have i been here before?

lately i've been feeling this sense of repeat. it is not deja vu; rather, it's the feeling that i've been at a crossroad like this before. both had to do with school.

when i went back for an extra semester of high school it was to get the last three credits i needed to apply for university. what that year actually did was: a) do the former; b) help me really establish in my mind where i would feel most comfortable going to university; c) allow me to make more money to be used to support myself while i wasn't working; and most importantly, d) develop some very important relationships, especially one in particular. i consider this last one to be most important because i know that some things in life cannot be explained, just felt. some of our most essential lessons come from words and actions, not books and classrooms. i learned a great deal about myself because of that relationship, and i changed, too. i will never take that opportunity for granted.

at this point in my life i am feeling that same sense of waiting. i'm so ready to move forward, to apply to medical school. if i wasn't sure that that was what i wanted, i'm 100% convinced now. but, i think the importance of the next two years is not the preparation for the future but the learning and changing in the moment. i'm exhilarated by the prospect.

on a different note, i'm becoming aware of how manipulative we can be of one another when in trusting relationships. we sometimes forget that we influence our friends and family and loved ones just with the words we say and the way we say them. this may not make complete sense. but, this thought arose while reading passages from the book, "slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment". the book is a posthumous publication of the diary of a girl/woman as she struggled through ten years with anorexia, with narration by her father.

i was surprised to read about the way jenny's psychiatrist made her feel and think about herself. admittedly, i basically have no background in psychology to speak of; however, i don't think that separating behaviours into different "selfs" is appropriate. for example, "good jenny" is the one that eats all her meals and is quiet, obedient, and well-mannered. "bad jenny" is the anorexic, and she is selfish, whiny, and needy. after this, jenny seems to more desperately rage within herself, feeling that there are two sides of her that must battle. wouldn't it be better to identify as one person that is dealing with inappropriate coping mechanisms? wouldn't it be better for her therapist to support the idea that every day - even during symptomatic periods - jenny is good, but identify when jenny's behaviours are not healthy?

this is just one of those times when i wish people could just think my thoughts to understand what i mean. whether i can explain my thoughts about this book or not, i'm learning from it.

my mind is running, but my body isn't

one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have is laziness. yet, i find i fall into periods of idleness again and again. this tends to occur in the summer, or during times when the number of activities on my agenda is low. i thrive on a full life, a busy life. i'm the kind of person who gets things done when i have no time. i find time. i make time.

a friend wrote to me recently, and cited as her reason for her late reply to my initial contact, "when i have nothing to do, i do nothing." i completely relate. although i know that i am highly motivated, extremely driven, and enjoy taking initiative, i lack a sense of urgency when i have too much time. the boredom that results from my inactivity is exhausting, and somewhat irritating. mostly, the irritation is directed at myself for not finding more stimulating activities. but, the positive thing to come out of all of this: a revelation. should i come into money, by inheritance, or luck of the draw, i could never quit my job or take long leaves. i would never do anything.