listlessness

there is a listlessness about me right now that i cannot seem to shake. i haven't been able to concentrate well on anything these past few weeks. even when i make plans to do things i have trouble following through. instead i spend countless hours letting the multicoloured waves of television dreamland wash over me, or searching the internet for other peoples' stories.

where did my fire go to? where did my thirst disappear to? where is my spark? i'm sure it is burried underneath the layers of boredom and disappointment, somewhere. this summer has been a pool of confusion for me. i've been hot and cold. i've been lost and found. but, right now i'm just looking for the middle way.

during the year i really do try to find the balance between work and play. now, my idea of play is a little more mellow than other people i know. but, i make the effort nonetheless. every other summer i have had the monday to friday job and social engagements on evenings and weekends. right now, my dream summer of no work and all play has led to an unexpected unhappiness. i am lonely. i am sad. things like this are no fun unless you have someone to share it with. and i don't. all of my roommates are working, as are my sisters, and my best friends.

i don't quite understand why i am having such trouble with being alone. i mean, i grew up having very few close friends or friends at all. when class is in session i spend much of my time alone, in class, studying, and relaxing even. i would have expected that i would have found more peace this summer. i thought i would have read more books, written more poetry, and gone for more walks. there are many things that i typically enjoy doing alone that i have not wanted to do alone. but maybe i'm not meant to understand it right now. maybe it's a phase i cannot assess. you got me.