to be a caretaker

last night i had a warm dream, that left me feeling happy albeit slightly empty or wanting at the same time.

~

i was among old friends in a home that was beginning to become familiar to me. we sat in the living room, and one of the women that was there held a baby. within her arms the child was fussing and wimpering, but not out of hunger or wetness, but out of fatigue. (sidenote: do you ever notice how grumpy or fussy we get, even as adults, when we are tired and cannot get to sleep for whatever reason?) i asked her if i could try to calm the baby, and she willingly relinquished her to my open arms.

i stood with the little girl, basically lying in my arms, with her face against my chest, and i swayed gently back and forth. then i began singing to her, "both sides now" by joni mitchell, and i softly stroked her eyebrows. she quieted and eventually fell asleep in my arms. i gave her up to the other woman, who took her upstairs to let her sleep in a bassinette.

then, i turned around, and in the other room he was standing there. i walked into his embrace, and we stood silently for a long while. then we cried and laughed and hugged once more, and rejoined the group in the living room.

~

i've missed being around children. one of my biggest regrets is that i was not able to be around more often while my two young cousins were growing up. given, the living situation, with them in michigan and then indiana, did not make it inherently easy to see them. but still, i wish i had been able to witness more of their young lives. they are almost 7 and 9 years old, and i am still only seeing them once or twice a year (when i'm lucky).

i'll be excited to have my own children. i've told many people that despite wanting to be a doctor, the most fulfilling job in my life would be a mother. i would be heartbroken if i couldn't have my own children, but i would adopt. i just want to take care of someone. i miss giving love in that way.