incongruent

i should have already become accustomed to reality not matching my plans. this past year has been somewhat of a slap in the face, as if the universe is telling me, "it's not your time." i used to feel privileged in the way things fell into place for me. i worked hard, but there was also an element of fortune or fate or something that helped push me in directions i truly desired to follow.

the past twenty-four hours have not been such a wonderful experience. firstly, i got my MCAT scores back. although i was trying to be hopefully optimistic, i considered that a dose of pragmatism was necessary while i pondered the possible outcome. but, my score was simply not good enough. there is no way that i could expect to apply to medical schools and make any sort of impact. immediately i searched for another date to write, another opportunity to get the piece of the puzzle i needed to go on. no such luck. every sitting of the exam basically from now until the last date in september that i could have written is completely booked everywhere in ontario. that means that i won't be applying this year.

i called my family in london to let them know, and i was pleasantly surprised by the support that i got. i had already discussed possibly doing a masters program involving ankylosing spondylitis if possible. my mom brought up midwifery, which would be a valuable alternative method of delivery i could offer patients in the future if i did become a family doctor. overall, i wasn't that upset about the score, more a little weighted witht the new decisions i have to make because of it.

then, on top of the score reveal, i had an appointment with the sports doctor. i had been having ankle pain while training for the past two months, and i had received athletic therapy. this did not solve the problem, so i was sent for x-rays and a ct scan. yesterday was the follow up appointment. she told me basically that there are some small bone fragments at the back of my ankle and one of the bones is slightly abnormal in shape. she wrote me a referral for orthodics and a surgical consult. it felt like so much information at the time that i almost wanted to cry to let out my building anxiety and frustration. i'm glad that i know what is causing my pain, but i was really hoping that it could be more easily resolved than with surgery.

right now my training and participation in varsity sport is up in the air. there are many unknowns. if it comes down to the possibility of long term pain and disability if i continue, then this may be the end of the road. but, who is to say? apparently the surgeon in hamilton that i am now trying to see.

this is not precisely the way i was hoping my summer would turn out, but i am certain it could be worse. so, i am grateful for the fact that i am still basically healthy and generally happy. i am also very grateful for the love of my friends and family.