it's amazing to me how people in our lives can be so dear to us, and yet strangers at the same time. well, maybe strangers is too strong for this particular situation. but, the sentiment is the same.
i found out last night that one of my best friends was struggling with an addiction. as much as i thought that i knew her, and as much as we confided in one another, she battled it right before my eyes and i had no idea. i'm relieved to know that she got help elsewhere, that she saught support from a campus discussion group. but, at the same time it pains me to know that something could have happened to her and i would have had no clue as to why.
as much as i feel pained by the knowledge that so many of my friends are dealing with really negative things in their lives right now, it is not a burden for me that i should be one of the people that they trust enough to confide in. the burden of guilt would be so much greater, if something were to happen and i felt that i could have done more to help them. of course, i cannot take responsibility for their actions, especially if they choose to hurt themselves. but, i don't want to be the person that holds back a word, or gesture, or something that another person needs. i hope to one day be able to give unabashedly and uninhibitedly to everyone in my life.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
listlessness
there is a listlessness about me right now that i cannot seem to shake. i haven't been able to concentrate well on anything these past few weeks. even when i make plans to do things i have trouble following through. instead i spend countless hours letting the multicoloured waves of television dreamland wash over me, or searching the internet for other peoples' stories.
where did my fire go to? where did my thirst disappear to? where is my spark? i'm sure it is burried underneath the layers of boredom and disappointment, somewhere. this summer has been a pool of confusion for me. i've been hot and cold. i've been lost and found. but, right now i'm just looking for the middle way.
during the year i really do try to find the balance between work and play. now, my idea of play is a little more mellow than other people i know. but, i make the effort nonetheless. every other summer i have had the monday to friday job and social engagements on evenings and weekends. right now, my dream summer of no work and all play has led to an unexpected unhappiness. i am lonely. i am sad. things like this are no fun unless you have someone to share it with. and i don't. all of my roommates are working, as are my sisters, and my best friends.
i don't quite understand why i am having such trouble with being alone. i mean, i grew up having very few close friends or friends at all. when class is in session i spend much of my time alone, in class, studying, and relaxing even. i would have expected that i would have found more peace this summer. i thought i would have read more books, written more poetry, and gone for more walks. there are many things that i typically enjoy doing alone that i have not wanted to do alone. but maybe i'm not meant to understand it right now. maybe it's a phase i cannot assess. you got me.
where did my fire go to? where did my thirst disappear to? where is my spark? i'm sure it is burried underneath the layers of boredom and disappointment, somewhere. this summer has been a pool of confusion for me. i've been hot and cold. i've been lost and found. but, right now i'm just looking for the middle way.
during the year i really do try to find the balance between work and play. now, my idea of play is a little more mellow than other people i know. but, i make the effort nonetheless. every other summer i have had the monday to friday job and social engagements on evenings and weekends. right now, my dream summer of no work and all play has led to an unexpected unhappiness. i am lonely. i am sad. things like this are no fun unless you have someone to share it with. and i don't. all of my roommates are working, as are my sisters, and my best friends.
i don't quite understand why i am having such trouble with being alone. i mean, i grew up having very few close friends or friends at all. when class is in session i spend much of my time alone, in class, studying, and relaxing even. i would have expected that i would have found more peace this summer. i thought i would have read more books, written more poetry, and gone for more walks. there are many things that i typically enjoy doing alone that i have not wanted to do alone. but maybe i'm not meant to understand it right now. maybe it's a phase i cannot assess. you got me.
Monday, July 28, 2008
why so sad?
why are there so many people hurting in my life? many of my friends are dealing with shockingly painful pasts or presents. i don't envy any of them, but i would take it upon myself to lighten their load for a time if i thought that i could.
one friend is estranged from her father, and hasn't been spokento by her brother in 7 years. her mother is a serial dater who has believed 5 different men have been "the one" on separate occasions over the last six months. she just found out recently that her endometriosis may progress soon to the point where she is no longer capable of bearing her own children. her good friend has relapsed to use of crack cocaine. and on top of it all, the hard work she has put in this summer to make money to pay for school may have obliterated her chances of getting the osap she desperately needs to get by.
another friend is currently struggling between two coping behaviours: alcoholism and bulemia. she uses one to avoid doing the other. she continues to deal with the death of her grandmother, a woman she loved like a mother. she is facing new decisions about her education and the choice to enter into inpatient treatment for herself in the fall.
another friend has just recently recovered from mono. in addition to the overwhelming fatigue, she also suffered an injury that kept her from doing the training she needed to balance her life. she was recently involved in a break up, and is now working towards conquering her fear of being alone. her family life is artificial and she doesn't feel love form her mother. she feels lost and heartbroken, and wavers between tears and indifference.
another friend is wallowing in excess. he is concerned about his drinking and marijuana use to escape from his life. he feels burdened by the fact that his only brother is a globetrotter that ignores his family. he has recently learned that he has adhd that scores off the charts, and has been recommended to a psychologist for assessment. it makes him think he's broken or ill, and makes him doubt himself even more than he was before. he has a very cynical view of western education and democracy. he's confused about his destiny in this life, and what he might be here to do. and, he's trying to figure out why he's letting himself get hung up on a girl that hurt him.
there are many other people in my life, beyond these ones, who are also waging their own wars. some of the issues are small, and some are large. whatever they are, there are many people in my life with a cloud over their head. it seems like it has all come to head at once. as if the saying, "when it rains, it pours," really does apply to these things. i just hope that this is also the storm before the calm. i don't like seeing those i care about it pain.
one friend is estranged from her father, and hasn't been spokento by her brother in 7 years. her mother is a serial dater who has believed 5 different men have been "the one" on separate occasions over the last six months. she just found out recently that her endometriosis may progress soon to the point where she is no longer capable of bearing her own children. her good friend has relapsed to use of crack cocaine. and on top of it all, the hard work she has put in this summer to make money to pay for school may have obliterated her chances of getting the osap she desperately needs to get by.
another friend is currently struggling between two coping behaviours: alcoholism and bulemia. she uses one to avoid doing the other. she continues to deal with the death of her grandmother, a woman she loved like a mother. she is facing new decisions about her education and the choice to enter into inpatient treatment for herself in the fall.
another friend has just recently recovered from mono. in addition to the overwhelming fatigue, she also suffered an injury that kept her from doing the training she needed to balance her life. she was recently involved in a break up, and is now working towards conquering her fear of being alone. her family life is artificial and she doesn't feel love form her mother. she feels lost and heartbroken, and wavers between tears and indifference.
another friend is wallowing in excess. he is concerned about his drinking and marijuana use to escape from his life. he feels burdened by the fact that his only brother is a globetrotter that ignores his family. he has recently learned that he has adhd that scores off the charts, and has been recommended to a psychologist for assessment. it makes him think he's broken or ill, and makes him doubt himself even more than he was before. he has a very cynical view of western education and democracy. he's confused about his destiny in this life, and what he might be here to do. and, he's trying to figure out why he's letting himself get hung up on a girl that hurt him.
there are many other people in my life, beyond these ones, who are also waging their own wars. some of the issues are small, and some are large. whatever they are, there are many people in my life with a cloud over their head. it seems like it has all come to head at once. as if the saying, "when it rains, it pours," really does apply to these things. i just hope that this is also the storm before the calm. i don't like seeing those i care about it pain.
wings for marie by tool
oversoul by alex grey
you...
you believed...
you believed in movements none could see
you believed in me
a passionate spirit
uncompromised
boundless and open
a light in your eyes
then immobilized
broken
fell at the hands of those movements that i wouldn't see
yet it was you who prayed for me
so what have i done
to be a son to an angel?
what have i done
to be worthy?
daylight dims leaving cold fluorescence
difficult to see you in this light
please forgive this selfish question, but
what am i to say to all those ghouls tonight?
"she never told a lie
... well, might have told a lie,
but never lived one
didn't have a life
didn't have a life
but surely saved one"
see? now i'm alright
now it's time for us to let you go
Thursday, July 24, 2008
just to hear those words
every once in a while i have dreams of resolutions. mostly to do with him, but sometimes with other people in my life. the dream sets up by taking me back to where the other person and i left off: the last time we spoke. in the dream, the conflict that exists in real life is brought to a head. in many instances, all i really want to hear are things like, "i'm sorry" or "i missed you" or "i forgive you".
at one point in my life it seemed that the longer i dreamed about these fantasy resolutions, the more frequently they actually happened. but, there continues to be one person that finds his way back into my dreams without any resolution at all.
if you're reading, i am sorry for leaving you the way that i did. i miss you.
at one point in my life it seemed that the longer i dreamed about these fantasy resolutions, the more frequently they actually happened. but, there continues to be one person that finds his way back into my dreams without any resolution at all.
if you're reading, i am sorry for leaving you the way that i did. i miss you.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
need a spoon?
i have never underestimated the true value of physial contact. i was raised in a family that shared affection through hugs and kisses. in my relationship i liked showing my love through physical intimacy. this past little while, while i've been hanging out primarily in guelph with my female friends, i have been sorely missing that contact.
this past weekend one of my roommates broke up with her boyfriend. he initiated the end of their relationship, but it had been something that she had talked to me about for a little while. nevertheless, she was very upset. some of the things that she said reminded me so much of feelings that i had experienced that it brought me to tears. she brought to light a sentiment that i shared, that we felt "home" when we had been with our significant others.
after talking to her and helping her get through the first really rough patch, i found myself needing to be held. there are very few things that are as comforting as being spooned. it might sound silly, but it remains a closeness that i yearn for.
i can almost understand how loneliness can lead to one night stands or sex buddies. i miss the sensation of sleeping next to someone. i miss the feeling of waking up in someone's arms. i miss sex. but, i miss all the feelings that made sex that much better, too. i suppose i hope that people that have someone to go home to at night don't take it for granted. and, i hope that i'll be able to find it again soon.
this past weekend one of my roommates broke up with her boyfriend. he initiated the end of their relationship, but it had been something that she had talked to me about for a little while. nevertheless, she was very upset. some of the things that she said reminded me so much of feelings that i had experienced that it brought me to tears. she brought to light a sentiment that i shared, that we felt "home" when we had been with our significant others.
after talking to her and helping her get through the first really rough patch, i found myself needing to be held. there are very few things that are as comforting as being spooned. it might sound silly, but it remains a closeness that i yearn for.
i can almost understand how loneliness can lead to one night stands or sex buddies. i miss the sensation of sleeping next to someone. i miss the feeling of waking up in someone's arms. i miss sex. but, i miss all the feelings that made sex that much better, too. i suppose i hope that people that have someone to go home to at night don't take it for granted. and, i hope that i'll be able to find it again soon.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
incongruent
i should have already become accustomed to reality not matching my plans. this past year has been somewhat of a slap in the face, as if the universe is telling me, "it's not your time." i used to feel privileged in the way things fell into place for me. i worked hard, but there was also an element of fortune or fate or something that helped push me in directions i truly desired to follow.
the past twenty-four hours have not been such a wonderful experience. firstly, i got my MCAT scores back. although i was trying to be hopefully optimistic, i considered that a dose of pragmatism was necessary while i pondered the possible outcome. but, my score was simply not good enough. there is no way that i could expect to apply to medical schools and make any sort of impact. immediately i searched for another date to write, another opportunity to get the piece of the puzzle i needed to go on. no such luck. every sitting of the exam basically from now until the last date in september that i could have written is completely booked everywhere in ontario. that means that i won't be applying this year.
i called my family in london to let them know, and i was pleasantly surprised by the support that i got. i had already discussed possibly doing a masters program involving ankylosing spondylitis if possible. my mom brought up midwifery, which would be a valuable alternative method of delivery i could offer patients in the future if i did become a family doctor. overall, i wasn't that upset about the score, more a little weighted witht the new decisions i have to make because of it.
then, on top of the score reveal, i had an appointment with the sports doctor. i had been having ankle pain while training for the past two months, and i had received athletic therapy. this did not solve the problem, so i was sent for x-rays and a ct scan. yesterday was the follow up appointment. she told me basically that there are some small bone fragments at the back of my ankle and one of the bones is slightly abnormal in shape. she wrote me a referral for orthodics and a surgical consult. it felt like so much information at the time that i almost wanted to cry to let out my building anxiety and frustration. i'm glad that i know what is causing my pain, but i was really hoping that it could be more easily resolved than with surgery.
right now my training and participation in varsity sport is up in the air. there are many unknowns. if it comes down to the possibility of long term pain and disability if i continue, then this may be the end of the road. but, who is to say? apparently the surgeon in hamilton that i am now trying to see.
this is not precisely the way i was hoping my summer would turn out, but i am certain it could be worse. so, i am grateful for the fact that i am still basically healthy and generally happy. i am also very grateful for the love of my friends and family.
the past twenty-four hours have not been such a wonderful experience. firstly, i got my MCAT scores back. although i was trying to be hopefully optimistic, i considered that a dose of pragmatism was necessary while i pondered the possible outcome. but, my score was simply not good enough. there is no way that i could expect to apply to medical schools and make any sort of impact. immediately i searched for another date to write, another opportunity to get the piece of the puzzle i needed to go on. no such luck. every sitting of the exam basically from now until the last date in september that i could have written is completely booked everywhere in ontario. that means that i won't be applying this year.
i called my family in london to let them know, and i was pleasantly surprised by the support that i got. i had already discussed possibly doing a masters program involving ankylosing spondylitis if possible. my mom brought up midwifery, which would be a valuable alternative method of delivery i could offer patients in the future if i did become a family doctor. overall, i wasn't that upset about the score, more a little weighted witht the new decisions i have to make because of it.
then, on top of the score reveal, i had an appointment with the sports doctor. i had been having ankle pain while training for the past two months, and i had received athletic therapy. this did not solve the problem, so i was sent for x-rays and a ct scan. yesterday was the follow up appointment. she told me basically that there are some small bone fragments at the back of my ankle and one of the bones is slightly abnormal in shape. she wrote me a referral for orthodics and a surgical consult. it felt like so much information at the time that i almost wanted to cry to let out my building anxiety and frustration. i'm glad that i know what is causing my pain, but i was really hoping that it could be more easily resolved than with surgery.
right now my training and participation in varsity sport is up in the air. there are many unknowns. if it comes down to the possibility of long term pain and disability if i continue, then this may be the end of the road. but, who is to say? apparently the surgeon in hamilton that i am now trying to see.
this is not precisely the way i was hoping my summer would turn out, but i am certain it could be worse. so, i am grateful for the fact that i am still basically healthy and generally happy. i am also very grateful for the love of my friends and family.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
incensed
have you ever had the right conversation with the wrong person? it usually only becomes apparent after the conversation has ended, and it becomes glaringly obviously that for some reason you should not have said something that you said to that particular individual.
i just had a conversation about my feelings about the mismanagement of funding within the department of athletics at the university of guelph, and the bias of the track and field head coach against people that do not compete as distance runners. this conversation let out a lot of pent up anger and even led to me learning new things about this particular individual. but, the conversation was with one of his assistant coaches. not the best idea i ever had. the guy i was talking to, we'll call him H. did not essentially agree with my opinion - which is fine, and i don't expect that everyone should - and i get the feeling now that i was somehow offending him by talking negatively about the other individual.
i rarely find myself in positions where i regret saying certain things, but i do think that we sometimes have to choose our battles so to speak, and bringing up that topic with that individual was not a battle i should have fought. i appreciate his patience and understanding in listening to me, but even over the course of the conversation, as i was trying to explain my point of view, H. defended the other man. H.'s verbal support of the head coach follows my admission of some ignorance and comparatively different experience with the man in question. of course H.'s opinion would be different than my own: he deals with the man ("S.") as a colleague, or peer, not as an athlete; he has been privy to information about situations that i have not; he has seen the management of teams other than the ones at guelph, and can more accurately assess whether a team is functional or not; and, he himself is also a distance runner, and coaches distance athletes.
i found the conversation, near the end, became very defensive on my part. i had already asserted that my opinion was borne of my own personal experience with S. and i didn't expect that H. would have a similar perspective. but, i was hoping H. might be able to maintain a little bit more objectivity than he did.
this whole thing is so obscure to anyone reading it, and i'm sorry for that. i just needed to get the feeling of a weight off my chest. nobody that would understand it is around, so instead of telling someone i know i thought i'd just tell a bunch of internet strangers. thanks for listening.
i just had a conversation about my feelings about the mismanagement of funding within the department of athletics at the university of guelph, and the bias of the track and field head coach against people that do not compete as distance runners. this conversation let out a lot of pent up anger and even led to me learning new things about this particular individual. but, the conversation was with one of his assistant coaches. not the best idea i ever had. the guy i was talking to, we'll call him H. did not essentially agree with my opinion - which is fine, and i don't expect that everyone should - and i get the feeling now that i was somehow offending him by talking negatively about the other individual.
i rarely find myself in positions where i regret saying certain things, but i do think that we sometimes have to choose our battles so to speak, and bringing up that topic with that individual was not a battle i should have fought. i appreciate his patience and understanding in listening to me, but even over the course of the conversation, as i was trying to explain my point of view, H. defended the other man. H.'s verbal support of the head coach follows my admission of some ignorance and comparatively different experience with the man in question. of course H.'s opinion would be different than my own: he deals with the man ("S.") as a colleague, or peer, not as an athlete; he has been privy to information about situations that i have not; he has seen the management of teams other than the ones at guelph, and can more accurately assess whether a team is functional or not; and, he himself is also a distance runner, and coaches distance athletes.
i found the conversation, near the end, became very defensive on my part. i had already asserted that my opinion was borne of my own personal experience with S. and i didn't expect that H. would have a similar perspective. but, i was hoping H. might be able to maintain a little bit more objectivity than he did.
this whole thing is so obscure to anyone reading it, and i'm sorry for that. i just needed to get the feeling of a weight off my chest. nobody that would understand it is around, so instead of telling someone i know i thought i'd just tell a bunch of internet strangers. thanks for listening.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
more connections in your brain than atoms in the universe
the brain is a wonderous as mystifying thing. not that i have done much study on the topic, but i am amazed at what it can do. how does a mass of material, that sparks with electrical signals, store memories, or transmit answers to questions, or bear original thought? it almost seems like something magical as if from a child's story.
memory is what intrigues me most. in particular, i am in wonder about the ability of the mind to associate sensory experience with memory. i mean certain images, smells, tastes, sounds, and touches draw us back to past times when we perhaps experienced those things before.
last night i went to see the fireworks with two of my roommates. as i watched, memories of watching those same fireworks last year came back to me. who i was with, who i saw, what we did, and even what we ate. but more than that, i remembered how i felt. strangely, my memories exceeded just last year but flashed to prior years. i remembered seeing fireworks with my family in strathroy on different occassions. it was not exactly a pleasant experience to remember, and i don't know why, considering that those memories themselves were pleasant enough. it left me feeling inexplicably lonely, and restless last night.
one new thought came to mind while watching the fireworks: how magnificent it might be to see a celebration in China. perhaps this shall go on the list of things i'd like to experience before i die.
memory is what intrigues me most. in particular, i am in wonder about the ability of the mind to associate sensory experience with memory. i mean certain images, smells, tastes, sounds, and touches draw us back to past times when we perhaps experienced those things before.
last night i went to see the fireworks with two of my roommates. as i watched, memories of watching those same fireworks last year came back to me. who i was with, who i saw, what we did, and even what we ate. but more than that, i remembered how i felt. strangely, my memories exceeded just last year but flashed to prior years. i remembered seeing fireworks with my family in strathroy on different occassions. it was not exactly a pleasant experience to remember, and i don't know why, considering that those memories themselves were pleasant enough. it left me feeling inexplicably lonely, and restless last night.
one new thought came to mind while watching the fireworks: how magnificent it might be to see a celebration in China. perhaps this shall go on the list of things i'd like to experience before i die.
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