thanks captain

i hope everyone has someone in their lives like my friend captain. i don't know why but he has this ability to make me feel so reassured about who i am without blowing my head up with compliments or other flattery. we talk so non-phony to one another, about anything and everything, and he really comes across as someone that just shares a wavelength with me.

i can't describe the awesomeness that was the feeling when he resounded his support of my studying mental health. it makes me even more excited about it than i was before. it's just so comforting to have friends in your life that are so completely behind you, or so brutally honest with you when they don't agree.

so, thank you to captain for stopping by today and having such an incredible visit.

whose illusions are you living?

barack obama, in his book, the audacity of hope, wrote something that struck quite a cord with me. it was this:

~

In this slow, fitful process of sorting out what I belived, I began silently registering the point in dorm room conversations when my college friends and I stopped thinking and slipped into cant: the point at which the denunciations of capitalism or American imperialism came too easily, and the freedom from the constraints of monogamy or religion was proclaimed without fully understanding the value of such constraints, and the role of victim was too readily embraced as a means of shedding responsibility, or asserting entitlement, or claiming moral superiority over those not so victimized.

~

i wonder whether this is a natural phenomenon for every college aged person, to go through this process of questioning beliefs until the point at which he or she falls into some kind of idealistic martyrdom. i know that i myself am guilty of embracing the role of victim. i've seen others do the same. particularly striking to me was the point about proclaiming a freedom from constraints "without fully understanding the value of such constraints" because i've witnessed that, too.

i think it's so foolish of us to believe that generations before us have not also questioned those same authorities that we question, and broken those same rules that we wish to break. i, being a creature of habit and routine, i like order and i like rules. i don't find that constraints hold me back, but rather illuminate the line past which i might hurt another person. therefore, i can be and do so many things that are completely fulfilling, and i don't risk damaging any of my relationships, with people or with god.

i admit, there are times when i do question the current doctrine, such as laws against gay marriage. but, there are certain simple truths that i don't think can be argued.

hard lesson learned

have you ever wished you could close your eyes and then open them again to find the world magically changed? perhaps you wish that someone that has died is alive again, or someone that was sick is now well. perhaps, like me, you wish you just felt differently.

it really feels so ridiculous. i got what i thought i wanted and now i wish i hadn't done anything. i thought i wanted peace. i thought i wanted closure. but i didn't want to actually know that he was happy without me. it's not that i don't want him to be happy, but i am overcome with childish questions: why wasn't he happy like that with me? why couldn't i help him find his way? was i not enough? would it have been different if i had sacrificed more, moved? why wasn't i what he needed?

i can't get over how pathetic this all is. how sad that a girl be blubbering over her ex-boyfriend's current state of wholeness. i should be proud of him, and i am. i should be relieved for his parents -who worried about him - and i am. i should be grateful that he is in a better position to renew friendships and familial relationships that might have been hindered before, and i am. but, i can't help but be self-pitying. again, i say, pathetic.

does everyone glorify their first love this way? does everyone have to endure that tireless wondering of what could have been done differently to make that relationship work forever? i'd really like to know. maybe there would be some comfort in that. maybe i could heal a little faster knowing that everyone goes through this. i'd really love someone to sweep into my life and make all the emptiness go away. the emptiness that i thought only he could fill. what i sucker i am.

yeah, what a doozy. a clusterfuck, for sure.

the people you meet on the train

i've never been that good at picking up conversation with strangers, especially on public transport. an old friend of mine had an amazing talent for it. i think he told me about conversations with strangers after almost every single trip he took. but, i like to associate that ability with his gift for reading people. i always thought that it would make him an incredibly counsellor or psychologist. anyways, rare occasions when i have gotten into discussions with strangers, it is usually not me that starts them. that was the case today.

it started with him reading my list of "things to do" over my shoulder.

usually this irritates me. i am especially uncomfortable when strangers see what i am writing. not that my life is some top secret adventure or anything, but i like to think that my thoughts, and my writings, can stay private unless i choose to share them. i think what spurred this particular gentleman to read what i was writing was his sheer boredom. as i would find out, he had boarded the train in sarnia (obviously at some ungodly hour, considering i got on in london at 8:14am). the point he commented on was: research - med school applications.

now, as you might know if you've read my previous two posts, i've decided to defer my application for a year or two. this particular "research" involves finding out what kind of references i will need, which i should consider trying to get this year. i figure i should look into this now, because once school starts this will be one of the furthest things from my mind. at any rate, he opened with, "so you're applying to medical school?"

i'm pretty sure he picked up on the med school line of the many written down, because he himself is a doctor. an american doctor. it was really interesting to get into a discussion about what he studied, how his path went from pediatrics to clinical geneticist, how his wife is also a doctor (oncologist), and what he thought was important to get into school and know before you start down that road. we talked about how he enjoyed coming to canada, especially the east coast, and montreal and quebec city. we even transitioned into a discussion of american politics, and his own eye-witness accounts of how far to the wayside some american cities have fallen.

he said he is not a bush fan, and believes that barack obama should win the election. he ended up explaining some of the finer details of the democratic electoral process in the u.s. and cleared up some questions i had. he thought that john kerry should have chosen former general wesley clark as his vp running mate, although he doesn't see how that could be of any particular advantage for obama now. he thinks gore would make an excellent secretary of state, and that the former govenor of indiana (or the man whose father was a govenor of indiana) might be a good choice for running mate for obama. he told me that he thinks we've got a good chance of seeing a black president next year because obama is already leading by 4 or 5 points in voting surveys, even without taking into consideration that most of the voting pool is taken from previously active voter lists. according to the mystery doctor on train 84, the black vote, the young vote, and the general vote will be mobilized in this election as never before in history.

he asked me whether many people i know are as informed as i am about politics. i could only think of one - even more informed than myself, although his time is more largely devoted to canadian politics and government. but, i can't deny how incredibly impressed i was that this man, this american doctor, father of one, travelling from lansing, michigan, to montreal for a week-long genetics conference, was so friendly and well-informed.

it was quite a pleasant trip this morning, made shorter - it seemed - by a happenstance conversation with a stranger.

maybe we all need help?

tonight, for the first time in what seems like a long time i had to cry. the kind of cry that makes you feel like a child again, and you're facing the monsters under your bed or the demons of the darkness. i sat on the bathroom floor, in the basement, knees hugged close into my chest, and just let it rake through me. i have avoided crying lately. i tend to think it is because i see it as a girly thing to do when you get upset or sad. when i've been emotional i usually become reclusive, or silent, or just indifferent, until the moment or issue subsides. but, it's been building for a while. this cry was a wash of so many emotions.

it started with my mom. i've been at home for the past couple of days, but home referring more to the house than to the feeling i get when i'm here. i haven't actually spent that much time with my mother this weekend. we met in stratford to see romeo and juliet at the festival theatre. after having dinner together at a roadside diner, we drove home. saturday, sunday, and today were spent mostly at the church, helping to prepare for and run an annual festival that we celebrate in honour of our lady of freedom. but, tonight my sister and i and my mom went to my nonna's for dinner and the drive home changed from overcast to stormy.

my mom doesn't like giving my sister too many privileges with the vehicle. i can't completely blame her, because my sister usually ends up spending more time with it than she originally asks my mom for, and rarely if ever buys gas. my sister asked my mom to borrow it for tomorrow night just as we were getting ready to leave my nonna's house - that was the cloud above our heads.

one thing that really irritates my mom is back seat driving. i admit that i hate it, too; but, i don't usually comment on anything but her speed. she tends to have a heavy foot, and regularly speeds - nothing too excessive, but speeding nonetheless. so tonight, when i asked her to slow down, her response was to speed up so that she was travelling 70 kph in a 50 zone. at a major intersection that followed, we had to turn left. as it came to our turn, a woman on rollerblades approached the road. my mom turned almost into her and had to make the turn wide into the far lane of the two lane street, in order to avoid contact. both my sister and i were surprised at her actions and vocalised the fact that we thought she shouldn't have turned, and would have found the driver to be lacking had she been in the woman's position. this enraged my mother because she proceeded to swerve the vehicle to the side of the road, inform us that she was walking the rest of the way home, and walk out across three lanes to the other sidewalk. i drove us the rest of the way, which was only about a minute and a half.

upon her arrival at home i confronted her about the driving. i told her that i felt it was better that she got out of the car because she wasn't in a suitable position to drive. i don't like pushing peoples' buttons, and i didn't comment on her driving to do that. we yelled a bit and she went to bed because she has to get up at 5am to work tomorrow. that is when i went to the basement and cried.

but, the tears turned into a cleansing for so many other things on my mind. the first was confronting how studying mental health is important to me so that i can deal more effectively with my own communication and coping skills.

after learning about my friend's silent struggle with her addiction, i had to face the reality that i use a substance to deal with emotion in my life. my substance in food. in a distorted way i figure that it is the healthiest substance to use. my body needs food anyways. it hasn't hurt me so far. i mean, i'm not anorexic - i like eating too much to stop doing it. i'm not bulemic - i hate throwing up. i binge. i manage my weight so that my food binges haven't caused extreme obesity, but i can't deny that i still struggle with my own body image.

i eat for some feeling of satiety. but it doesn't come. i can fill myself with whatever i have to snack on at the time, but i don't feel any less empty. i know it's not about being hungry, because when i can, i eat at night when no one is around. i don't like people watching, or even knowing that i am eating, because i don't want them to think i am a pig. ridiculous. it makes me sad thinking about it. although i don't binge often, and sometimes the "binge" isn't as excessive as you might imagine (it might only be having two full servings of dinner instead of the one that i needed, or eating a whole bunch of cheese and fruit and crackers while i'm watching mindless tv), i know it's not a good relationship to have with food. i'd like to think that the fact that i recognize that it's not good is half the battle. at least i'm not in denial.

speaking of denial, that was the third thing i cried about tonight. i've been avoiding dealing with the pain i'm still feeling from my break-up with my boyfriend. i think the reason it's difficult for me to face is because i think i should be over it by now, and that i should be moving on with other things in my life. he has, apparently. but, i still miss him and i still love him, and i am having trouble dealing with those two facts. as much as it was easier not to talk to him initially, because it prevented me from getting worked up over things he might say, i am struggling now with the desire to start talking to him again. i fear the outcome of doing so. he might have held on to some kind of anger towards me for cutting our ties so abruptly. if i tried to contact him he might ignore me altogether, or vehemently oppose having anything to do with me because i deserted him. he could still be hurt by what i did, and not forgive me, and thus also refuse to let me be a part of his life.

thoughts of him have been tormenting. i hear that first loves are the most difficult to let go of. i think it's because we tend to glorify them, and put them on a pedestal. people, places, and objects have been reminding me of thoughtful things he did or said to me. even sitting on the floor crying made me recall times when i needed his comfort and i just threw myself into his arms and let everything else get blocked out. i really miss having someone to get lost in, who can get lost in me. it's lonely without him. he was my best friend for that time. the person who knew what was going on in every aspect of my life. the weight of so much bearing down on me tonight made me wish that he was still someone i could call to talk to about it all.

but, instead i just sat, alone on the bathroom floor, and just let it out behind closed doors. and after, i wrote this. the act of writing it out is therapeutic in itself. but, the computer screen can't smile at me, or give me a reassuring hug. yet still, despite my loneliness, and my admitted need for consolation, i refuse to tell the people around me too much. i don't want to put my problems on them, but more i want to figure out how to help myself.

i am not an island, though sometimes i am sure i think i am.

i did it my way

not that i usually enjoy quoting cheesy crooner's song lyrics, i couldn't help but do so this time being that the statement was so fitting. however, it is the wrong tense. i will do it my way is more appropriate. this refers to my path to becoming a doctor.


in the past few weeks i have had so many, almost tormenting, thoughts about what to do in the next couple of months and next couple of years. in truth, my confidence in my decisions has waned, and i've wavered in my choices on several occasions. mostly, i second guess myself when i hear about what other people are doing, or have done.


for example, my neighbour is moving to ottawa, to go to the medical school there. she applied, interviewed at, and was accepted into the programs at BOTH the university of ottawa and macmaster. she didn't even bother writing her mcats. my mom, once she found out, immediately started asking me whether i was going to apply to those two schools this year. i haven't decided yet, i replied.


but, i know deep in my heart that going to macmaster or ottawa is not really what i want. right now i want a change, hopefully involving some travel, and personal exploration. more and more a particular option is appealing to me, and as i flirt with the possibilities, i am finding myself becoming increasingly agreeable to one particular prospect.


i want to study mental health. having been volunteering with one of the campus organization this year, i have been exposed to the power of listening. our director opened our core training session with an unsourced quote: you can listen a person's soul into existence. in so many ways i have seen the evidence of this phenomenon. upon deeper reflection, i acknowledge how much this experience has made a difference in my own life. i feel as though i have been able to open up more to others and unburden my mind from time to time of the frivolous worries and anxieties that plague my daily life.


i've been looking into the diploma programs around canada. many of the programs are found at colleges either in smaller towns in more northern ontario, or toward both coasts. i'm feeling the tug towards small town life again. i had it once, when i decided to go to guelph, but even guelph has become too big for me. it's the silliest little dream actually - the world i imagine sometimes. there's the farmhouse with a huge porch and a swing seat, a huge tree at the front with a swing, and wheat fields that go as far as you can see. i like the idea of the family owned corner store, the one bank, the one high school, and the annual county fair. but, there is time - i can't let that desire rule my decisions about where my education will take me. i'm trying to leave myself open to new experiences and possibility. all i know right now is that this feels "right" at this moment, so that is what i am going to do.