to the ones i no longer know

i don't think that we make friends with any plans in mind about how long we will know them or how well they will know us. we don't set out a list of names of our lifelong buddies and assume that everyone else fits into the category of "suits a purpose". however, i think most of us understand that not every best friend from kindergarten will be there when we graduate from university, and not every little league teammate will see us fall in love for the last time. in other words i think we all know that some people come into our lives and remain a part of our meandering journey while others are just passersby.

i've been somewhat sad recently thinking about some of the people that i knew well at one point who have now become strangers to me: girls that i got to know when i was in grade 1 and 2 at my first elementary school; a boy, jordan, from my childhood who had mental and physical handicaps and who happened to be one of the most brutally honest and beautiful people i have ever met; teachers that i befriended, especially my french teacher in grade 5, mrs. erickson; guys that i met in grade 7, who had so much to learn about themselves but who were enjoying - or at least making the most of - their social awkwardness.

more than anything i regret the few times that i made promises of friendship that have now dissipated into whispers of the past. i suppose you can't really know how the world will turn out when you pledge unfailing loyalty to your best friend at 13, but i should have known better when i was 19. i told yazan that i wouldn't be one of those people that walked out of his life. i promised him that i wasn't the kind of person that shut someone out of my life. i broke my promise to him, and coincidentally eaten my words in a separate but equally distressing situation.

why does this happen? why are we able to feel so connected to some people and then find ourselves with nothing in common a short few years later? i'm sorry to the people i have lost contact with. i am sorry to all of the friends that i told i would always be there for. i'm most sorry to my first love that i wasn't open enough to feel all of the emotions involved in our changing relationship. i never meant to hurt any one of you. i did love you all, each in your own right, in my own way. i suppose it was just the wind that took us in different directions. i hope you're all well.