consider them to be the fathers in my life. unlike my own, they were the ones that likes giving us hugs, and told us out loud that they loved us. i may not have realised until just now how significant that has been in my life. unfortunately, with distance, it is difficult to spend time with them, especially now. but, even more than that, i accepted that they had their own family to be a part of, their own children to love. i'm sure that they would support me and love me if i let them know i needed it, but i feel like it is my responsibility to recognize the boundary. i want them to be good fathers to their own children.
the man i think i have loved the most, and perhaps may idolise until i die or meet the man who makes me feel just as good (whichever comes sooner), was my nonno. i can't even explain to you why. i really feel as though he and i really were more atuned. he disciplined me, he reprimanded me if i was bad, he was strict when he needed to be. but, he was also very affectionate. strangely, not in a physical way. i mean affectionate in the way he talked to me, and listened to me. he really paid attention. and when i did something well, or that he liked, there was such joy and obvious happiness in his face. i wanted his approval. i wanted his guidance. i just wanted him around. the man was no saint, either. i know the sound of his voice raised in anger. i know that he had a temper, and that sometimes he got a little violent. he was also, in his last few years, somewhat of an alcoholic. maybe because i was only just barely a teenage when he died that i don't understand the intricacies of the situation. but, for what we had i will always be grateful. clearly, he has remained the most beloved man in my life thus far. other than my cousins, he is the only male who's picture has ever been up in my room. he was very precious to me.
i wish sometimes that i could know that there really is someone who will compliment me in all of my ridiculous idiosyncrasies. i wish i could know that say, five years down the road i'll meet that man who will be the balance i want and need. we will challenge, and inspire, and support, and love one another. then i could be patient, and unconcerned about myself now. i could focus on others and the bigger picture because i know that my other half is coming. i have a feeling someone, somewhere out there, is reading this to themselves and shaking their head at me. "you've got it backwards", they say to themselves. you are right. if i focus on the big picture, and be selfless, i will consequently find what i am seeking in all of its forms. i know, but sometimes it is hard to be logical.
i think the word rejection embodies the source of most of my pain. it comes from different angles. one obvious one is self rejection. for all of the education i've had, and the healthy relationships i've made with family and friends, i still don't always remember that i'm beautiful. i don't feel wanted sometimes. i suppose i really mean wanted by a partner, wanted like a soul mate. it shouldn't be that important to me. most days it's not. i enjoy the freedom of not being in a relationship because i don't have to feel as though i'm letting that person down by not being available enough. i know deep down that some of this is a remnant of my last serious relationship. even now, very rarely, but still once in a while, i sit and wonder and what i must have been feeling during those months when we were together. i loved him. i really, honestly did. but my biggest problem was that i thought that my love itself could help him. i know that it takes a willing soul, and a concerted effort to make a real change. i know that. and, maybe he has made that effort now; maybe he is really truly happy and healthy. i would be happy for him if it is. but, the part that gets me, and makes me feel rejected is: why didn't he want it enough when we were together?
this seems so circular to me, so "caught up in the past"; but, i hope that down the road this is helping me somehow. of course a part of me wanted to shut out the hurt. i wanted to move forward and excel and be better - to show him that i didn't need him. i was better off without him. my mom likes to tell me that i don't need a man to complete me. and, i know it. but, that doesn't take away from my wanting to share my life with. i really am a simple person. maybe i was born in the wrong country, or the wrong era. i want to be a wife and a mother. i want to be independent and educated. i want to be creative and useful. i want to work hard and earn my life. i want to contribute to the world beyond myself. but, i so much want to be a part of a family.
if we're going to do the psychoanalysis, which i guess i'm already doing, perhaps that indicates that i don't feel like i am or have been part of a family. it's not true. i do feel connected to my family, especially my sister and my grandparents. i love them more than i can say. but, my male models have always felt somewhat absent. my father wasn't much of one. i don't know whether it is particularly because he didn't know how, or because he just didn't really want to be. when i was very young there was dispute between my parents about distribution of responsibilities, and my mother became a stay-at-home. my dad worked a lot of overtime. i remember not seeing him that much. but, as the years went on i remember my sisters and i not getting along with him. he didn't understand us, and didn't seem to try, so he could never really communicate or interact well. thinking back, there was a time when there was a lot of yelling. now, he's a corpse. he barely makes the effort to greet me when i come home. it makes me feel like he's almost indifferent to my presence. i suppose he's sad now, and depressed. but, i can't assume his excuses for why he's not making a better effort to be a part of my life.
my uncles were good to me, especially the ones on my mom's side. i really consider them to be the fathers in my life. unlike my own, they were the ones that likes giving us hugs, and told us out loud that they loved us. i may not have realised until just now how significant that has been in my life. unfortunately, with distance, it is difficult to spend time with them, especially now. but, even more than that, i accepted that they had their own family to be a part of, their own children to love. i'm sure that they would support me and love me if i let them know i needed it, but i feel like it is my responsibility to recognize the boundary. i want them to be good fathers to their own children.
the man i think i have loved the most, and perhaps may idolise until i die or meet the man who makes me feel just as good (whichever comes sooner), was my nonno. i can't even explain to you why. i really feel as though he and i really were more atuned. he disciplined me, he reprimanded me if i was bad, he was strict when he needed to be. but, he was also very affectionate. strangely, not in a physical way. i mean affectionate in the way he talked to me, and listened to me. he really paid attention. and when i did something well, or that he liked, there was such joy and obvious happiness in his face. i wanted his approval. i wanted his guidance. i just wanted him around. the man was no saint, either. i know the sound of his voice raised in anger. i know that he had a temper, and that sometimes he got a little violent. he was also, in his last few years, somewhat of an alcoholic. maybe because i was only just barely a teenage when he died that i don't understand the intricacies of the situation. but, for what we had i will always be grateful. clearly, he has remained the most beloved man in my life thus far. other than my cousins, he is the only male who's picture has ever been up in my room. he was very precious to me.
i wish sometimes that i could know that there really is someone who will compliment me in all of my ridiculous idiosyncrasies. i wish i could know that say, five years down the road i'll meet that man who will be the balance i want and need. we will challenge, and inspire, and support, and love one another. then i could be patient, and unconcerned about myself now. i could focus on others and the bigger picture because i know that my other half is coming. i have a feeling someone, somewhere out there, is reading this to themselves and shaking their head at me. "you've got it backwards", they say to themselves. you are right. if i focus on the big picture, and be selfless, i will consequently find what i am seeking in all of its forms. i know, but sometimes it is hard to be logical.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
sometimes, the more i know the less i want to know
do you ever find out about something, like the status of a community program, or that a nurse has been let go from a health clinic near you, or that your friend cannot get the counselling that she needs - despite her taking the semester off of school to finally face her issues head on - for the simple fact that she is no longer considered a student, and begin feeling like the world is turning to shit? maybe that's not exactly what i'm feeling. i haven't lost hope that it can be better, and i know that i can be an active part in the change i wish to see. but, i start thinking bigger and bigger and get overwhelmed.
i can't do everything. although, i desperately want to. i cannot.
tonight i went to a "townhall meeting" for student affairs at the university. i received emails from three different groups that i am affiliated with, encouraging me to go. so, when i showed up i expected that there would be a great number of people there. there were less than 20.
the meeting was a discussion about the massive deficit that the university is in right now, and the budget cuts and restructuring that will need to occur in order for pressure to be lightened on the university central spending. these changes involve ending programs, including the one that i am currently in. as soon as this coming fall it may no longer be possible to enroll in toxicology (environmental or biomedical) at the university of guelph. the infant care program was cut. a nursing position was cut from student health services. other positions, programs, and services will continue to be cut over the next few years until the university breaks even.
with such grave consequences for some programs, and for the impact this could have on student life, tuition, and quality of experience, i was shocked and outraged that there weren't more people present. as soon as i left i wanted to run through campus, screaming, "students, get your heads out of your asses and open your eyes to what is happening!" i was so let down that more people were not concerned enough about their own education to come and hear about what the higher-ups are planning to do about this deficit.
but instead, i came home and had a drink. so many thoughts were flying through my head. how can i get involved? how can i learn more? how can i make sure student programming doesn't suffer, especially that which has become dear to me - counselling services. i know too many people who have needed emotional support and guidance in the past three years to feel ok about letting a service like personal counselling go to the wayside. i just want to make it all better, make sure everyone gets what they need, and make sure that everyone who needs a voice gets one. but, all of this cannot be my responsibility. it is too much. i already know that i spread myself too thin with my commitments, and i don't want to make promises that i cannot keep. but someone must be there, to do this work. i just got very sad and angry tonight, because i realised that very few people are willing to do it.
i can't do everything. although, i desperately want to. i cannot.
tonight i went to a "townhall meeting" for student affairs at the university. i received emails from three different groups that i am affiliated with, encouraging me to go. so, when i showed up i expected that there would be a great number of people there. there were less than 20.
the meeting was a discussion about the massive deficit that the university is in right now, and the budget cuts and restructuring that will need to occur in order for pressure to be lightened on the university central spending. these changes involve ending programs, including the one that i am currently in. as soon as this coming fall it may no longer be possible to enroll in toxicology (environmental or biomedical) at the university of guelph. the infant care program was cut. a nursing position was cut from student health services. other positions, programs, and services will continue to be cut over the next few years until the university breaks even.
with such grave consequences for some programs, and for the impact this could have on student life, tuition, and quality of experience, i was shocked and outraged that there weren't more people present. as soon as i left i wanted to run through campus, screaming, "students, get your heads out of your asses and open your eyes to what is happening!" i was so let down that more people were not concerned enough about their own education to come and hear about what the higher-ups are planning to do about this deficit.
but instead, i came home and had a drink. so many thoughts were flying through my head. how can i get involved? how can i learn more? how can i make sure student programming doesn't suffer, especially that which has become dear to me - counselling services. i know too many people who have needed emotional support and guidance in the past three years to feel ok about letting a service like personal counselling go to the wayside. i just want to make it all better, make sure everyone gets what they need, and make sure that everyone who needs a voice gets one. but, all of this cannot be my responsibility. it is too much. i already know that i spread myself too thin with my commitments, and i don't want to make promises that i cannot keep. but someone must be there, to do this work. i just got very sad and angry tonight, because i realised that very few people are willing to do it.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
why has it taken so long?
why has is taken so long for americans, or even north americans in general, to face some of the truths of the present day? the economy is in ruin. the environment is suffering. people are still hungry, sick, and dying. we are at war with our neighbours. this is not a position anyone wants to be in, and in order to get out of it we need to take action.
people has asked me why i so fervently support barack obama and the democratic ticket for office of the president this year, and i can say nothing but that he makes me believe that people are still willing to learn from mistakes and try to make a change for the better.
for clarification: i do not think he has all the solutions to the energy crisis; i do not think that he will be willing to put the middle east at peace in a day; i do not think that he will care for all americans in the way that they desire. however, i am inspired by his openness, and his authenticity. i feel that he is prepared to take criticism, research, ask questions, and make mistakes in order for him to move forward. he has more progressive ideas about alternative energy plans, lowering greenhouse gas emissions, and redirecting market wealth back to the united states. he has said that every measure of diplomacy must be exercised before we engage in conflict with our neighbours, and that talking is important in conflict resolution. additionally, talking is important to avoid conflict in the first place. finally, he believes in justice and fairness, and the right of every individual to basic necessities, and even more, including opportunity to develop oneself.
if barack obama had been a white man, there would be no question who would be winning this election in november. i honestly believe that. but, if obama was white, i wouldn't like him any more than i already do. he could be an indo-chinese woman for all i care. he has the ideas and the attitude that i think international politics needs right now. it's not really as though they'd be doing anything special by electing him. there are already black leaders elsewhere in the world. there are women who run countries. there are even people of religious affiliations that are not christian... oh my word.
it is time to move forward. finally.
the upside of anger
while chatting with a man that i met on the internet this afternoon, i came upon quite a deep seated question: what makes people less giving of themselves in relationships? the question was sparked by the man with whom i was speaking. he said that he was just dumped by his girlfriend of two years, and he was never going to get as involved again because he got hurt this time. this kind of reaction begs the question, do people become poor partners (less emotionally available, less considerate, less faithful, etc.) because they experienced pain in past relationships?
i asked the man whether he felt that he had learned anything from his breakups. he told me that he had, and emphasized that it was more from the relationships than from the breakups. despite the fact that he is now really only interested in casual and no-strings-attached sex, he said that he learned that sex isn't the most important thing, but learning that being together takes work. suffice it to say i was rather touched by his honesty.
i hope that everyone, once they have gotten through the ice cream and kleenex, or whiskey and beer, or the sulking, or whatever they must do to grieve the ending of a relationship, come to the conclusion that they learned someone in it, or from it. i know that one of the many things i took away from my last relationship was the awareness and love of my own body. it may have started to spite him, for my own silent revenge, but, i began to understand what i wanted and needed to really feel satisfied, not only sexually, but emotionally.
so, at least for the small things that we can walk away with, let us be grateful for all relationships that don't last.
i asked the man whether he felt that he had learned anything from his breakups. he told me that he had, and emphasized that it was more from the relationships than from the breakups. despite the fact that he is now really only interested in casual and no-strings-attached sex, he said that he learned that sex isn't the most important thing, but learning that being together takes work. suffice it to say i was rather touched by his honesty.
i hope that everyone, once they have gotten through the ice cream and kleenex, or whiskey and beer, or the sulking, or whatever they must do to grieve the ending of a relationship, come to the conclusion that they learned someone in it, or from it. i know that one of the many things i took away from my last relationship was the awareness and love of my own body. it may have started to spite him, for my own silent revenge, but, i began to understand what i wanted and needed to really feel satisfied, not only sexually, but emotionally.
so, at least for the small things that we can walk away with, let us be grateful for all relationships that don't last.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
my fat ex
well, i guess he wasn't even really when i knew him. i had a dream about him last night. or, amend that: i had a dream in which he appeared last night.
when i awoke, i was somewhat pleased that in this dream, my ex was actually overweight. he had a huge beer belly, which aged him considerably, and i did not feel any attraction to him at all. i don't remember the whole context of the dream, what was said, or how it ended, but i am distinctly happy knowing that i now do not immediately associate him with attractiveness.
initially, i was worried that i would think about him when i masturbated. but, that has not happened for months. and, i'm relieved to see that he won't appear as some dashing prince charming in my dreams, that i will harbour unrequited love for.
moving on. how nice.
when i awoke, i was somewhat pleased that in this dream, my ex was actually overweight. he had a huge beer belly, which aged him considerably, and i did not feel any attraction to him at all. i don't remember the whole context of the dream, what was said, or how it ended, but i am distinctly happy knowing that i now do not immediately associate him with attractiveness.
initially, i was worried that i would think about him when i masturbated. but, that has not happened for months. and, i'm relieved to see that he won't appear as some dashing prince charming in my dreams, that i will harbour unrequited love for.
moving on. how nice.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
older men fever?
i don't know why, or what i've been doing, but i've been so attracted to older men lately. i mean older in the realm of late twenties - early thirties older... which for a twenty-one year old is relatively older. maybe it was brought more thoroughly to my attention when i met one of the throwing recruits last night. he seemed older, and as i found out is just beginning his PhD studies here at guelph. but, i'm pretty sure this has been somewhat of an ongoing theme in my life of late.
last night i had a dream that i got involved with a professor. it was a complicated situation because there was the chance that he could be lecturing one of my classes. obviously this possess an ethical problem for him. but, i was so attracted to this man, and we communicated so well. i don't really know how it ended; my alarm clock went off and i groggily got out of bed.
i wonder whether something has affected my default male attraction. i've heard that sometimes we tend to flock toward models that we felt were lacking in our own lives, such as strong father figures. is that why i like older men, because i want someone that has experience and wisdom and authority? perhaps. but, i'd prefer to think that it is because older men have a "lived" feeling to them, and there is less coyness and games. i want honesty and genuineness and communication, and of course love and affection.
but, god knows it is difficult to sit in class and pay attention when i think my prof is good looking.
last night i had a dream that i got involved with a professor. it was a complicated situation because there was the chance that he could be lecturing one of my classes. obviously this possess an ethical problem for him. but, i was so attracted to this man, and we communicated so well. i don't really know how it ended; my alarm clock went off and i groggily got out of bed.
i wonder whether something has affected my default male attraction. i've heard that sometimes we tend to flock toward models that we felt were lacking in our own lives, such as strong father figures. is that why i like older men, because i want someone that has experience and wisdom and authority? perhaps. but, i'd prefer to think that it is because older men have a "lived" feeling to them, and there is less coyness and games. i want honesty and genuineness and communication, and of course love and affection.
but, god knows it is difficult to sit in class and pay attention when i think my prof is good looking.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
self-recrimination
i find it to be quite an interesting experience to be around while people are at their various stages of intoxication. that word is so multifaceted, i don't think people really realise. toxic usually brings those dreaded skull and cross bones symbols on the sides of chemical containers to mind. toxic makes me think of serious health effects. for some people who drink, and drink too much, too fast, or maybe just too often, those things also come to mind when they reflect on the night they spent hunched over the toilet.
tonight, my roommates went out for the second night in a row this week. they went to a house party which was to be followed by a trip to the bars downtown. however, one of the three of them has to work tomorrow (or i guess later today, now), training another individual, from 7am to 2pm. at this very moment, she is lying in her clothes, in the fetal position, with her head dangling over the side of the bed so her vomit can fall into the bucket on the floor. i haven't really been witness to many people in their "recovery" stages after drinking, so i wanted to be sure that she was alright. after bringing her some water and handing her the bucket, she told me that i must think she's disgusting, and that i must hate her. she believes she doesn't deserve to be helped. i found it most intriguing that she, i guess only somewhat conscious that i was there beside her, would briefly make comments that sounded as if she was talking to herself: why do you do this to yourself? this isn't fun.
i don't feel particularly negative towards individuals that drink til they puke and go to excess when they know the consequences. more, i don't understand them. i never enjoyed vomitting, the few times i can specifically remember doing it. i definitely didn't enjoy the spins i had while i was trying to sleep that one night that i was really drunk. i could live without ever feeling the headache and nausea i endured on the bus ride back from montreal the next morning. that being said, i suppose it is human that people get carried away, or get lost in the moment, and lose track of how much they are drinking and how quickly.
i just hope that if my roommate is dealing with more deeply seated issues that were drowned with alcohol tonight, that she can find someone to talk to about them. and soon.
tonight, my roommates went out for the second night in a row this week. they went to a house party which was to be followed by a trip to the bars downtown. however, one of the three of them has to work tomorrow (or i guess later today, now), training another individual, from 7am to 2pm. at this very moment, she is lying in her clothes, in the fetal position, with her head dangling over the side of the bed so her vomit can fall into the bucket on the floor. i haven't really been witness to many people in their "recovery" stages after drinking, so i wanted to be sure that she was alright. after bringing her some water and handing her the bucket, she told me that i must think she's disgusting, and that i must hate her. she believes she doesn't deserve to be helped. i found it most intriguing that she, i guess only somewhat conscious that i was there beside her, would briefly make comments that sounded as if she was talking to herself: why do you do this to yourself? this isn't fun.
i don't feel particularly negative towards individuals that drink til they puke and go to excess when they know the consequences. more, i don't understand them. i never enjoyed vomitting, the few times i can specifically remember doing it. i definitely didn't enjoy the spins i had while i was trying to sleep that one night that i was really drunk. i could live without ever feeling the headache and nausea i endured on the bus ride back from montreal the next morning. that being said, i suppose it is human that people get carried away, or get lost in the moment, and lose track of how much they are drinking and how quickly.
i just hope that if my roommate is dealing with more deeply seated issues that were drowned with alcohol tonight, that she can find someone to talk to about them. and soon.
Monday, September 1, 2008
yes, real change in washington
i almost fell off of my chair when i saw the news bit announcing john mccain's selection for his vice presidential running mate. a woman! not just a woman, but a young, inexperienced woman!
i got the feeling, immediately, that this choice reflected the desperation mccain feels to appeal to the masses. we all know that there were people backing hillary rodham clinton - about 18 million, at least - but did he ever consider the reasons they might have supported her versus any other woman? she does have experience, connections, history, and an agenda. palin does not.
it goes to show how twisted politics can get. i don't honestly believe that john mccain chose palin because he thought that she'd be a good president if the need should arise - hell, she apparently doesn't know exactly what the vice president is supposed to do - but because she might give him an edge with former hillary supporters. mccain obviously would have chosen hillary herself if it hadn't been such a conflict of interest. he clearly doesn't see the irony in choosing palin. she is even more a manifestation of the qualities he criticised obama for: inexperienced and young.
in my mind, this move on the part of the republicans should surely give democrats an advantage. but, the american people are fickle. as much as there are some who might criticise voters for being swayed by celebrity endorsement of candidates, there will be some - i guarantee it - who will now be swayed to vote republican because there is a woman on the ticket. do these people even read biographies? do they even watch any of their debates? do they inform themselves at all prior to casting their ballot? it's questionnable. but the fate of the free world lies in their hands.
god save america
i got the feeling, immediately, that this choice reflected the desperation mccain feels to appeal to the masses. we all know that there were people backing hillary rodham clinton - about 18 million, at least - but did he ever consider the reasons they might have supported her versus any other woman? she does have experience, connections, history, and an agenda. palin does not.
it goes to show how twisted politics can get. i don't honestly believe that john mccain chose palin because he thought that she'd be a good president if the need should arise - hell, she apparently doesn't know exactly what the vice president is supposed to do - but because she might give him an edge with former hillary supporters. mccain obviously would have chosen hillary herself if it hadn't been such a conflict of interest. he clearly doesn't see the irony in choosing palin. she is even more a manifestation of the qualities he criticised obama for: inexperienced and young.
in my mind, this move on the part of the republicans should surely give democrats an advantage. but, the american people are fickle. as much as there are some who might criticise voters for being swayed by celebrity endorsement of candidates, there will be some - i guarantee it - who will now be swayed to vote republican because there is a woman on the ticket. do these people even read biographies? do they even watch any of their debates? do they inform themselves at all prior to casting their ballot? it's questionnable. but the fate of the free world lies in their hands.
god save america
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
thanks captain
i hope everyone has someone in their lives like my friend captain. i don't know why but he has this ability to make me feel so reassured about who i am without blowing my head up with compliments or other flattery. we talk so non-phony to one another, about anything and everything, and he really comes across as someone that just shares a wavelength with me.
i can't describe the awesomeness that was the feeling when he resounded his support of my studying mental health. it makes me even more excited about it than i was before. it's just so comforting to have friends in your life that are so completely behind you, or so brutally honest with you when they don't agree.
so, thank you to captain for stopping by today and having such an incredible visit.
i can't describe the awesomeness that was the feeling when he resounded his support of my studying mental health. it makes me even more excited about it than i was before. it's just so comforting to have friends in your life that are so completely behind you, or so brutally honest with you when they don't agree.
so, thank you to captain for stopping by today and having such an incredible visit.
Monday, August 11, 2008
whose illusions are you living?
barack obama, in his book, the audacity of hope, wrote something that struck quite a cord with me. it was this:
~
In this slow, fitful process of sorting out what I belived, I began silently registering the point in dorm room conversations when my college friends and I stopped thinking and slipped into cant: the point at which the denunciations of capitalism or American imperialism came too easily, and the freedom from the constraints of monogamy or religion was proclaimed without fully understanding the value of such constraints, and the role of victim was too readily embraced as a means of shedding responsibility, or asserting entitlement, or claiming moral superiority over those not so victimized.
~
i wonder whether this is a natural phenomenon for every college aged person, to go through this process of questioning beliefs until the point at which he or she falls into some kind of idealistic martyrdom. i know that i myself am guilty of embracing the role of victim. i've seen others do the same. particularly striking to me was the point about proclaiming a freedom from constraints "without fully understanding the value of such constraints" because i've witnessed that, too.
i think it's so foolish of us to believe that generations before us have not also questioned those same authorities that we question, and broken those same rules that we wish to break. i, being a creature of habit and routine, i like order and i like rules. i don't find that constraints hold me back, but rather illuminate the line past which i might hurt another person. therefore, i can be and do so many things that are completely fulfilling, and i don't risk damaging any of my relationships, with people or with god.
i admit, there are times when i do question the current doctrine, such as laws against gay marriage. but, there are certain simple truths that i don't think can be argued.
~
In this slow, fitful process of sorting out what I belived, I began silently registering the point in dorm room conversations when my college friends and I stopped thinking and slipped into cant: the point at which the denunciations of capitalism or American imperialism came too easily, and the freedom from the constraints of monogamy or religion was proclaimed without fully understanding the value of such constraints, and the role of victim was too readily embraced as a means of shedding responsibility, or asserting entitlement, or claiming moral superiority over those not so victimized.
~
i wonder whether this is a natural phenomenon for every college aged person, to go through this process of questioning beliefs until the point at which he or she falls into some kind of idealistic martyrdom. i know that i myself am guilty of embracing the role of victim. i've seen others do the same. particularly striking to me was the point about proclaiming a freedom from constraints "without fully understanding the value of such constraints" because i've witnessed that, too.
i think it's so foolish of us to believe that generations before us have not also questioned those same authorities that we question, and broken those same rules that we wish to break. i, being a creature of habit and routine, i like order and i like rules. i don't find that constraints hold me back, but rather illuminate the line past which i might hurt another person. therefore, i can be and do so many things that are completely fulfilling, and i don't risk damaging any of my relationships, with people or with god.
i admit, there are times when i do question the current doctrine, such as laws against gay marriage. but, there are certain simple truths that i don't think can be argued.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
hard lesson learned
have you ever wished you could close your eyes and then open them again to find the world magically changed? perhaps you wish that someone that has died is alive again, or someone that was sick is now well. perhaps, like me, you wish you just felt differently.
it really feels so ridiculous. i got what i thought i wanted and now i wish i hadn't done anything. i thought i wanted peace. i thought i wanted closure. but i didn't want to actually know that he was happy without me. it's not that i don't want him to be happy, but i am overcome with childish questions: why wasn't he happy like that with me? why couldn't i help him find his way? was i not enough? would it have been different if i had sacrificed more, moved? why wasn't i what he needed?
i can't get over how pathetic this all is. how sad that a girl be blubbering over her ex-boyfriend's current state of wholeness. i should be proud of him, and i am. i should be relieved for his parents -who worried about him - and i am. i should be grateful that he is in a better position to renew friendships and familial relationships that might have been hindered before, and i am. but, i can't help but be self-pitying. again, i say, pathetic.
does everyone glorify their first love this way? does everyone have to endure that tireless wondering of what could have been done differently to make that relationship work forever? i'd really like to know. maybe there would be some comfort in that. maybe i could heal a little faster knowing that everyone goes through this. i'd really love someone to sweep into my life and make all the emptiness go away. the emptiness that i thought only he could fill. what i sucker i am.
yeah, what a doozy. a clusterfuck, for sure.
it really feels so ridiculous. i got what i thought i wanted and now i wish i hadn't done anything. i thought i wanted peace. i thought i wanted closure. but i didn't want to actually know that he was happy without me. it's not that i don't want him to be happy, but i am overcome with childish questions: why wasn't he happy like that with me? why couldn't i help him find his way? was i not enough? would it have been different if i had sacrificed more, moved? why wasn't i what he needed?
i can't get over how pathetic this all is. how sad that a girl be blubbering over her ex-boyfriend's current state of wholeness. i should be proud of him, and i am. i should be relieved for his parents -who worried about him - and i am. i should be grateful that he is in a better position to renew friendships and familial relationships that might have been hindered before, and i am. but, i can't help but be self-pitying. again, i say, pathetic.
does everyone glorify their first love this way? does everyone have to endure that tireless wondering of what could have been done differently to make that relationship work forever? i'd really like to know. maybe there would be some comfort in that. maybe i could heal a little faster knowing that everyone goes through this. i'd really love someone to sweep into my life and make all the emptiness go away. the emptiness that i thought only he could fill. what i sucker i am.
yeah, what a doozy. a clusterfuck, for sure.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
the people you meet on the train
i've never been that good at picking up conversation with strangers, especially on public transport. an old friend of mine had an amazing talent for it. i think he told me about conversations with strangers after almost every single trip he took. but, i like to associate that ability with his gift for reading people. i always thought that it would make him an incredibly counsellor or psychologist. anyways, rare occasions when i have gotten into discussions with strangers, it is usually not me that starts them. that was the case today.
it started with him reading my list of "things to do" over my shoulder.
usually this irritates me. i am especially uncomfortable when strangers see what i am writing. not that my life is some top secret adventure or anything, but i like to think that my thoughts, and my writings, can stay private unless i choose to share them. i think what spurred this particular gentleman to read what i was writing was his sheer boredom. as i would find out, he had boarded the train in sarnia (obviously at some ungodly hour, considering i got on in london at 8:14am). the point he commented on was: research - med school applications.
now, as you might know if you've read my previous two posts, i've decided to defer my application for a year or two. this particular "research" involves finding out what kind of references i will need, which i should consider trying to get this year. i figure i should look into this now, because once school starts this will be one of the furthest things from my mind. at any rate, he opened with, "so you're applying to medical school?"
i'm pretty sure he picked up on the med school line of the many written down, because he himself is a doctor. an american doctor. it was really interesting to get into a discussion about what he studied, how his path went from pediatrics to clinical geneticist, how his wife is also a doctor (oncologist), and what he thought was important to get into school and know before you start down that road. we talked about how he enjoyed coming to canada, especially the east coast, and montreal and quebec city. we even transitioned into a discussion of american politics, and his own eye-witness accounts of how far to the wayside some american cities have fallen.
he said he is not a bush fan, and believes that barack obama should win the election. he ended up explaining some of the finer details of the democratic electoral process in the u.s. and cleared up some questions i had. he thought that john kerry should have chosen former general wesley clark as his vp running mate, although he doesn't see how that could be of any particular advantage for obama now. he thinks gore would make an excellent secretary of state, and that the former govenor of indiana (or the man whose father was a govenor of indiana) might be a good choice for running mate for obama. he told me that he thinks we've got a good chance of seeing a black president next year because obama is already leading by 4 or 5 points in voting surveys, even without taking into consideration that most of the voting pool is taken from previously active voter lists. according to the mystery doctor on train 84, the black vote, the young vote, and the general vote will be mobilized in this election as never before in history.
he asked me whether many people i know are as informed as i am about politics. i could only think of one - even more informed than myself, although his time is more largely devoted to canadian politics and government. but, i can't deny how incredibly impressed i was that this man, this american doctor, father of one, travelling from lansing, michigan, to montreal for a week-long genetics conference, was so friendly and well-informed.
it was quite a pleasant trip this morning, made shorter - it seemed - by a happenstance conversation with a stranger.
it started with him reading my list of "things to do" over my shoulder.
usually this irritates me. i am especially uncomfortable when strangers see what i am writing. not that my life is some top secret adventure or anything, but i like to think that my thoughts, and my writings, can stay private unless i choose to share them. i think what spurred this particular gentleman to read what i was writing was his sheer boredom. as i would find out, he had boarded the train in sarnia (obviously at some ungodly hour, considering i got on in london at 8:14am). the point he commented on was: research - med school applications.
now, as you might know if you've read my previous two posts, i've decided to defer my application for a year or two. this particular "research" involves finding out what kind of references i will need, which i should consider trying to get this year. i figure i should look into this now, because once school starts this will be one of the furthest things from my mind. at any rate, he opened with, "so you're applying to medical school?"
i'm pretty sure he picked up on the med school line of the many written down, because he himself is a doctor. an american doctor. it was really interesting to get into a discussion about what he studied, how his path went from pediatrics to clinical geneticist, how his wife is also a doctor (oncologist), and what he thought was important to get into school and know before you start down that road. we talked about how he enjoyed coming to canada, especially the east coast, and montreal and quebec city. we even transitioned into a discussion of american politics, and his own eye-witness accounts of how far to the wayside some american cities have fallen.
he said he is not a bush fan, and believes that barack obama should win the election. he ended up explaining some of the finer details of the democratic electoral process in the u.s. and cleared up some questions i had. he thought that john kerry should have chosen former general wesley clark as his vp running mate, although he doesn't see how that could be of any particular advantage for obama now. he thinks gore would make an excellent secretary of state, and that the former govenor of indiana (or the man whose father was a govenor of indiana) might be a good choice for running mate for obama. he told me that he thinks we've got a good chance of seeing a black president next year because obama is already leading by 4 or 5 points in voting surveys, even without taking into consideration that most of the voting pool is taken from previously active voter lists. according to the mystery doctor on train 84, the black vote, the young vote, and the general vote will be mobilized in this election as never before in history.
he asked me whether many people i know are as informed as i am about politics. i could only think of one - even more informed than myself, although his time is more largely devoted to canadian politics and government. but, i can't deny how incredibly impressed i was that this man, this american doctor, father of one, travelling from lansing, michigan, to montreal for a week-long genetics conference, was so friendly and well-informed.
it was quite a pleasant trip this morning, made shorter - it seemed - by a happenstance conversation with a stranger.
Monday, August 4, 2008
maybe we all need help?
tonight, for the first time in what seems like a long time i had to cry. the kind of cry that makes you feel like a child again, and you're facing the monsters under your bed or the demons of the darkness. i sat on the bathroom floor, in the basement, knees hugged close into my chest, and just let it rake through me. i have avoided crying lately. i tend to think it is because i see it as a girly thing to do when you get upset or sad. when i've been emotional i usually become reclusive, or silent, or just indifferent, until the moment or issue subsides. but, it's been building for a while. this cry was a wash of so many emotions.
it started with my mom. i've been at home for the past couple of days, but home referring more to the house than to the feeling i get when i'm here. i haven't actually spent that much time with my mother this weekend. we met in stratford to see romeo and juliet at the festival theatre. after having dinner together at a roadside diner, we drove home. saturday, sunday, and today were spent mostly at the church, helping to prepare for and run an annual festival that we celebrate in honour of our lady of freedom. but, tonight my sister and i and my mom went to my nonna's for dinner and the drive home changed from overcast to stormy.
my mom doesn't like giving my sister too many privileges with the vehicle. i can't completely blame her, because my sister usually ends up spending more time with it than she originally asks my mom for, and rarely if ever buys gas. my sister asked my mom to borrow it for tomorrow night just as we were getting ready to leave my nonna's house - that was the cloud above our heads.
one thing that really irritates my mom is back seat driving. i admit that i hate it, too; but, i don't usually comment on anything but her speed. she tends to have a heavy foot, and regularly speeds - nothing too excessive, but speeding nonetheless. so tonight, when i asked her to slow down, her response was to speed up so that she was travelling 70 kph in a 50 zone. at a major intersection that followed, we had to turn left. as it came to our turn, a woman on rollerblades approached the road. my mom turned almost into her and had to make the turn wide into the far lane of the two lane street, in order to avoid contact. both my sister and i were surprised at her actions and vocalised the fact that we thought she shouldn't have turned, and would have found the driver to be lacking had she been in the woman's position. this enraged my mother because she proceeded to swerve the vehicle to the side of the road, inform us that she was walking the rest of the way home, and walk out across three lanes to the other sidewalk. i drove us the rest of the way, which was only about a minute and a half.
upon her arrival at home i confronted her about the driving. i told her that i felt it was better that she got out of the car because she wasn't in a suitable position to drive. i don't like pushing peoples' buttons, and i didn't comment on her driving to do that. we yelled a bit and she went to bed because she has to get up at 5am to work tomorrow. that is when i went to the basement and cried.
but, the tears turned into a cleansing for so many other things on my mind. the first was confronting how studying mental health is important to me so that i can deal more effectively with my own communication and coping skills.
after learning about my friend's silent struggle with her addiction, i had to face the reality that i use a substance to deal with emotion in my life. my substance in food. in a distorted way i figure that it is the healthiest substance to use. my body needs food anyways. it hasn't hurt me so far. i mean, i'm not anorexic - i like eating too much to stop doing it. i'm not bulemic - i hate throwing up. i binge. i manage my weight so that my food binges haven't caused extreme obesity, but i can't deny that i still struggle with my own body image.
i eat for some feeling of satiety. but it doesn't come. i can fill myself with whatever i have to snack on at the time, but i don't feel any less empty. i know it's not about being hungry, because when i can, i eat at night when no one is around. i don't like people watching, or even knowing that i am eating, because i don't want them to think i am a pig. ridiculous. it makes me sad thinking about it. although i don't binge often, and sometimes the "binge" isn't as excessive as you might imagine (it might only be having two full servings of dinner instead of the one that i needed, or eating a whole bunch of cheese and fruit and crackers while i'm watching mindless tv), i know it's not a good relationship to have with food. i'd like to think that the fact that i recognize that it's not good is half the battle. at least i'm not in denial.
speaking of denial, that was the third thing i cried about tonight. i've been avoiding dealing with the pain i'm still feeling from my break-up with my boyfriend. i think the reason it's difficult for me to face is because i think i should be over it by now, and that i should be moving on with other things in my life. he has, apparently. but, i still miss him and i still love him, and i am having trouble dealing with those two facts. as much as it was easier not to talk to him initially, because it prevented me from getting worked up over things he might say, i am struggling now with the desire to start talking to him again. i fear the outcome of doing so. he might have held on to some kind of anger towards me for cutting our ties so abruptly. if i tried to contact him he might ignore me altogether, or vehemently oppose having anything to do with me because i deserted him. he could still be hurt by what i did, and not forgive me, and thus also refuse to let me be a part of his life.
thoughts of him have been tormenting. i hear that first loves are the most difficult to let go of. i think it's because we tend to glorify them, and put them on a pedestal. people, places, and objects have been reminding me of thoughtful things he did or said to me. even sitting on the floor crying made me recall times when i needed his comfort and i just threw myself into his arms and let everything else get blocked out. i really miss having someone to get lost in, who can get lost in me. it's lonely without him. he was my best friend for that time. the person who knew what was going on in every aspect of my life. the weight of so much bearing down on me tonight made me wish that he was still someone i could call to talk to about it all.
but, instead i just sat, alone on the bathroom floor, and just let it out behind closed doors. and after, i wrote this. the act of writing it out is therapeutic in itself. but, the computer screen can't smile at me, or give me a reassuring hug. yet still, despite my loneliness, and my admitted need for consolation, i refuse to tell the people around me too much. i don't want to put my problems on them, but more i want to figure out how to help myself.
i am not an island, though sometimes i am sure i think i am.
it started with my mom. i've been at home for the past couple of days, but home referring more to the house than to the feeling i get when i'm here. i haven't actually spent that much time with my mother this weekend. we met in stratford to see romeo and juliet at the festival theatre. after having dinner together at a roadside diner, we drove home. saturday, sunday, and today were spent mostly at the church, helping to prepare for and run an annual festival that we celebrate in honour of our lady of freedom. but, tonight my sister and i and my mom went to my nonna's for dinner and the drive home changed from overcast to stormy.
my mom doesn't like giving my sister too many privileges with the vehicle. i can't completely blame her, because my sister usually ends up spending more time with it than she originally asks my mom for, and rarely if ever buys gas. my sister asked my mom to borrow it for tomorrow night just as we were getting ready to leave my nonna's house - that was the cloud above our heads.
one thing that really irritates my mom is back seat driving. i admit that i hate it, too; but, i don't usually comment on anything but her speed. she tends to have a heavy foot, and regularly speeds - nothing too excessive, but speeding nonetheless. so tonight, when i asked her to slow down, her response was to speed up so that she was travelling 70 kph in a 50 zone. at a major intersection that followed, we had to turn left. as it came to our turn, a woman on rollerblades approached the road. my mom turned almost into her and had to make the turn wide into the far lane of the two lane street, in order to avoid contact. both my sister and i were surprised at her actions and vocalised the fact that we thought she shouldn't have turned, and would have found the driver to be lacking had she been in the woman's position. this enraged my mother because she proceeded to swerve the vehicle to the side of the road, inform us that she was walking the rest of the way home, and walk out across three lanes to the other sidewalk. i drove us the rest of the way, which was only about a minute and a half.
upon her arrival at home i confronted her about the driving. i told her that i felt it was better that she got out of the car because she wasn't in a suitable position to drive. i don't like pushing peoples' buttons, and i didn't comment on her driving to do that. we yelled a bit and she went to bed because she has to get up at 5am to work tomorrow. that is when i went to the basement and cried.
but, the tears turned into a cleansing for so many other things on my mind. the first was confronting how studying mental health is important to me so that i can deal more effectively with my own communication and coping skills.
after learning about my friend's silent struggle with her addiction, i had to face the reality that i use a substance to deal with emotion in my life. my substance in food. in a distorted way i figure that it is the healthiest substance to use. my body needs food anyways. it hasn't hurt me so far. i mean, i'm not anorexic - i like eating too much to stop doing it. i'm not bulemic - i hate throwing up. i binge. i manage my weight so that my food binges haven't caused extreme obesity, but i can't deny that i still struggle with my own body image.
i eat for some feeling of satiety. but it doesn't come. i can fill myself with whatever i have to snack on at the time, but i don't feel any less empty. i know it's not about being hungry, because when i can, i eat at night when no one is around. i don't like people watching, or even knowing that i am eating, because i don't want them to think i am a pig. ridiculous. it makes me sad thinking about it. although i don't binge often, and sometimes the "binge" isn't as excessive as you might imagine (it might only be having two full servings of dinner instead of the one that i needed, or eating a whole bunch of cheese and fruit and crackers while i'm watching mindless tv), i know it's not a good relationship to have with food. i'd like to think that the fact that i recognize that it's not good is half the battle. at least i'm not in denial.
speaking of denial, that was the third thing i cried about tonight. i've been avoiding dealing with the pain i'm still feeling from my break-up with my boyfriend. i think the reason it's difficult for me to face is because i think i should be over it by now, and that i should be moving on with other things in my life. he has, apparently. but, i still miss him and i still love him, and i am having trouble dealing with those two facts. as much as it was easier not to talk to him initially, because it prevented me from getting worked up over things he might say, i am struggling now with the desire to start talking to him again. i fear the outcome of doing so. he might have held on to some kind of anger towards me for cutting our ties so abruptly. if i tried to contact him he might ignore me altogether, or vehemently oppose having anything to do with me because i deserted him. he could still be hurt by what i did, and not forgive me, and thus also refuse to let me be a part of his life.
thoughts of him have been tormenting. i hear that first loves are the most difficult to let go of. i think it's because we tend to glorify them, and put them on a pedestal. people, places, and objects have been reminding me of thoughtful things he did or said to me. even sitting on the floor crying made me recall times when i needed his comfort and i just threw myself into his arms and let everything else get blocked out. i really miss having someone to get lost in, who can get lost in me. it's lonely without him. he was my best friend for that time. the person who knew what was going on in every aspect of my life. the weight of so much bearing down on me tonight made me wish that he was still someone i could call to talk to about it all.
but, instead i just sat, alone on the bathroom floor, and just let it out behind closed doors. and after, i wrote this. the act of writing it out is therapeutic in itself. but, the computer screen can't smile at me, or give me a reassuring hug. yet still, despite my loneliness, and my admitted need for consolation, i refuse to tell the people around me too much. i don't want to put my problems on them, but more i want to figure out how to help myself.
i am not an island, though sometimes i am sure i think i am.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
i did it my way
not that i usually enjoy quoting cheesy crooner's song lyrics, i couldn't help but do so this time being that the statement was so fitting. however, it is the wrong tense. i will do it my way is more appropriate. this refers to my path to becoming a doctor.
in the past few weeks i have had so many, almost tormenting, thoughts about what to do in the next couple of months and next couple of years. in truth, my confidence in my decisions has waned, and i've wavered in my choices on several occasions. mostly, i second guess myself when i hear about what other people are doing, or have done.
for example, my neighbour is moving to ottawa, to go to the medical school there. she applied, interviewed at, and was accepted into the programs at BOTH the university of ottawa and macmaster. she didn't even bother writing her mcats. my mom, once she found out, immediately started asking me whether i was going to apply to those two schools this year. i haven't decided yet, i replied.
but, i know deep in my heart that going to macmaster or ottawa is not really what i want. right now i want a change, hopefully involving some travel, and personal exploration. more and more a particular option is appealing to me, and as i flirt with the possibilities, i am finding myself becoming increasingly agreeable to one particular prospect.
i want to study mental health. having been volunteering with one of the campus organization this year, i have been exposed to the power of listening. our director opened our core training session with an unsourced quote: you can listen a person's soul into existence. in so many ways i have seen the evidence of this phenomenon. upon deeper reflection, i acknowledge how much this experience has made a difference in my own life. i feel as though i have been able to open up more to others and unburden my mind from time to time of the frivolous worries and anxieties that plague my daily life.
i've been looking into the diploma programs around canada. many of the programs are found at colleges either in smaller towns in more northern ontario, or toward both coasts. i'm feeling the tug towards small town life again. i had it once, when i decided to go to guelph, but even guelph has become too big for me. it's the silliest little dream actually - the world i imagine sometimes. there's the farmhouse with a huge porch and a swing seat, a huge tree at the front with a swing, and wheat fields that go as far as you can see. i like the idea of the family owned corner store, the one bank, the one high school, and the annual county fair. but, there is time - i can't let that desire rule my decisions about where my education will take me. i'm trying to leave myself open to new experiences and possibility. all i know right now is that this feels "right" at this moment, so that is what i am going to do.
in the past few weeks i have had so many, almost tormenting, thoughts about what to do in the next couple of months and next couple of years. in truth, my confidence in my decisions has waned, and i've wavered in my choices on several occasions. mostly, i second guess myself when i hear about what other people are doing, or have done.
for example, my neighbour is moving to ottawa, to go to the medical school there. she applied, interviewed at, and was accepted into the programs at BOTH the university of ottawa and macmaster. she didn't even bother writing her mcats. my mom, once she found out, immediately started asking me whether i was going to apply to those two schools this year. i haven't decided yet, i replied.
but, i know deep in my heart that going to macmaster or ottawa is not really what i want. right now i want a change, hopefully involving some travel, and personal exploration. more and more a particular option is appealing to me, and as i flirt with the possibilities, i am finding myself becoming increasingly agreeable to one particular prospect.
i want to study mental health. having been volunteering with one of the campus organization this year, i have been exposed to the power of listening. our director opened our core training session with an unsourced quote: you can listen a person's soul into existence. in so many ways i have seen the evidence of this phenomenon. upon deeper reflection, i acknowledge how much this experience has made a difference in my own life. i feel as though i have been able to open up more to others and unburden my mind from time to time of the frivolous worries and anxieties that plague my daily life.
i've been looking into the diploma programs around canada. many of the programs are found at colleges either in smaller towns in more northern ontario, or toward both coasts. i'm feeling the tug towards small town life again. i had it once, when i decided to go to guelph, but even guelph has become too big for me. it's the silliest little dream actually - the world i imagine sometimes. there's the farmhouse with a huge porch and a swing seat, a huge tree at the front with a swing, and wheat fields that go as far as you can see. i like the idea of the family owned corner store, the one bank, the one high school, and the annual county fair. but, there is time - i can't let that desire rule my decisions about where my education will take me. i'm trying to leave myself open to new experiences and possibility. all i know right now is that this feels "right" at this moment, so that is what i am going to do.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
ah wow
it's amazing to me how people in our lives can be so dear to us, and yet strangers at the same time. well, maybe strangers is too strong for this particular situation. but, the sentiment is the same.
i found out last night that one of my best friends was struggling with an addiction. as much as i thought that i knew her, and as much as we confided in one another, she battled it right before my eyes and i had no idea. i'm relieved to know that she got help elsewhere, that she saught support from a campus discussion group. but, at the same time it pains me to know that something could have happened to her and i would have had no clue as to why.
as much as i feel pained by the knowledge that so many of my friends are dealing with really negative things in their lives right now, it is not a burden for me that i should be one of the people that they trust enough to confide in. the burden of guilt would be so much greater, if something were to happen and i felt that i could have done more to help them. of course, i cannot take responsibility for their actions, especially if they choose to hurt themselves. but, i don't want to be the person that holds back a word, or gesture, or something that another person needs. i hope to one day be able to give unabashedly and uninhibitedly to everyone in my life.
i found out last night that one of my best friends was struggling with an addiction. as much as i thought that i knew her, and as much as we confided in one another, she battled it right before my eyes and i had no idea. i'm relieved to know that she got help elsewhere, that she saught support from a campus discussion group. but, at the same time it pains me to know that something could have happened to her and i would have had no clue as to why.
as much as i feel pained by the knowledge that so many of my friends are dealing with really negative things in their lives right now, it is not a burden for me that i should be one of the people that they trust enough to confide in. the burden of guilt would be so much greater, if something were to happen and i felt that i could have done more to help them. of course, i cannot take responsibility for their actions, especially if they choose to hurt themselves. but, i don't want to be the person that holds back a word, or gesture, or something that another person needs. i hope to one day be able to give unabashedly and uninhibitedly to everyone in my life.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
listlessness
there is a listlessness about me right now that i cannot seem to shake. i haven't been able to concentrate well on anything these past few weeks. even when i make plans to do things i have trouble following through. instead i spend countless hours letting the multicoloured waves of television dreamland wash over me, or searching the internet for other peoples' stories.
where did my fire go to? where did my thirst disappear to? where is my spark? i'm sure it is burried underneath the layers of boredom and disappointment, somewhere. this summer has been a pool of confusion for me. i've been hot and cold. i've been lost and found. but, right now i'm just looking for the middle way.
during the year i really do try to find the balance between work and play. now, my idea of play is a little more mellow than other people i know. but, i make the effort nonetheless. every other summer i have had the monday to friday job and social engagements on evenings and weekends. right now, my dream summer of no work and all play has led to an unexpected unhappiness. i am lonely. i am sad. things like this are no fun unless you have someone to share it with. and i don't. all of my roommates are working, as are my sisters, and my best friends.
i don't quite understand why i am having such trouble with being alone. i mean, i grew up having very few close friends or friends at all. when class is in session i spend much of my time alone, in class, studying, and relaxing even. i would have expected that i would have found more peace this summer. i thought i would have read more books, written more poetry, and gone for more walks. there are many things that i typically enjoy doing alone that i have not wanted to do alone. but maybe i'm not meant to understand it right now. maybe it's a phase i cannot assess. you got me.
where did my fire go to? where did my thirst disappear to? where is my spark? i'm sure it is burried underneath the layers of boredom and disappointment, somewhere. this summer has been a pool of confusion for me. i've been hot and cold. i've been lost and found. but, right now i'm just looking for the middle way.
during the year i really do try to find the balance between work and play. now, my idea of play is a little more mellow than other people i know. but, i make the effort nonetheless. every other summer i have had the monday to friday job and social engagements on evenings and weekends. right now, my dream summer of no work and all play has led to an unexpected unhappiness. i am lonely. i am sad. things like this are no fun unless you have someone to share it with. and i don't. all of my roommates are working, as are my sisters, and my best friends.
i don't quite understand why i am having such trouble with being alone. i mean, i grew up having very few close friends or friends at all. when class is in session i spend much of my time alone, in class, studying, and relaxing even. i would have expected that i would have found more peace this summer. i thought i would have read more books, written more poetry, and gone for more walks. there are many things that i typically enjoy doing alone that i have not wanted to do alone. but maybe i'm not meant to understand it right now. maybe it's a phase i cannot assess. you got me.
Monday, July 28, 2008
why so sad?
why are there so many people hurting in my life? many of my friends are dealing with shockingly painful pasts or presents. i don't envy any of them, but i would take it upon myself to lighten their load for a time if i thought that i could.
one friend is estranged from her father, and hasn't been spokento by her brother in 7 years. her mother is a serial dater who has believed 5 different men have been "the one" on separate occasions over the last six months. she just found out recently that her endometriosis may progress soon to the point where she is no longer capable of bearing her own children. her good friend has relapsed to use of crack cocaine. and on top of it all, the hard work she has put in this summer to make money to pay for school may have obliterated her chances of getting the osap she desperately needs to get by.
another friend is currently struggling between two coping behaviours: alcoholism and bulemia. she uses one to avoid doing the other. she continues to deal with the death of her grandmother, a woman she loved like a mother. she is facing new decisions about her education and the choice to enter into inpatient treatment for herself in the fall.
another friend has just recently recovered from mono. in addition to the overwhelming fatigue, she also suffered an injury that kept her from doing the training she needed to balance her life. she was recently involved in a break up, and is now working towards conquering her fear of being alone. her family life is artificial and she doesn't feel love form her mother. she feels lost and heartbroken, and wavers between tears and indifference.
another friend is wallowing in excess. he is concerned about his drinking and marijuana use to escape from his life. he feels burdened by the fact that his only brother is a globetrotter that ignores his family. he has recently learned that he has adhd that scores off the charts, and has been recommended to a psychologist for assessment. it makes him think he's broken or ill, and makes him doubt himself even more than he was before. he has a very cynical view of western education and democracy. he's confused about his destiny in this life, and what he might be here to do. and, he's trying to figure out why he's letting himself get hung up on a girl that hurt him.
there are many other people in my life, beyond these ones, who are also waging their own wars. some of the issues are small, and some are large. whatever they are, there are many people in my life with a cloud over their head. it seems like it has all come to head at once. as if the saying, "when it rains, it pours," really does apply to these things. i just hope that this is also the storm before the calm. i don't like seeing those i care about it pain.
one friend is estranged from her father, and hasn't been spokento by her brother in 7 years. her mother is a serial dater who has believed 5 different men have been "the one" on separate occasions over the last six months. she just found out recently that her endometriosis may progress soon to the point where she is no longer capable of bearing her own children. her good friend has relapsed to use of crack cocaine. and on top of it all, the hard work she has put in this summer to make money to pay for school may have obliterated her chances of getting the osap she desperately needs to get by.
another friend is currently struggling between two coping behaviours: alcoholism and bulemia. she uses one to avoid doing the other. she continues to deal with the death of her grandmother, a woman she loved like a mother. she is facing new decisions about her education and the choice to enter into inpatient treatment for herself in the fall.
another friend has just recently recovered from mono. in addition to the overwhelming fatigue, she also suffered an injury that kept her from doing the training she needed to balance her life. she was recently involved in a break up, and is now working towards conquering her fear of being alone. her family life is artificial and she doesn't feel love form her mother. she feels lost and heartbroken, and wavers between tears and indifference.
another friend is wallowing in excess. he is concerned about his drinking and marijuana use to escape from his life. he feels burdened by the fact that his only brother is a globetrotter that ignores his family. he has recently learned that he has adhd that scores off the charts, and has been recommended to a psychologist for assessment. it makes him think he's broken or ill, and makes him doubt himself even more than he was before. he has a very cynical view of western education and democracy. he's confused about his destiny in this life, and what he might be here to do. and, he's trying to figure out why he's letting himself get hung up on a girl that hurt him.
there are many other people in my life, beyond these ones, who are also waging their own wars. some of the issues are small, and some are large. whatever they are, there are many people in my life with a cloud over their head. it seems like it has all come to head at once. as if the saying, "when it rains, it pours," really does apply to these things. i just hope that this is also the storm before the calm. i don't like seeing those i care about it pain.
wings for marie by tool
oversoul by alex grey
you...
you believed...
you believed in movements none could see
you believed in me
a passionate spirit
uncompromised
boundless and open
a light in your eyes
then immobilized
broken
fell at the hands of those movements that i wouldn't see
yet it was you who prayed for me
so what have i done
to be a son to an angel?
what have i done
to be worthy?
daylight dims leaving cold fluorescence
difficult to see you in this light
please forgive this selfish question, but
what am i to say to all those ghouls tonight?
"she never told a lie
... well, might have told a lie,
but never lived one
didn't have a life
didn't have a life
but surely saved one"
see? now i'm alright
now it's time for us to let you go
Thursday, July 24, 2008
just to hear those words
every once in a while i have dreams of resolutions. mostly to do with him, but sometimes with other people in my life. the dream sets up by taking me back to where the other person and i left off: the last time we spoke. in the dream, the conflict that exists in real life is brought to a head. in many instances, all i really want to hear are things like, "i'm sorry" or "i missed you" or "i forgive you".
at one point in my life it seemed that the longer i dreamed about these fantasy resolutions, the more frequently they actually happened. but, there continues to be one person that finds his way back into my dreams without any resolution at all.
if you're reading, i am sorry for leaving you the way that i did. i miss you.
at one point in my life it seemed that the longer i dreamed about these fantasy resolutions, the more frequently they actually happened. but, there continues to be one person that finds his way back into my dreams without any resolution at all.
if you're reading, i am sorry for leaving you the way that i did. i miss you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
need a spoon?
i have never underestimated the true value of physial contact. i was raised in a family that shared affection through hugs and kisses. in my relationship i liked showing my love through physical intimacy. this past little while, while i've been hanging out primarily in guelph with my female friends, i have been sorely missing that contact.
this past weekend one of my roommates broke up with her boyfriend. he initiated the end of their relationship, but it had been something that she had talked to me about for a little while. nevertheless, she was very upset. some of the things that she said reminded me so much of feelings that i had experienced that it brought me to tears. she brought to light a sentiment that i shared, that we felt "home" when we had been with our significant others.
after talking to her and helping her get through the first really rough patch, i found myself needing to be held. there are very few things that are as comforting as being spooned. it might sound silly, but it remains a closeness that i yearn for.
i can almost understand how loneliness can lead to one night stands or sex buddies. i miss the sensation of sleeping next to someone. i miss the feeling of waking up in someone's arms. i miss sex. but, i miss all the feelings that made sex that much better, too. i suppose i hope that people that have someone to go home to at night don't take it for granted. and, i hope that i'll be able to find it again soon.
this past weekend one of my roommates broke up with her boyfriend. he initiated the end of their relationship, but it had been something that she had talked to me about for a little while. nevertheless, she was very upset. some of the things that she said reminded me so much of feelings that i had experienced that it brought me to tears. she brought to light a sentiment that i shared, that we felt "home" when we had been with our significant others.
after talking to her and helping her get through the first really rough patch, i found myself needing to be held. there are very few things that are as comforting as being spooned. it might sound silly, but it remains a closeness that i yearn for.
i can almost understand how loneliness can lead to one night stands or sex buddies. i miss the sensation of sleeping next to someone. i miss the feeling of waking up in someone's arms. i miss sex. but, i miss all the feelings that made sex that much better, too. i suppose i hope that people that have someone to go home to at night don't take it for granted. and, i hope that i'll be able to find it again soon.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
incongruent
i should have already become accustomed to reality not matching my plans. this past year has been somewhat of a slap in the face, as if the universe is telling me, "it's not your time." i used to feel privileged in the way things fell into place for me. i worked hard, but there was also an element of fortune or fate or something that helped push me in directions i truly desired to follow.
the past twenty-four hours have not been such a wonderful experience. firstly, i got my MCAT scores back. although i was trying to be hopefully optimistic, i considered that a dose of pragmatism was necessary while i pondered the possible outcome. but, my score was simply not good enough. there is no way that i could expect to apply to medical schools and make any sort of impact. immediately i searched for another date to write, another opportunity to get the piece of the puzzle i needed to go on. no such luck. every sitting of the exam basically from now until the last date in september that i could have written is completely booked everywhere in ontario. that means that i won't be applying this year.
i called my family in london to let them know, and i was pleasantly surprised by the support that i got. i had already discussed possibly doing a masters program involving ankylosing spondylitis if possible. my mom brought up midwifery, which would be a valuable alternative method of delivery i could offer patients in the future if i did become a family doctor. overall, i wasn't that upset about the score, more a little weighted witht the new decisions i have to make because of it.
then, on top of the score reveal, i had an appointment with the sports doctor. i had been having ankle pain while training for the past two months, and i had received athletic therapy. this did not solve the problem, so i was sent for x-rays and a ct scan. yesterday was the follow up appointment. she told me basically that there are some small bone fragments at the back of my ankle and one of the bones is slightly abnormal in shape. she wrote me a referral for orthodics and a surgical consult. it felt like so much information at the time that i almost wanted to cry to let out my building anxiety and frustration. i'm glad that i know what is causing my pain, but i was really hoping that it could be more easily resolved than with surgery.
right now my training and participation in varsity sport is up in the air. there are many unknowns. if it comes down to the possibility of long term pain and disability if i continue, then this may be the end of the road. but, who is to say? apparently the surgeon in hamilton that i am now trying to see.
this is not precisely the way i was hoping my summer would turn out, but i am certain it could be worse. so, i am grateful for the fact that i am still basically healthy and generally happy. i am also very grateful for the love of my friends and family.
the past twenty-four hours have not been such a wonderful experience. firstly, i got my MCAT scores back. although i was trying to be hopefully optimistic, i considered that a dose of pragmatism was necessary while i pondered the possible outcome. but, my score was simply not good enough. there is no way that i could expect to apply to medical schools and make any sort of impact. immediately i searched for another date to write, another opportunity to get the piece of the puzzle i needed to go on. no such luck. every sitting of the exam basically from now until the last date in september that i could have written is completely booked everywhere in ontario. that means that i won't be applying this year.
i called my family in london to let them know, and i was pleasantly surprised by the support that i got. i had already discussed possibly doing a masters program involving ankylosing spondylitis if possible. my mom brought up midwifery, which would be a valuable alternative method of delivery i could offer patients in the future if i did become a family doctor. overall, i wasn't that upset about the score, more a little weighted witht the new decisions i have to make because of it.
then, on top of the score reveal, i had an appointment with the sports doctor. i had been having ankle pain while training for the past two months, and i had received athletic therapy. this did not solve the problem, so i was sent for x-rays and a ct scan. yesterday was the follow up appointment. she told me basically that there are some small bone fragments at the back of my ankle and one of the bones is slightly abnormal in shape. she wrote me a referral for orthodics and a surgical consult. it felt like so much information at the time that i almost wanted to cry to let out my building anxiety and frustration. i'm glad that i know what is causing my pain, but i was really hoping that it could be more easily resolved than with surgery.
right now my training and participation in varsity sport is up in the air. there are many unknowns. if it comes down to the possibility of long term pain and disability if i continue, then this may be the end of the road. but, who is to say? apparently the surgeon in hamilton that i am now trying to see.
this is not precisely the way i was hoping my summer would turn out, but i am certain it could be worse. so, i am grateful for the fact that i am still basically healthy and generally happy. i am also very grateful for the love of my friends and family.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
incensed
have you ever had the right conversation with the wrong person? it usually only becomes apparent after the conversation has ended, and it becomes glaringly obviously that for some reason you should not have said something that you said to that particular individual.
i just had a conversation about my feelings about the mismanagement of funding within the department of athletics at the university of guelph, and the bias of the track and field head coach against people that do not compete as distance runners. this conversation let out a lot of pent up anger and even led to me learning new things about this particular individual. but, the conversation was with one of his assistant coaches. not the best idea i ever had. the guy i was talking to, we'll call him H. did not essentially agree with my opinion - which is fine, and i don't expect that everyone should - and i get the feeling now that i was somehow offending him by talking negatively about the other individual.
i rarely find myself in positions where i regret saying certain things, but i do think that we sometimes have to choose our battles so to speak, and bringing up that topic with that individual was not a battle i should have fought. i appreciate his patience and understanding in listening to me, but even over the course of the conversation, as i was trying to explain my point of view, H. defended the other man. H.'s verbal support of the head coach follows my admission of some ignorance and comparatively different experience with the man in question. of course H.'s opinion would be different than my own: he deals with the man ("S.") as a colleague, or peer, not as an athlete; he has been privy to information about situations that i have not; he has seen the management of teams other than the ones at guelph, and can more accurately assess whether a team is functional or not; and, he himself is also a distance runner, and coaches distance athletes.
i found the conversation, near the end, became very defensive on my part. i had already asserted that my opinion was borne of my own personal experience with S. and i didn't expect that H. would have a similar perspective. but, i was hoping H. might be able to maintain a little bit more objectivity than he did.
this whole thing is so obscure to anyone reading it, and i'm sorry for that. i just needed to get the feeling of a weight off my chest. nobody that would understand it is around, so instead of telling someone i know i thought i'd just tell a bunch of internet strangers. thanks for listening.
i just had a conversation about my feelings about the mismanagement of funding within the department of athletics at the university of guelph, and the bias of the track and field head coach against people that do not compete as distance runners. this conversation let out a lot of pent up anger and even led to me learning new things about this particular individual. but, the conversation was with one of his assistant coaches. not the best idea i ever had. the guy i was talking to, we'll call him H. did not essentially agree with my opinion - which is fine, and i don't expect that everyone should - and i get the feeling now that i was somehow offending him by talking negatively about the other individual.
i rarely find myself in positions where i regret saying certain things, but i do think that we sometimes have to choose our battles so to speak, and bringing up that topic with that individual was not a battle i should have fought. i appreciate his patience and understanding in listening to me, but even over the course of the conversation, as i was trying to explain my point of view, H. defended the other man. H.'s verbal support of the head coach follows my admission of some ignorance and comparatively different experience with the man in question. of course H.'s opinion would be different than my own: he deals with the man ("S.") as a colleague, or peer, not as an athlete; he has been privy to information about situations that i have not; he has seen the management of teams other than the ones at guelph, and can more accurately assess whether a team is functional or not; and, he himself is also a distance runner, and coaches distance athletes.
i found the conversation, near the end, became very defensive on my part. i had already asserted that my opinion was borne of my own personal experience with S. and i didn't expect that H. would have a similar perspective. but, i was hoping H. might be able to maintain a little bit more objectivity than he did.
this whole thing is so obscure to anyone reading it, and i'm sorry for that. i just needed to get the feeling of a weight off my chest. nobody that would understand it is around, so instead of telling someone i know i thought i'd just tell a bunch of internet strangers. thanks for listening.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
more connections in your brain than atoms in the universe
the brain is a wonderous as mystifying thing. not that i have done much study on the topic, but i am amazed at what it can do. how does a mass of material, that sparks with electrical signals, store memories, or transmit answers to questions, or bear original thought? it almost seems like something magical as if from a child's story.
memory is what intrigues me most. in particular, i am in wonder about the ability of the mind to associate sensory experience with memory. i mean certain images, smells, tastes, sounds, and touches draw us back to past times when we perhaps experienced those things before.
last night i went to see the fireworks with two of my roommates. as i watched, memories of watching those same fireworks last year came back to me. who i was with, who i saw, what we did, and even what we ate. but more than that, i remembered how i felt. strangely, my memories exceeded just last year but flashed to prior years. i remembered seeing fireworks with my family in strathroy on different occassions. it was not exactly a pleasant experience to remember, and i don't know why, considering that those memories themselves were pleasant enough. it left me feeling inexplicably lonely, and restless last night.
one new thought came to mind while watching the fireworks: how magnificent it might be to see a celebration in China. perhaps this shall go on the list of things i'd like to experience before i die.
memory is what intrigues me most. in particular, i am in wonder about the ability of the mind to associate sensory experience with memory. i mean certain images, smells, tastes, sounds, and touches draw us back to past times when we perhaps experienced those things before.
last night i went to see the fireworks with two of my roommates. as i watched, memories of watching those same fireworks last year came back to me. who i was with, who i saw, what we did, and even what we ate. but more than that, i remembered how i felt. strangely, my memories exceeded just last year but flashed to prior years. i remembered seeing fireworks with my family in strathroy on different occassions. it was not exactly a pleasant experience to remember, and i don't know why, considering that those memories themselves were pleasant enough. it left me feeling inexplicably lonely, and restless last night.
one new thought came to mind while watching the fireworks: how magnificent it might be to see a celebration in China. perhaps this shall go on the list of things i'd like to experience before i die.
Monday, June 30, 2008
why are we afraid?
fear. it might be one of the biggest obstacles that we face on a regular basis in our lives. fear makes us do things we don't want to do. fear keeps us from doing things that we actually want to do. fear of life. fear of death. fear of failure. fear of rejection. fear of love. fear of loss.
but why are we afriad? what is so frightening about life, death, failure, rejection, love or loss? it might be a far-fetched idea, but i'm pretty sure that the world would not end if we experienced any of these things (except perhaps death, and that would be individual, and would likely depend on your personal beliefs and whether in fact there is an afterlife - but a completely different discussion). in other words, what do we have to suffer other than a little discomfort? why does that have the ability, this fear of discomfort, then, to keep us from trying to obtain something really great?
i know that it was my mother's fear of her own father's disappointment that kept her from pursuing veterinary medicine. she wanted to work with animals but when she was 17, graduating as one of five children in a working-class family, her father told her that it would get her nowhere. my grandfather wanted to play violin. his passion was music. but, his own father told him that music could not pay the bills or put food on the table. so he gave up his dream and became a mechanic. in canada, he worked as a janitor in the halls of the university of western ontario. when he died, they lowered the flags to half mast. my grandmother has a fifth grade education. she never learned how to drive. she still asks me every once in a while to read more detailed mail to her and explain what it means. she worked with produce at national grocers. instead of going to university, my mom worked for the canadian national railway. she worked with her hands, and she worked as hard as she could with the skills she gained along the way. even now, after having stayed at home to raise three daughters, her high school diploma earned her a spot in her father's footsteps - as a janitor at sir frederick banting high school. she doesn't resent her father, nor does she blame him. but i suppose every once in a while she wonders to herself about how her life might have turned out had she chosen a different path; if she hadn't been afraid to follow her dreams.
but, all this talk of "following your dreams" sounds so hollywood, right? everyone can't hit it big, and everyone can't make big money. some people actually can't do what they dream of doing. ok, earth to dream girl. come in donner. i refuse to believe that trying to achieve your deepest desires in life will bring you unhappiness. i acknowledge only that there may be physical limitations that keep us from achieving our goals, but i don't think that anyone that has ever given 100% effort has been truly discontent with the outcome.
are we afraid of what other people might think of us? are we afriad to be seen as weak, or vulnerable, or broken, or needy? news flash: we are all weak, vulnerable, broken, and needy. i'm learning more about myself every day, and in that learning more about how i've pushed people away so that they couldn't witness those misgivings. but, do those moments of insecurity, paranoia, doubt, anger, sadness, or depression make me any less human? of course not! they make me more human. i've appreciated the friends and family of mine that have been around in the past, especially the last 10 months, that have been privy to all aspects of me, and loved me still.
but why are we afriad? what is so frightening about life, death, failure, rejection, love or loss? it might be a far-fetched idea, but i'm pretty sure that the world would not end if we experienced any of these things (except perhaps death, and that would be individual, and would likely depend on your personal beliefs and whether in fact there is an afterlife - but a completely different discussion). in other words, what do we have to suffer other than a little discomfort? why does that have the ability, this fear of discomfort, then, to keep us from trying to obtain something really great?
i know that it was my mother's fear of her own father's disappointment that kept her from pursuing veterinary medicine. she wanted to work with animals but when she was 17, graduating as one of five children in a working-class family, her father told her that it would get her nowhere. my grandfather wanted to play violin. his passion was music. but, his own father told him that music could not pay the bills or put food on the table. so he gave up his dream and became a mechanic. in canada, he worked as a janitor in the halls of the university of western ontario. when he died, they lowered the flags to half mast. my grandmother has a fifth grade education. she never learned how to drive. she still asks me every once in a while to read more detailed mail to her and explain what it means. she worked with produce at national grocers. instead of going to university, my mom worked for the canadian national railway. she worked with her hands, and she worked as hard as she could with the skills she gained along the way. even now, after having stayed at home to raise three daughters, her high school diploma earned her a spot in her father's footsteps - as a janitor at sir frederick banting high school. she doesn't resent her father, nor does she blame him. but i suppose every once in a while she wonders to herself about how her life might have turned out had she chosen a different path; if she hadn't been afraid to follow her dreams.
but, all this talk of "following your dreams" sounds so hollywood, right? everyone can't hit it big, and everyone can't make big money. some people actually can't do what they dream of doing. ok, earth to dream girl. come in donner. i refuse to believe that trying to achieve your deepest desires in life will bring you unhappiness. i acknowledge only that there may be physical limitations that keep us from achieving our goals, but i don't think that anyone that has ever given 100% effort has been truly discontent with the outcome.
are we afraid of what other people might think of us? are we afriad to be seen as weak, or vulnerable, or broken, or needy? news flash: we are all weak, vulnerable, broken, and needy. i'm learning more about myself every day, and in that learning more about how i've pushed people away so that they couldn't witness those misgivings. but, do those moments of insecurity, paranoia, doubt, anger, sadness, or depression make me any less human? of course not! they make me more human. i've appreciated the friends and family of mine that have been around in the past, especially the last 10 months, that have been privy to all aspects of me, and loved me still.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
get caught in the rain
one of the simplest pleasures in life is getting caught in the rain.
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you're much too far from your destination to bother trying to run, because you're going to get wet either way. you don't even bother taking out your umbrella - in the small chance that you brought one with you - because walking through the puddles is sufficient to soak your pants up to the knees. you need to take off your glasses because so many raindrops are hitting them that it's like driving in a storm without windshield wipers.
but every pore of your body feels cleansed because every inch of you is soaked through with heaven's tears. i can never help but smile and laugh when i walk in the rain. i always feel so good. and it usually ends with stripping off the sodden clothing and getting bundled up. i usually get really drowsy, too, which makes for wonderful naps.
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if you get the chance, go get caught in the rain this summer. it's beautiful.
-
you're much too far from your destination to bother trying to run, because you're going to get wet either way. you don't even bother taking out your umbrella - in the small chance that you brought one with you - because walking through the puddles is sufficient to soak your pants up to the knees. you need to take off your glasses because so many raindrops are hitting them that it's like driving in a storm without windshield wipers.
but every pore of your body feels cleansed because every inch of you is soaked through with heaven's tears. i can never help but smile and laugh when i walk in the rain. i always feel so good. and it usually ends with stripping off the sodden clothing and getting bundled up. i usually get really drowsy, too, which makes for wonderful naps.
-
if you get the chance, go get caught in the rain this summer. it's beautiful.
Friday, June 27, 2008
the revolution is now
zeitgeist - the movie
watch it. it will be two hours of your time well spent. if nothing else, i hope you question your own motives.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
teddy left behind
"quiet. be still," teddy said,
"they'll find us if you speak.
you must not make a single sound,
or make the floor boards creak.
we're winning this game of mice and men.
we're most ingeniusly concealed.
but, if your patience doesn't last,
we'll surely be revealed."
so john stood still in the shadowed hall,
silent, and cleverly hidden.
he was afraid that if he made a noise
he'd never be forgiven.
teddy told him what to do.
teddy told him what to say.
teddy told him when to pick a fight.
teddy told him when to play.
teddy used to make john happy.
teddy was john's best friend.
but, lately john had been thinking
that their friendship soon must end.
the happiness was empty now,
and increasingly shortlived.
john knew somewhere deep inside
he didn't want what teddy had to give.
slowly, john put teddy down
upon the wooden floor.
"what are you doing?" teddy asked.
john said, "i don't need you anymore."
"silly boy, of course you do,"
teddy whispered with a sneer,
"without me you're nothing;
you'd simply disappear."
"that's not true," john replied,
"i can make it without you.
i'm a real boy with my own mind;
i can choose what i say and do.
i'll show you how much stronger
i am now than i was before.
i'll turn my back and walk away,
and leave you on the floor."
teddy snarled, "you're such a fool!
or can't you see? i am all you know.
you're too afraid, you're too weak,
to turn around and go."
but john said not another word.
he took a breath to keep him steady.
he stood up tall, his chin held high;
he was finally ready.
toward the light john turned then -
teddy's rule over him was done -
and slowly, but excitedly,
he walked out into the sun.
today
at this moment i hope for freedom from the past; perhaps only then might i live completely in the present.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
ahh, a variety of people
i hope we don't take for granted how wonderful it is to have a variety of people in our lives. not that canada isn't also somewhat of a melting pot, but i mean "variety" in a number of different ways. in my own life i know people from several religions, many ethnicities, numerous life circumstances, and - in university - a whole range of majors.
this last sense of variety is what this particular post is about. last night i had a bunch of friends over for homemade pizza and frozen yogurt. following the meal we had a few drinks and played cranium. as people started milling out around 11pm or so, i got into a discussion about obama, clinton, mccain, gore, and the state of american politics in general with two political science majors. one of the guys i know well, the other was his roommate.
i don't think that you need to know everything, or even anything, about a topic in order to have a good conversation about it; however, it is nice to hear the informed perspective of people who are abreast of the subject at hand. last night was exceedingly entertaining, warm, and thought provoking.
thank you to my friends.
this last sense of variety is what this particular post is about. last night i had a bunch of friends over for homemade pizza and frozen yogurt. following the meal we had a few drinks and played cranium. as people started milling out around 11pm or so, i got into a discussion about obama, clinton, mccain, gore, and the state of american politics in general with two political science majors. one of the guys i know well, the other was his roommate.
i don't think that you need to know everything, or even anything, about a topic in order to have a good conversation about it; however, it is nice to hear the informed perspective of people who are abreast of the subject at hand. last night was exceedingly entertaining, warm, and thought provoking.
thank you to my friends.
Sunday, June 22, 2008
a pet peeve
i don't know of many things that really truly get under my skin, but i've experienced one recently.
i don't like it when people ask me why i am not dating anyone.
how could i possibly answer that question? are they even expecting an answer, or is it rhetorical? in which case, why would you ask it to my face, in a public place, surrounded by family and friends, while my cousin gets married. i can't completely explain why my first long term relationship didn't work. i only really understand my side of the story. since then i haven't reall been putting myself out there so to speak. i've been studying most of the time, and spending my leisure hours with female friends or with guy friends that i have known too long to be attracted to.
am i supposed to take it as a compliment when i'm told that it is a surprise that i am not "taken," given all of my apparent attributes? can't i just be happily single instead of in-between-relationships?
i don't understand why all eligible women must be dating eligible men. i can't deny the fact that i'd actually enjoy a date here or there. it would be nice to meet someone that i can talk to and be intimate with in a different way than with my friends. but, make no mistake - i am not looking. it's enough that my little sister has just started her first "official" relationship (meaning that the last guy she saw never called her his girlfriend). i look forward to supporting her through all of the stages, such as meeting the parents a couple of weeks ago. it's fun to watch someone go through the newness and awkwardness that accompanies dating someone for the first time. my older sister has more drama than a soap opera, and listening to her is enough to keep me away from men for a while.
it just really irks me that some people believe you can only feel fulfilled when you are dating/married.
i don't like it when people ask me why i am not dating anyone.
how could i possibly answer that question? are they even expecting an answer, or is it rhetorical? in which case, why would you ask it to my face, in a public place, surrounded by family and friends, while my cousin gets married. i can't completely explain why my first long term relationship didn't work. i only really understand my side of the story. since then i haven't reall been putting myself out there so to speak. i've been studying most of the time, and spending my leisure hours with female friends or with guy friends that i have known too long to be attracted to.
am i supposed to take it as a compliment when i'm told that it is a surprise that i am not "taken," given all of my apparent attributes? can't i just be happily single instead of in-between-relationships?
i don't understand why all eligible women must be dating eligible men. i can't deny the fact that i'd actually enjoy a date here or there. it would be nice to meet someone that i can talk to and be intimate with in a different way than with my friends. but, make no mistake - i am not looking. it's enough that my little sister has just started her first "official" relationship (meaning that the last guy she saw never called her his girlfriend). i look forward to supporting her through all of the stages, such as meeting the parents a couple of weeks ago. it's fun to watch someone go through the newness and awkwardness that accompanies dating someone for the first time. my older sister has more drama than a soap opera, and listening to her is enough to keep me away from men for a while.
it just really irks me that some people believe you can only feel fulfilled when you are dating/married.
take an idea and run with it
i'm rather happy to say that i have been able to stay in touch with at least one of my high school teachers. high school is a very interesting time when you're actually making the transition between being a child and being an adult. teachers that witness this stage of your life are rather forgiving in that they allow you to make some of the social faux pas involved in your entrance into adulthood - such as flirting.
if you've been able to maintain a relationship with any past teacher, from any stage of your education, it is likely that that person had a profound effect on you in some way, perhaps influencing your career choice or supporting you in your personal life. mine is my grade 12 biology teacher. i always admired his charisma and his dedication to teaching. he was far from conventional in his methods. i specifically remember his showing us a slideshow that he put together. it was images of animals and cells and other life forms and processes. the soundtrack included "ground control to major tom" by david bowie, and "eye in the sky" by alan parsons project. on remembrance day of that year, he played bob dylans' "masters of war" and mounted the lyrics on the overhead.
evidently, mr.maclellan (john, though i can't comfortable call him that to his face despite the many times he has asked me to) has been supportive of my scholastic endeavours. more than that, he's supported me as a person. so, in return i thought i would post his website here.
part of his unconventional teaching included magnets. he was just starting to expand while i was his student, but since then has covered his classroom with sheet metal and all manner of colourful cut outs and posters. what amazes and moves me most is that he did almost all of this with his own money. now, he's started a business that has distributed over 300 units to canada and the u.s., and has recently made a transaction with a company in australia. his company is called virtmac, which stands for Visual Interactive Revolutionary Tactile Magnetic Classroom. don't ask me; i didn't come up with it.
good luck, john.
if you've been able to maintain a relationship with any past teacher, from any stage of your education, it is likely that that person had a profound effect on you in some way, perhaps influencing your career choice or supporting you in your personal life. mine is my grade 12 biology teacher. i always admired his charisma and his dedication to teaching. he was far from conventional in his methods. i specifically remember his showing us a slideshow that he put together. it was images of animals and cells and other life forms and processes. the soundtrack included "ground control to major tom" by david bowie, and "eye in the sky" by alan parsons project. on remembrance day of that year, he played bob dylans' "masters of war" and mounted the lyrics on the overhead.
evidently, mr.maclellan (john, though i can't comfortable call him that to his face despite the many times he has asked me to) has been supportive of my scholastic endeavours. more than that, he's supported me as a person. so, in return i thought i would post his website here.
part of his unconventional teaching included magnets. he was just starting to expand while i was his student, but since then has covered his classroom with sheet metal and all manner of colourful cut outs and posters. what amazes and moves me most is that he did almost all of this with his own money. now, he's started a business that has distributed over 300 units to canada and the u.s., and has recently made a transaction with a company in australia. his company is called virtmac, which stands for Visual Interactive Revolutionary Tactile Magnetic Classroom. don't ask me; i didn't come up with it.
good luck, john.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
to the ones i no longer know
i don't think that we make friends with any plans in mind about how long we will know them or how well they will know us. we don't set out a list of names of our lifelong buddies and assume that everyone else fits into the category of "suits a purpose". however, i think most of us understand that not every best friend from kindergarten will be there when we graduate from university, and not every little league teammate will see us fall in love for the last time. in other words i think we all know that some people come into our lives and remain a part of our meandering journey while others are just passersby.
i've been somewhat sad recently thinking about some of the people that i knew well at one point who have now become strangers to me: girls that i got to know when i was in grade 1 and 2 at my first elementary school; a boy, jordan, from my childhood who had mental and physical handicaps and who happened to be one of the most brutally honest and beautiful people i have ever met; teachers that i befriended, especially my french teacher in grade 5, mrs. erickson; guys that i met in grade 7, who had so much to learn about themselves but who were enjoying - or at least making the most of - their social awkwardness.
more than anything i regret the few times that i made promises of friendship that have now dissipated into whispers of the past. i suppose you can't really know how the world will turn out when you pledge unfailing loyalty to your best friend at 13, but i should have known better when i was 19. i told yazan that i wouldn't be one of those people that walked out of his life. i promised him that i wasn't the kind of person that shut someone out of my life. i broke my promise to him, and coincidentally eaten my words in a separate but equally distressing situation.
why does this happen? why are we able to feel so connected to some people and then find ourselves with nothing in common a short few years later? i'm sorry to the people i have lost contact with. i am sorry to all of the friends that i told i would always be there for. i'm most sorry to my first love that i wasn't open enough to feel all of the emotions involved in our changing relationship. i never meant to hurt any one of you. i did love you all, each in your own right, in my own way. i suppose it was just the wind that took us in different directions. i hope you're all well.
i've been somewhat sad recently thinking about some of the people that i knew well at one point who have now become strangers to me: girls that i got to know when i was in grade 1 and 2 at my first elementary school; a boy, jordan, from my childhood who had mental and physical handicaps and who happened to be one of the most brutally honest and beautiful people i have ever met; teachers that i befriended, especially my french teacher in grade 5, mrs. erickson; guys that i met in grade 7, who had so much to learn about themselves but who were enjoying - or at least making the most of - their social awkwardness.
more than anything i regret the few times that i made promises of friendship that have now dissipated into whispers of the past. i suppose you can't really know how the world will turn out when you pledge unfailing loyalty to your best friend at 13, but i should have known better when i was 19. i told yazan that i wouldn't be one of those people that walked out of his life. i promised him that i wasn't the kind of person that shut someone out of my life. i broke my promise to him, and coincidentally eaten my words in a separate but equally distressing situation.
why does this happen? why are we able to feel so connected to some people and then find ourselves with nothing in common a short few years later? i'm sorry to the people i have lost contact with. i am sorry to all of the friends that i told i would always be there for. i'm most sorry to my first love that i wasn't open enough to feel all of the emotions involved in our changing relationship. i never meant to hurt any one of you. i did love you all, each in your own right, in my own way. i suppose it was just the wind that took us in different directions. i hope you're all well.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
a champion of every cause?
while eating breakfast this morning, i started perusing several of the articles in the Guelph Tribune. i'm not usually a newspaper reader, and i shock myself and how infrequently i revisit world issues and current events. sometimes i get overwhelmed between knowing when to focus on global affairs and when to stay local. at any rate, i was touched by three different articles. in my opinion these pieces were well written in the sense that all three riled me up and made me want to get involved. since i recognize the opportunity to use this medium as a tool to that end, i thought i would mention them.
the first - "making guelph a better place"
this was an editorial written concerning the incidence of accidental death and increasing neglect of residents in nursing homes in ontario. as a priveleged canadian, i have known all four of my grandparents as well as one great-grandmother. i am grateful every day at the opportunity to have been exposed to such a wealth of knowledge and experience, and a font of wisdom and courage. i cherish the time i have spent with all of them. despite the fact that my two remaining grandmothers still live on their own, i take this issue to heart.
it is unfortunate that some people treat their elderly as past-their-prime. i know individuals who literally only see their grandparents at christmas. what a shame. you must not realise what a beautiful relationship you are missing out on. but, i cannot underestimate how difficult it might be to see grandparents who don't know who you are due to age or disease related memory loss. i don't know how it feels to watch grandparents that must be on oxygen tanks, or move in wheelchairs, or live without site. many elderly who are in this position are placed in nursing homes for the care and compassion that we expect that they will receive. and that is the issue at hand - are they getting it.
apparently one of the big obstacles to providing standardized care to patients in these facilities is the increasing prevalence of mental health issues and severe physical limitations. we need more staff to care for residents. we need better training for staff. we need more money for both.
i hope people start realising that when we invest in our past we are actually investing in our own future. we set the precedent for our own treatment. don't you hope to receive the proper attention, medical care, respect, and dignity?
note: i have a special place in my heart for mental health issues. as an aspiring doctor i find that health encompasses total wellness, which can be affected by physical and psychological well-being. i see the stigma of mental health issues, and i am even still fighting my own prejudices. it is not a simple matter, but one i think deserves attention.
the second - "fairness the reason"
another editorial. this time, about why guelph greens are going door to door right now. apparently green party of canada leader elizabeth may is currently not seated as a member of the televised leaders debates. i'm not usually that interested in politics, especially canadian politics, but since my excitement about the 2008 presidential race in the usa, i've become more aware of just how odd our politics are.
how can we possibly justify not giving the green party leader, who is a viable option in every province, an opportunity to speak in a national forum but we give that opportunity to the bloc quebecois leader, who only speaks to the residents of one province. i don't get it. but maybe i just don't understand these issues. nevertheless, i think this is an injustice, and a smack in the face for anyone who believes in the idea of a democratic society.
the third - "no easy way out of the energy crisis"
a column article this time. alan pickersgill addresses our half-committment to making changes concerning our energy usage today. he identifies current affairs at GM in detroit, the UN conference in rome, and discussions about improvements to the hanlon in guelph and a GTA west transportation corridor. the part that stood out the most to me, as being effective in pursuit of communicating a message, was:
"Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die. Lots of people want to save the environment without giving up the creature comforts that are killing it. We can't have it both ways."
obviously the health of the environment has always been a concern, but it seems to be getting more and more attention with the energy efficent appliances, hybrid cars, concentrated laundry detergent (that allegedly make their contribution by using less plastic for packaging), and earth hour lights off projects. but, i have noticed that many of the people getting environmental consciences are realising how much poor management of our resources is finally costing us. at the same time, they don't understand that sometimes you need to spend a lot to get a lot, as with retrofitting of campus buildings with high efficiency insulation and ventilation systems that reduce energy usage and cost over the long term. i admire the bull ring pub who uses recycled paper products, encourages reusable mugs, buys much of their produce locally, and powers the building solely on wind energy. i've seen some of the wind fields going up in huron and bruce counties. i think they're beautiful. but even if i didn't, i could deal with their addition to the landscape if it meant my children won't all get melanoma before the age of 12 due to overexposure to damaging UV light.
anyways, my long post was more an appeasement of my own thoughts i suppose. it's nice to have someone to discuss with, but sometimes you're sans companion at the most inopportune times.
the first - "making guelph a better place"
this was an editorial written concerning the incidence of accidental death and increasing neglect of residents in nursing homes in ontario. as a priveleged canadian, i have known all four of my grandparents as well as one great-grandmother. i am grateful every day at the opportunity to have been exposed to such a wealth of knowledge and experience, and a font of wisdom and courage. i cherish the time i have spent with all of them. despite the fact that my two remaining grandmothers still live on their own, i take this issue to heart.
it is unfortunate that some people treat their elderly as past-their-prime. i know individuals who literally only see their grandparents at christmas. what a shame. you must not realise what a beautiful relationship you are missing out on. but, i cannot underestimate how difficult it might be to see grandparents who don't know who you are due to age or disease related memory loss. i don't know how it feels to watch grandparents that must be on oxygen tanks, or move in wheelchairs, or live without site. many elderly who are in this position are placed in nursing homes for the care and compassion that we expect that they will receive. and that is the issue at hand - are they getting it.
apparently one of the big obstacles to providing standardized care to patients in these facilities is the increasing prevalence of mental health issues and severe physical limitations. we need more staff to care for residents. we need better training for staff. we need more money for both.
i hope people start realising that when we invest in our past we are actually investing in our own future. we set the precedent for our own treatment. don't you hope to receive the proper attention, medical care, respect, and dignity?
note: i have a special place in my heart for mental health issues. as an aspiring doctor i find that health encompasses total wellness, which can be affected by physical and psychological well-being. i see the stigma of mental health issues, and i am even still fighting my own prejudices. it is not a simple matter, but one i think deserves attention.
the second - "fairness the reason"
another editorial. this time, about why guelph greens are going door to door right now. apparently green party of canada leader elizabeth may is currently not seated as a member of the televised leaders debates. i'm not usually that interested in politics, especially canadian politics, but since my excitement about the 2008 presidential race in the usa, i've become more aware of just how odd our politics are.
how can we possibly justify not giving the green party leader, who is a viable option in every province, an opportunity to speak in a national forum but we give that opportunity to the bloc quebecois leader, who only speaks to the residents of one province. i don't get it. but maybe i just don't understand these issues. nevertheless, i think this is an injustice, and a smack in the face for anyone who believes in the idea of a democratic society.
the third - "no easy way out of the energy crisis"
a column article this time. alan pickersgill addresses our half-committment to making changes concerning our energy usage today. he identifies current affairs at GM in detroit, the UN conference in rome, and discussions about improvements to the hanlon in guelph and a GTA west transportation corridor. the part that stood out the most to me, as being effective in pursuit of communicating a message, was:
"Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die. Lots of people want to save the environment without giving up the creature comforts that are killing it. We can't have it both ways."
obviously the health of the environment has always been a concern, but it seems to be getting more and more attention with the energy efficent appliances, hybrid cars, concentrated laundry detergent (that allegedly make their contribution by using less plastic for packaging), and earth hour lights off projects. but, i have noticed that many of the people getting environmental consciences are realising how much poor management of our resources is finally costing us. at the same time, they don't understand that sometimes you need to spend a lot to get a lot, as with retrofitting of campus buildings with high efficiency insulation and ventilation systems that reduce energy usage and cost over the long term. i admire the bull ring pub who uses recycled paper products, encourages reusable mugs, buys much of their produce locally, and powers the building solely on wind energy. i've seen some of the wind fields going up in huron and bruce counties. i think they're beautiful. but even if i didn't, i could deal with their addition to the landscape if it meant my children won't all get melanoma before the age of 12 due to overexposure to damaging UV light.
anyways, my long post was more an appeasement of my own thoughts i suppose. it's nice to have someone to discuss with, but sometimes you're sans companion at the most inopportune times.
Friday, June 6, 2008
sunshine and a black demoncratic presidential candidate
today is a good day.
i'm not taking into account any of the anxiety and fears associated with the test that i am going to write a week from today, or the concern over how to make time for all of the extended family that will be visiting next weekend, or figuring out why my body is still off-balance. rather, i am only thinking about how beautifully warm and sunny it is outside and how barack obama has finally won the democratic nomination.
throughout this primary campaign, there have been women of colour in public office, hollywood, and social esteem who have supported barack obama and been questioned. they've been accused of turning on their sisters and neglecting their responsibility to their sex to put forth a united voice. why must a woman choose between her colour and her gender? why do people make it seem like that is all black women are using as a basis for their decision of which candidate to support? you're sorely mistaken if you think women will get women elected if they're only justification is, "she's a woman."
i was reading some stories on CNN.com just now, and i came across an article by the feminist daughter of pulitzer prize-winning author alice walker. even as a woman, i tend not to read or listen to works by self-proclaimed "feminists" as i have found in the past that the word is misused. typically these women do not seek equality, but rather superiority, and as such have an inflated and distorted image of females today. however, i found this particular writing to be very refreshing. i thought that her discourse on the necessity of women to now rally behind barack obama to be insightful and uplifting. i especially liked how her thoughts parallel obama's platform in "the necessity of ending divisiveness and relying more on the human capacity for openness as a baseline for true progress".
my favourite part? the title: best woman for the job could be a man.
i'm not taking into account any of the anxiety and fears associated with the test that i am going to write a week from today, or the concern over how to make time for all of the extended family that will be visiting next weekend, or figuring out why my body is still off-balance. rather, i am only thinking about how beautifully warm and sunny it is outside and how barack obama has finally won the democratic nomination.
throughout this primary campaign, there have been women of colour in public office, hollywood, and social esteem who have supported barack obama and been questioned. they've been accused of turning on their sisters and neglecting their responsibility to their sex to put forth a united voice. why must a woman choose between her colour and her gender? why do people make it seem like that is all black women are using as a basis for their decision of which candidate to support? you're sorely mistaken if you think women will get women elected if they're only justification is, "she's a woman."
i was reading some stories on CNN.com just now, and i came across an article by the feminist daughter of pulitzer prize-winning author alice walker. even as a woman, i tend not to read or listen to works by self-proclaimed "feminists" as i have found in the past that the word is misused. typically these women do not seek equality, but rather superiority, and as such have an inflated and distorted image of females today. however, i found this particular writing to be very refreshing. i thought that her discourse on the necessity of women to now rally behind barack obama to be insightful and uplifting. i especially liked how her thoughts parallel obama's platform in "the necessity of ending divisiveness and relying more on the human capacity for openness as a baseline for true progress".
my favourite part? the title: best woman for the job could be a man.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
a struggle with words
sometimes i find that fiction can provide some worthwhile lessons for real life. i remember specifically from one movie, called finding forrester, that the writer instructs his protege to begin typing one of the writer's own published works until the words flow freely from the young man instead. i've been struggling a great deal with the writing section of my test. i thought that this would be the easiest part for me, given that i actually enjoy composing. so, i am trying to take that advice and at least get my fingers in the rhythm of hitting those keys and my mind in the rhythm of accessing and processing.
i admit that i am not all that articulate without my dictionary and thesaurus. i just feel that there are often words that more accurately describe what i want to say. i also have a tendancy to enjoy verbosity. i don't intend that my writing appear inflated or presumptuous, but i like the way it sounds when things flow in a melodic way, and sometimes "big" words flow better than smaller ones. one of my problems is also feeling the need to edit and re-edit as i write. i assess previous sentences before i even have the opportunity to finish my original thought. i don't know exactly why that is, but i am going to have to break that habit quickly.
i've never liked writing timed essays but i know that i definitely cannot afford to remain disliking them if i intend to write them well. i need to be open-minded and creative instead. but, it is difficult to be that way when you must follow instructions and write about pre-determined topics, especially ones unrelated to my field of interest. i'm finding that the most common theme in the writing samples is politics.
i need to start practicing seeing things from two different perspectives. it is easy to give in to bias and prejudice. but, i can't do that. i need to see things for what they are and allow myself to imagine how the two differeing perspectives can be united in some way. my dear. this will be a challenge.
i admit that i am not all that articulate without my dictionary and thesaurus. i just feel that there are often words that more accurately describe what i want to say. i also have a tendancy to enjoy verbosity. i don't intend that my writing appear inflated or presumptuous, but i like the way it sounds when things flow in a melodic way, and sometimes "big" words flow better than smaller ones. one of my problems is also feeling the need to edit and re-edit as i write. i assess previous sentences before i even have the opportunity to finish my original thought. i don't know exactly why that is, but i am going to have to break that habit quickly.
i've never liked writing timed essays but i know that i definitely cannot afford to remain disliking them if i intend to write them well. i need to be open-minded and creative instead. but, it is difficult to be that way when you must follow instructions and write about pre-determined topics, especially ones unrelated to my field of interest. i'm finding that the most common theme in the writing samples is politics.
i need to start practicing seeing things from two different perspectives. it is easy to give in to bias and prejudice. but, i can't do that. i need to see things for what they are and allow myself to imagine how the two differeing perspectives can be united in some way. my dear. this will be a challenge.
Monday, June 2, 2008
take me home
i have been having an overwhelming urge to go home. i want to be in that place of childhood memories and mishaps. i want to be surrounded by people that i know and love. i just want to be able to sit in silence with them, while the tv is flashing lights, or rain is falling outside, or the dogs are napping, and just feel that warmth that can only come from true familiarity.
more now than before i appreciate how important it is to make time for each individual in my life. as much as having "family time" is good, it is nice to have "mom time," and "sister time," and "nonna time." these people all need to be listened to, and to be shown that i appreciate them listening to me as well. as much as our society has bred a generation of social butterflies, we all still get intimidated or overwhelmed by so many faces. sometimes, it is nice to have one-on-one time with a family member.
i especially enjoy spending time with my grandmothers. when i've done this in the past, i have often left having learned something about their history: their lives before coming to canada; their lives after the war; their early family; and so much more. i know that i have been blessed with the opportunity to have even met my grandparents, let alone have close relationships with them. i try not to take their wisdom, and special understanding for granted. they are particularly forgiving, and particularly loving. i actually feel sorry for people who have not been able to experience such a wonderous presence in their own lives.
that being said, i am sure that people realise that they can be that presence in someone else's life. just showing someone that you care, by calling randomly on a wednesday afternoon, or sending a card inscribed with "just because," or walking straight up to that person the next time you see them, and, before saying anything at all, just give them a hug.
i am not trying to preach. i have struggled with showing my affection and appreciation for my family and even close friends. i need to make a constant effort to remember that this is important. however, i do know what makes me feel loved and wanted. and i thought i might share it.
more now than before i appreciate how important it is to make time for each individual in my life. as much as having "family time" is good, it is nice to have "mom time," and "sister time," and "nonna time." these people all need to be listened to, and to be shown that i appreciate them listening to me as well. as much as our society has bred a generation of social butterflies, we all still get intimidated or overwhelmed by so many faces. sometimes, it is nice to have one-on-one time with a family member.
i especially enjoy spending time with my grandmothers. when i've done this in the past, i have often left having learned something about their history: their lives before coming to canada; their lives after the war; their early family; and so much more. i know that i have been blessed with the opportunity to have even met my grandparents, let alone have close relationships with them. i try not to take their wisdom, and special understanding for granted. they are particularly forgiving, and particularly loving. i actually feel sorry for people who have not been able to experience such a wonderous presence in their own lives.
that being said, i am sure that people realise that they can be that presence in someone else's life. just showing someone that you care, by calling randomly on a wednesday afternoon, or sending a card inscribed with "just because," or walking straight up to that person the next time you see them, and, before saying anything at all, just give them a hug.
i am not trying to preach. i have struggled with showing my affection and appreciation for my family and even close friends. i need to make a constant effort to remember that this is important. however, i do know what makes me feel loved and wanted. and i thought i might share it.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
beauty and the bitch?
first of all, i'd like to say that i love friends. true friends. the people in your life that tell you the truth even when they know that you're not going to like it.
anyways, i am eternally grateful that i have made a special group of friends with the people that i volunteered with this year at the campus drop-in center. we still have "team meetings," but now they involve dinner and wine. last night was one of these meetings, and while i was there i asked the our token male his perspective on a particular issue.
i've been somewhat unsure what kind of reaction or behaviour guys are looking for from girls when the guy does something wrong, i.e., cheats. when i had a conversation with an older female friend of mine, she said that a girl has to be a "bitch" every once in a while. that way, she won't get walked all over. i was not sure whether her opinion was borne out of heartache, resentment and cynicism, so i didn't know whether i could take it at face value. i, in my attempt to see things from the male perspective, thought that a guy might not want the crying and screaming and slamming of doors in their faces. i thought maybe they'd prefer the conversation and understanding and forgiveness.
now, when i posed this situation hypothetically to my friend, he said that as a guy, he would want "the bitch". he clarified, and said that it's not so much the meanness he'd want, but he wanted evidence that a girl has some pride and self-esteem. (sidenote: apparently those times that i didn't get angry and yell and cry, i came across as having low self-esteem. who knew?) according to my friend, guys prefer to have a girl that kicks him out and tells him not to call, because she is being assertive, and basically demanding better treatment. she is challenging him to be better than he's been in the past. it makes a clear statement that his wrong-doing will not be tolerated, or easily overcome; so, if he wants to stay with her, he better improve his game.
i wonder whether the outcome of various situations would have been different had i played the bitch card. i don't know. but, i appreciate the insight and i actually understand the logic. i will definitely consider that in the future, if i should ever be in another similar situation - which, from my experience, i would much rather avoid all together.
anyways, i am eternally grateful that i have made a special group of friends with the people that i volunteered with this year at the campus drop-in center. we still have "team meetings," but now they involve dinner and wine. last night was one of these meetings, and while i was there i asked the our token male his perspective on a particular issue.
i've been somewhat unsure what kind of reaction or behaviour guys are looking for from girls when the guy does something wrong, i.e., cheats. when i had a conversation with an older female friend of mine, she said that a girl has to be a "bitch" every once in a while. that way, she won't get walked all over. i was not sure whether her opinion was borne out of heartache, resentment and cynicism, so i didn't know whether i could take it at face value. i, in my attempt to see things from the male perspective, thought that a guy might not want the crying and screaming and slamming of doors in their faces. i thought maybe they'd prefer the conversation and understanding and forgiveness.
now, when i posed this situation hypothetically to my friend, he said that as a guy, he would want "the bitch". he clarified, and said that it's not so much the meanness he'd want, but he wanted evidence that a girl has some pride and self-esteem. (sidenote: apparently those times that i didn't get angry and yell and cry, i came across as having low self-esteem. who knew?) according to my friend, guys prefer to have a girl that kicks him out and tells him not to call, because she is being assertive, and basically demanding better treatment. she is challenging him to be better than he's been in the past. it makes a clear statement that his wrong-doing will not be tolerated, or easily overcome; so, if he wants to stay with her, he better improve his game.
i wonder whether the outcome of various situations would have been different had i played the bitch card. i don't know. but, i appreciate the insight and i actually understand the logic. i will definitely consider that in the future, if i should ever be in another similar situation - which, from my experience, i would much rather avoid all together.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
send out energy and it will return
during a conversation with my former significant other, i told him that one reason i look forward to having my own home is for it to be a place where people know they are welcome to come anytime of day or night at any time of year. he told me then that i couldn't tell people that, that they would never actually just drop in until they felt like it was their home and could do so. i had to make it evident with my actions that they were welcome to come.
well, this week, two friends of mine just "dropped in" on two separate occasions. they had no idea what i would be doing, or whether i would even be home. despite both of them having cell phones, neither called before coming. in fact, neither stayed that long, but they came in to say hello and just see what i was up to and how i was doing. i do not write this just to show to people that i have friends, and that they come to visit me. i'm not that concerned whether people think i have a lot of friends, or think i am a loner. i write this because it brings to mind a simple truth: little things can go a long way.
it irritates me that we use gifts as bargaining tools in this society. we do not give just to give; rather, we give with the expectation of receiving. when did this start? has it always been this way? i am not saying that we must all become altruists, but there is such a thing as sharing the wealth. if anything, do it because it brings you happiness to see someone else happy; do it because you know that another person really needed your help but couldn't ask for it; do it because it brings you peace to be a part of a community.
have you ever seen the movie, or read the book, "pay it forward" (catherine ryan hides, 2000)? it involves a young boy's design for ever-reaching understanding and generosity by doing three good things for other people and asking each person that you help to do the same (and so on). i think that this is closer to altruism, but still balanced with some personal benefit: the knowledge that your "good deeds" are passed on and many benefit from your kindness.
this concept of paying it forward was actually documented in a letter from benjamin franklin to bejamin webb dated april 22, 1784, which read:
i do not pretend to give such a sum; i only lend it to you. when you [...] meet with another honest man in similar distress, you must pay me by lending this sum to him; enjoining him to discharge the debt by a like operation, when he shall be able, and shall meet with another opportunity. i hope it may thus go thro' many hands, before it meets with a knave that will stop its progress. this is a trick of mine for doing a deal of good with a little money.
i wish that we could all remember this type of philosophy from time to time. even doing it when the thought randomly comes to mind, as opposed to every day, is still a great gift to the world. plus, the immediate payment typically involves a warm smile, or hug, or words, and possibly - if you believe - some good karma.
well, this week, two friends of mine just "dropped in" on two separate occasions. they had no idea what i would be doing, or whether i would even be home. despite both of them having cell phones, neither called before coming. in fact, neither stayed that long, but they came in to say hello and just see what i was up to and how i was doing. i do not write this just to show to people that i have friends, and that they come to visit me. i'm not that concerned whether people think i have a lot of friends, or think i am a loner. i write this because it brings to mind a simple truth: little things can go a long way.
it irritates me that we use gifts as bargaining tools in this society. we do not give just to give; rather, we give with the expectation of receiving. when did this start? has it always been this way? i am not saying that we must all become altruists, but there is such a thing as sharing the wealth. if anything, do it because it brings you happiness to see someone else happy; do it because you know that another person really needed your help but couldn't ask for it; do it because it brings you peace to be a part of a community.
have you ever seen the movie, or read the book, "pay it forward" (catherine ryan hides, 2000)? it involves a young boy's design for ever-reaching understanding and generosity by doing three good things for other people and asking each person that you help to do the same (and so on). i think that this is closer to altruism, but still balanced with some personal benefit: the knowledge that your "good deeds" are passed on and many benefit from your kindness.
this concept of paying it forward was actually documented in a letter from benjamin franklin to bejamin webb dated april 22, 1784, which read:
i do not pretend to give such a sum; i only lend it to you. when you [...] meet with another honest man in similar distress, you must pay me by lending this sum to him; enjoining him to discharge the debt by a like operation, when he shall be able, and shall meet with another opportunity. i hope it may thus go thro' many hands, before it meets with a knave that will stop its progress. this is a trick of mine for doing a deal of good with a little money.
i wish that we could all remember this type of philosophy from time to time. even doing it when the thought randomly comes to mind, as opposed to every day, is still a great gift to the world. plus, the immediate payment typically involves a warm smile, or hug, or words, and possibly - if you believe - some good karma.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
fear of things we cannot control
it must be come characteristic of being human, that we should fear things that we cannot control. at some point or another, i am sure that everyone has been afraid of something that is completely out of their control, namely the reaction of another person to something that they have said or done.
why? if you cannot control someone else, then you cannot expect anything from them. without expectations there should be no fear - only freedom. now, obviously this is a bold statement to be making, and i don't always live by it. but, in truth, if we cannot control how someone else feels then why do we worry so much about it? i have to clarify that i am talking about when we worry that someone else will not like us if we say that we didn't care for the jokes they told, of the friend that they introduced us to at a party, or their strange parents, or even the spaghetti recipe that they made last weekend. i am NOT referring to the reaction of someone else if we lie to them, or cheat on them, or betray their trust. we should be concerned about how the other person(s) would feel, because that is part of what keeps us from doing hurtful things to them in the first place. i may have to put this into context:
i've been having conversations with one of my roommates about how she feels that something is amiss with her boyfriend but when she asks, he says that nothing is wrong. she was afraid that if she tried to talk to him about it that she might aggravate something and make him break up with her. she thought that maybe he would be upset if she brought it up again. she worried that she would seem like she didn't trust him, or come across as though she wasn't enjoying his company. i told her that the only advice that i could offer her was to be honest with him about how she was feeling, and own all of her emotions.
she ended up having a long conversation with him, and although it didn't resolve everything that she was feeling, it did shed some light on the situation because when she told him how she was feeling, he told her how he was feeling. she got to get some things off her chest, and she got him to open up like she was hoping he would. so, why are we afraid of just saying what is going on?
why? if you cannot control someone else, then you cannot expect anything from them. without expectations there should be no fear - only freedom. now, obviously this is a bold statement to be making, and i don't always live by it. but, in truth, if we cannot control how someone else feels then why do we worry so much about it? i have to clarify that i am talking about when we worry that someone else will not like us if we say that we didn't care for the jokes they told, of the friend that they introduced us to at a party, or their strange parents, or even the spaghetti recipe that they made last weekend. i am NOT referring to the reaction of someone else if we lie to them, or cheat on them, or betray their trust. we should be concerned about how the other person(s) would feel, because that is part of what keeps us from doing hurtful things to them in the first place. i may have to put this into context:
i've been having conversations with one of my roommates about how she feels that something is amiss with her boyfriend but when she asks, he says that nothing is wrong. she was afraid that if she tried to talk to him about it that she might aggravate something and make him break up with her. she thought that maybe he would be upset if she brought it up again. she worried that she would seem like she didn't trust him, or come across as though she wasn't enjoying his company. i told her that the only advice that i could offer her was to be honest with him about how she was feeling, and own all of her emotions.
she ended up having a long conversation with him, and although it didn't resolve everything that she was feeling, it did shed some light on the situation because when she told him how she was feeling, he told her how he was feeling. she got to get some things off her chest, and she got him to open up like she was hoping he would. so, why are we afraid of just saying what is going on?
Sunday, May 25, 2008
the world i know
the world i know by collective soul
has our conscience shown?
has the sweet breeze blown?
has all kindness gone?
hope still lingers on.
i drink myself of newfound pity
sitting along in new york city
and i don't know why
are we listening to hymns of offering?
have we eyes to see that love is gathering?
all the words that i've been reading
have now started the act of bleeding into one
so i walk up on high
and i step to the edge
to see my world below
and i laugh at myself
as the tears roll down
cause it's the world i know
it's the world i know
has our conscience shown?
has the sweet breeze blown?
has all kindness gone?
hope still lingers on.
i drink myself of newfound pity
sitting along in new york city
and i don't know why
are we listening to hymns of offering?
have we eyes to see that love is gathering?
all the words that i've been reading
have now started the act of bleeding into one
so i walk up on high
and i step to the edge
to see my world below
and i laugh at myself
as the tears roll down
cause it's the world i know
it's the world i know
Saturday, May 24, 2008
brain storm
when was the last time i had a moment of complete and utter tranquility? when my mind was still and the only thing that persisted was the constant lub dub of my beating heart and the intermittant rush hush of my gentle breath. my mind has been filled with thoughts every moment. i've been running on autopilot with the radio blaring. i don't escape them, except in sleep, and that is only after the exhaustion drugs me up enough to dull the mangled noises to a low static hum.
do you ever wonder what it would sound like to listen to all your thoughts at once? people would probably think i was literally psychotic. i have conversations with myself about pros and cons. sometimes i sing to myself. sometimes i yell at myself. sometimes i yell at other people. i always found meditation difficult because i would struggle so much to put all my mental calls on hold. too many things to say or think or do, i always felt like i needed to be processing something.
even now, there is self-ridicule for "wasting" time. can time be wasted? i mean, it is immaterial and belongs to no one. it cannot be stopped, or rewound, or replayed; it is not available on dvd. a friend of mine told me that i should not be in such a rush to do things: "it wouldn't be the end of the world if you didn't have a plan," he said. no, it wouldn't. but, there are things that i want to do. so many things, actually. i just want to get it all in, while i can enjoy it, and while i can remember it, and while i can share it with some of the people i love. because, the fickle thing about time is that it brings 'presents' that you don't get the option of returning. this is a final sale.
so, i am always planning and replanning, and thinking and rethinking, so that i can figure out a way to get it all in. sometimes i feel like the hours slip away from me. i love the statement, "i don't know where the day has disappeared to"; i use it often. there are evenings when i sit and wonder whether i actually got all 24 hours that day. it's not like i'm keeping track, but i'd like to think i'm getting my part of the time share. i know i said that i was going to consciously try to be whatever i am. i'm guessing that includes being a 3/8 perfectionist, 1/4 worry-wart, 1/8 mama bear, 1/16 total spazz, 1/8 sugar and spice, and 1/16 child of the universe. my personal recipe for twenty-something girl without a clue how to live carefree and content.
don't get me wrong, i get to be happy sometimes; but, i've been finding those times don't last that long. another phase, perhaps.
do you ever wonder what it would sound like to listen to all your thoughts at once? people would probably think i was literally psychotic. i have conversations with myself about pros and cons. sometimes i sing to myself. sometimes i yell at myself. sometimes i yell at other people. i always found meditation difficult because i would struggle so much to put all my mental calls on hold. too many things to say or think or do, i always felt like i needed to be processing something.
even now, there is self-ridicule for "wasting" time. can time be wasted? i mean, it is immaterial and belongs to no one. it cannot be stopped, or rewound, or replayed; it is not available on dvd. a friend of mine told me that i should not be in such a rush to do things: "it wouldn't be the end of the world if you didn't have a plan," he said. no, it wouldn't. but, there are things that i want to do. so many things, actually. i just want to get it all in, while i can enjoy it, and while i can remember it, and while i can share it with some of the people i love. because, the fickle thing about time is that it brings 'presents' that you don't get the option of returning. this is a final sale.
so, i am always planning and replanning, and thinking and rethinking, so that i can figure out a way to get it all in. sometimes i feel like the hours slip away from me. i love the statement, "i don't know where the day has disappeared to"; i use it often. there are evenings when i sit and wonder whether i actually got all 24 hours that day. it's not like i'm keeping track, but i'd like to think i'm getting my part of the time share. i know i said that i was going to consciously try to be whatever i am. i'm guessing that includes being a 3/8 perfectionist, 1/4 worry-wart, 1/8 mama bear, 1/16 total spazz, 1/8 sugar and spice, and 1/16 child of the universe. my personal recipe for twenty-something girl without a clue how to live carefree and content.
don't get me wrong, i get to be happy sometimes; but, i've been finding those times don't last that long. another phase, perhaps.
to be a caretaker
last night i had a warm dream, that left me feeling happy albeit slightly empty or wanting at the same time.
~
i was among old friends in a home that was beginning to become familiar to me. we sat in the living room, and one of the women that was there held a baby. within her arms the child was fussing and wimpering, but not out of hunger or wetness, but out of fatigue. (sidenote: do you ever notice how grumpy or fussy we get, even as adults, when we are tired and cannot get to sleep for whatever reason?) i asked her if i could try to calm the baby, and she willingly relinquished her to my open arms.
i stood with the little girl, basically lying in my arms, with her face against my chest, and i swayed gently back and forth. then i began singing to her, "both sides now" by joni mitchell, and i softly stroked her eyebrows. she quieted and eventually fell asleep in my arms. i gave her up to the other woman, who took her upstairs to let her sleep in a bassinette.
then, i turned around, and in the other room he was standing there. i walked into his embrace, and we stood silently for a long while. then we cried and laughed and hugged once more, and rejoined the group in the living room.
~
i've missed being around children. one of my biggest regrets is that i was not able to be around more often while my two young cousins were growing up. given, the living situation, with them in michigan and then indiana, did not make it inherently easy to see them. but still, i wish i had been able to witness more of their young lives. they are almost 7 and 9 years old, and i am still only seeing them once or twice a year (when i'm lucky).
i'll be excited to have my own children. i've told many people that despite wanting to be a doctor, the most fulfilling job in my life would be a mother. i would be heartbroken if i couldn't have my own children, but i would adopt. i just want to take care of someone. i miss giving love in that way.
~
i was among old friends in a home that was beginning to become familiar to me. we sat in the living room, and one of the women that was there held a baby. within her arms the child was fussing and wimpering, but not out of hunger or wetness, but out of fatigue. (sidenote: do you ever notice how grumpy or fussy we get, even as adults, when we are tired and cannot get to sleep for whatever reason?) i asked her if i could try to calm the baby, and she willingly relinquished her to my open arms.
i stood with the little girl, basically lying in my arms, with her face against my chest, and i swayed gently back and forth. then i began singing to her, "both sides now" by joni mitchell, and i softly stroked her eyebrows. she quieted and eventually fell asleep in my arms. i gave her up to the other woman, who took her upstairs to let her sleep in a bassinette.
then, i turned around, and in the other room he was standing there. i walked into his embrace, and we stood silently for a long while. then we cried and laughed and hugged once more, and rejoined the group in the living room.
~
i've missed being around children. one of my biggest regrets is that i was not able to be around more often while my two young cousins were growing up. given, the living situation, with them in michigan and then indiana, did not make it inherently easy to see them. but still, i wish i had been able to witness more of their young lives. they are almost 7 and 9 years old, and i am still only seeing them once or twice a year (when i'm lucky).
i'll be excited to have my own children. i've told many people that despite wanting to be a doctor, the most fulfilling job in my life would be a mother. i would be heartbroken if i couldn't have my own children, but i would adopt. i just want to take care of someone. i miss giving love in that way.
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