i just finished reading "the kite runner" by Khaled Hosseini. it floored me. it's rare that two dimensional words can generate such gut-wrenching emotions in me that i find myself openly weeping while reading certain passages.
but, perhaps, what drew me in the most was the protagonist's deep-seated guilt. i wonder about people who do wrong as children - or i suppose even as adults - and whether they do carry that shame around with them their whole lives, like a physical scar. i tend to believe that there is in almost every situation a way to absolution, to find peace. but, in fearing to confront the truth, to deal with the pain that we caused, do we burden ourselves for a lifetime instead?
in any case, i recommend the novel. well written and well read.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Saturday, October 3, 2009
a model of companioning by dr. alan d. wolfelt
companioning is about walking alongside; it is not about leading.
companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with talk.
companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
companioning is about bearing witness to the struggle of others; it is not about judging or directing those struggles.
companioning is about being present to another person's pain; it is not about taking away or relieving the pain.
companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.
companioning is about being still; it is not about frantic movement forward.
companioning is about discovering the gifts of sacred silence; it is not about filling every painful moment with talk.
companioning is about listening with the heart; it is not about analyzing with the head.
companioning is about bearing witness to the struggle of others; it is not about judging or directing those struggles.
companioning is about being present to another person's pain; it is not about taking away or relieving the pain.
companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
a human experiment
lost. forsaken. neglected. abandoned. abused. discarded. disenfranchised. minimized. isolated. ostracized. forgotten. addicts.
people.
what have we learned from our history? as a people, at some point in time, each and every one of us has felt alone. yet, we allow others to continue to live in this wrenching loneliness. why?
it was only recently brought to my attention that there is a very progressive - and extremely controversial - human experiment going on in the east end of vancouver. insite is a provincially funded facility that provides clean and sterile rooms and needles for people to shoot up their drugs. on the second floor of that same building is onsite, a detox facility. the objective of this project is to enable what is known as "harm reduction"; if drug users are going to use, they should have access to clean and sterile equipment to prevent infection and the spread of disease.
this is not what many people might consider an aide to the reduction of drug use, but rather a tool to the perpetuation of the drug culture in western canada. you wouldn't be alone if you thought that. stephen harper thinks it. but, from the mouths of the clients themselves it is clear that this project prevents overdose, transmission of HIV, AIDS, and Hepatitis C, and empowers clients in even the most infinitesimal way.
the staff do not judge the clients, nor do they condemn them. they listen. they care. they inform. there is always a hope for a better life for all of them, when they might understand their worth, and their value. but, until then, this centre is a warm smile, a hot cup of coffee, and a safe place.
cbc news: the fifth estate filmed an exposing piece on the inner workings of insite, onsite, and the facility clients, called staying alive. i hope even one more person becomes informed, and subsequently inspired to action, whatever that action may be.
people.
what have we learned from our history? as a people, at some point in time, each and every one of us has felt alone. yet, we allow others to continue to live in this wrenching loneliness. why?
it was only recently brought to my attention that there is a very progressive - and extremely controversial - human experiment going on in the east end of vancouver. insite is a provincially funded facility that provides clean and sterile rooms and needles for people to shoot up their drugs. on the second floor of that same building is onsite, a detox facility. the objective of this project is to enable what is known as "harm reduction"; if drug users are going to use, they should have access to clean and sterile equipment to prevent infection and the spread of disease.
this is not what many people might consider an aide to the reduction of drug use, but rather a tool to the perpetuation of the drug culture in western canada. you wouldn't be alone if you thought that. stephen harper thinks it. but, from the mouths of the clients themselves it is clear that this project prevents overdose, transmission of HIV, AIDS, and Hepatitis C, and empowers clients in even the most infinitesimal way.
the staff do not judge the clients, nor do they condemn them. they listen. they care. they inform. there is always a hope for a better life for all of them, when they might understand their worth, and their value. but, until then, this centre is a warm smile, a hot cup of coffee, and a safe place.
cbc news: the fifth estate filmed an exposing piece on the inner workings of insite, onsite, and the facility clients, called staying alive. i hope even one more person becomes informed, and subsequently inspired to action, whatever that action may be.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
the natural conversation
the next time you're having a conversation with someone listen to what you're both saying. it sounds like a simple task, but i imagine that it doesn't occur that frequently. sometimes we let our words get the best of us. but, are we really listening to our companion? are we really speaking openly?
my interviewing class brought to light the concept that we do not always do what we think we should or would in a given situation. at one point an entire list of qualities or actions that limit, or essentially prevent, constructive and supportive communication was written on the board at the front of the classroom. although what my teacher said was shocking, it was also incredibly humbling; he told us that at some point all of us have been poor helpers. we have been pushy, manipulative, judgemental, impatient, distracted, uncaring, dangerous, ignorant, and so forth. although we are entitled to be less than our best, it is a reminder of how we need to be aware of how we communicate with others all the time, but especially when we are in our "helper" role.
during this exercise i was pleased (if i can use pleasure for the description of what i felt) that i felt confronted by the truth that i might not be taking the time to be really present in every day life. i began reflecting on some of my most recent conversations, wondering whether my companions each felt that they received my sincere attention. i'm glad that i will improve because of this program; i mean, i will not only learn in the sense that i develop skills to use in a specific career, but rather i will take away lessons that will directly apply to my own life.
i am still befuddled by how revealing some people can be here, how incredibly vulnerable they have already become to a group of relative strangers. every time someone discloses a personal truth, whether it is that they were sexually abused as a child, that they continue to struggle with an eating disorder, or that they are recovery addicts, i have an urge to applaud them. always, i sit somewhat startled by the courage they each one shows in exposing themselves in such a way. it honestly blows my mind. but, it reinforces to me that this is exactly where i need to be right now.
my interviewing class brought to light the concept that we do not always do what we think we should or would in a given situation. at one point an entire list of qualities or actions that limit, or essentially prevent, constructive and supportive communication was written on the board at the front of the classroom. although what my teacher said was shocking, it was also incredibly humbling; he told us that at some point all of us have been poor helpers. we have been pushy, manipulative, judgemental, impatient, distracted, uncaring, dangerous, ignorant, and so forth. although we are entitled to be less than our best, it is a reminder of how we need to be aware of how we communicate with others all the time, but especially when we are in our "helper" role.
during this exercise i was pleased (if i can use pleasure for the description of what i felt) that i felt confronted by the truth that i might not be taking the time to be really present in every day life. i began reflecting on some of my most recent conversations, wondering whether my companions each felt that they received my sincere attention. i'm glad that i will improve because of this program; i mean, i will not only learn in the sense that i develop skills to use in a specific career, but rather i will take away lessons that will directly apply to my own life.
i am still befuddled by how revealing some people can be here, how incredibly vulnerable they have already become to a group of relative strangers. every time someone discloses a personal truth, whether it is that they were sexually abused as a child, that they continue to struggle with an eating disorder, or that they are recovery addicts, i have an urge to applaud them. always, i sit somewhat startled by the courage they each one shows in exposing themselves in such a way. it honestly blows my mind. but, it reinforces to me that this is exactly where i need to be right now.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
"exposure"
i've heard and read the word "exposure" used in reference to treatment of mental illness and addiction. for example, when someone suffers from a phobia, they are brought into contact with the object of their fears.
since beginning this journey, it has come to my attention that some people that work in the treatment of mental health and addictions are actually themselves in treatment. it makes me wonder why they would choose such a challenge for themselves. what could compel them to face their addiction everyday through someone else? i would consider this an exposure.
i'll have to ask.
since beginning this journey, it has come to my attention that some people that work in the treatment of mental health and addictions are actually themselves in treatment. it makes me wonder why they would choose such a challenge for themselves. what could compel them to face their addiction everyday through someone else? i would consider this an exposure.
i'll have to ask.
Monday, September 7, 2009
what could make you want to...
i don't know what started this recent fascination with eating disorders, but it has become one of those things that you suddenly notice is everywhere. i'm feeling a number of different emotions on the matter, just one of which is anger.
in retrospect, i am so aware of the ridiculous number of women (and probably men) in my life who have dealt with some kind of challenge when it comes to eating balanced diets. i include myself in this. i don't think i knew it while i was in it, but i recognise now that some of my behaviours could have escalated to dangerous heights. but, my main concern now, my objective, is to understand why people fall into these empty traps, how some get out of them, and what would motivate people on the outside to continue supporting destructive behaviours.
in reading my book, slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment, watching youtube videos about a&e intervention, journalist experiments with fad diets, and personal photo tributes about people struggling with anorexia nervosa, i'm gaining an insight into the underlying commonality: people feel invisible.
now, this idea of being invisible is not simple but rather multi-layered. for some women they want to make themselves disappear because of lack of confidence, shyness, feelings of ugliness, feelings of worthlessness. some women want to make their faults disappear, the failures from their past, that mistake they made that they feel can never be undone. yet still, and this is the most confusing, some women want to blend in so that they can finally stand out. they think that if they look like someone else, act like someone else, be what someone else thinks they should be that somehow they will finally be loved and wanted. but, the truth is that being you, unique, makes you special.
now, when i think of eating disorders i tend to become angry. there are several reasons for this. 1) i get mad at the idea that beautiful, caring, generous women are hurting themselves with their coping methods. it's such a double edged sword; the same thing that they think brings them relief, or peace, or satisfaction, is the very same thing that makes them feel pain, shame, and guilt. i'm angry that our thoughts can be so self destructive. 2) i can literally become irate at the notion that there are people encouraging this behaviour in other, more impressionable people. the example that always comes to mind is dst. whether he'll acknowledge it or not, he breeds a cult. he makes people believe that they are lucky to be in his presence, lucky to be under his guidance, nothing without him. i imagine that many times over he has gotten into situations that he is not equipped to handle, yet he covers up or ignores that reality. it's all for the win. it is obvious that there are people under his direction right now that are suffering, and he is not listening. i hate it. 3) i'm disappointed in the role that our society plays in all mental illness stigmas. i get upset that people today would rather not talk about it, pretend everything is alright, or that these problems are easily and quietly fixed by ignoring or isolating the people that are suffering. the problem is really two-fold: there is not enough attention given to these issues for people that are dealing with them to feel comfortable seeking help; and, once these courageous souls decide to fight their demons, there are not enough resources to help them.
i'm sure that this personal intrigue with anorexia is just an example of how i generally feel about health care globally. it's the needless suffering that gets me everytime. it's the ignorance to others' pain that really gets me going.
in retrospect, i am so aware of the ridiculous number of women (and probably men) in my life who have dealt with some kind of challenge when it comes to eating balanced diets. i include myself in this. i don't think i knew it while i was in it, but i recognise now that some of my behaviours could have escalated to dangerous heights. but, my main concern now, my objective, is to understand why people fall into these empty traps, how some get out of them, and what would motivate people on the outside to continue supporting destructive behaviours.
in reading my book, slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment, watching youtube videos about a&e intervention, journalist experiments with fad diets, and personal photo tributes about people struggling with anorexia nervosa, i'm gaining an insight into the underlying commonality: people feel invisible.
now, this idea of being invisible is not simple but rather multi-layered. for some women they want to make themselves disappear because of lack of confidence, shyness, feelings of ugliness, feelings of worthlessness. some women want to make their faults disappear, the failures from their past, that mistake they made that they feel can never be undone. yet still, and this is the most confusing, some women want to blend in so that they can finally stand out. they think that if they look like someone else, act like someone else, be what someone else thinks they should be that somehow they will finally be loved and wanted. but, the truth is that being you, unique, makes you special.
now, when i think of eating disorders i tend to become angry. there are several reasons for this. 1) i get mad at the idea that beautiful, caring, generous women are hurting themselves with their coping methods. it's such a double edged sword; the same thing that they think brings them relief, or peace, or satisfaction, is the very same thing that makes them feel pain, shame, and guilt. i'm angry that our thoughts can be so self destructive. 2) i can literally become irate at the notion that there are people encouraging this behaviour in other, more impressionable people. the example that always comes to mind is dst. whether he'll acknowledge it or not, he breeds a cult. he makes people believe that they are lucky to be in his presence, lucky to be under his guidance, nothing without him. i imagine that many times over he has gotten into situations that he is not equipped to handle, yet he covers up or ignores that reality. it's all for the win. it is obvious that there are people under his direction right now that are suffering, and he is not listening. i hate it. 3) i'm disappointed in the role that our society plays in all mental illness stigmas. i get upset that people today would rather not talk about it, pretend everything is alright, or that these problems are easily and quietly fixed by ignoring or isolating the people that are suffering. the problem is really two-fold: there is not enough attention given to these issues for people that are dealing with them to feel comfortable seeking help; and, once these courageous souls decide to fight their demons, there are not enough resources to help them.
i'm sure that this personal intrigue with anorexia is just an example of how i generally feel about health care globally. it's the needless suffering that gets me everytime. it's the ignorance to others' pain that really gets me going.
Friday, August 28, 2009
have i been here before?
lately i've been feeling this sense of repeat. it is not deja vu; rather, it's the feeling that i've been at a crossroad like this before. both had to do with school.
when i went back for an extra semester of high school it was to get the last three credits i needed to apply for university. what that year actually did was: a) do the former; b) help me really establish in my mind where i would feel most comfortable going to university; c) allow me to make more money to be used to support myself while i wasn't working; and most importantly, d) develop some very important relationships, especially one in particular. i consider this last one to be most important because i know that some things in life cannot be explained, just felt. some of our most essential lessons come from words and actions, not books and classrooms. i learned a great deal about myself because of that relationship, and i changed, too. i will never take that opportunity for granted.
at this point in my life i am feeling that same sense of waiting. i'm so ready to move forward, to apply to medical school. if i wasn't sure that that was what i wanted, i'm 100% convinced now. but, i think the importance of the next two years is not the preparation for the future but the learning and changing in the moment. i'm exhilarated by the prospect.
on a different note, i'm becoming aware of how manipulative we can be of one another when in trusting relationships. we sometimes forget that we influence our friends and family and loved ones just with the words we say and the way we say them. this may not make complete sense. but, this thought arose while reading passages from the book, "slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment". the book is a posthumous publication of the diary of a girl/woman as she struggled through ten years with anorexia, with narration by her father.
i was surprised to read about the way jenny's psychiatrist made her feel and think about herself. admittedly, i basically have no background in psychology to speak of; however, i don't think that separating behaviours into different "selfs" is appropriate. for example, "good jenny" is the one that eats all her meals and is quiet, obedient, and well-mannered. "bad jenny" is the anorexic, and she is selfish, whiny, and needy. after this, jenny seems to more desperately rage within herself, feeling that there are two sides of her that must battle. wouldn't it be better to identify as one person that is dealing with inappropriate coping mechanisms? wouldn't it be better for her therapist to support the idea that every day - even during symptomatic periods - jenny is good, but identify when jenny's behaviours are not healthy?
this is just one of those times when i wish people could just think my thoughts to understand what i mean. whether i can explain my thoughts about this book or not, i'm learning from it.
when i went back for an extra semester of high school it was to get the last three credits i needed to apply for university. what that year actually did was: a) do the former; b) help me really establish in my mind where i would feel most comfortable going to university; c) allow me to make more money to be used to support myself while i wasn't working; and most importantly, d) develop some very important relationships, especially one in particular. i consider this last one to be most important because i know that some things in life cannot be explained, just felt. some of our most essential lessons come from words and actions, not books and classrooms. i learned a great deal about myself because of that relationship, and i changed, too. i will never take that opportunity for granted.
at this point in my life i am feeling that same sense of waiting. i'm so ready to move forward, to apply to medical school. if i wasn't sure that that was what i wanted, i'm 100% convinced now. but, i think the importance of the next two years is not the preparation for the future but the learning and changing in the moment. i'm exhilarated by the prospect.
on a different note, i'm becoming aware of how manipulative we can be of one another when in trusting relationships. we sometimes forget that we influence our friends and family and loved ones just with the words we say and the way we say them. this may not make complete sense. but, this thought arose while reading passages from the book, "slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment". the book is a posthumous publication of the diary of a girl/woman as she struggled through ten years with anorexia, with narration by her father.
i was surprised to read about the way jenny's psychiatrist made her feel and think about herself. admittedly, i basically have no background in psychology to speak of; however, i don't think that separating behaviours into different "selfs" is appropriate. for example, "good jenny" is the one that eats all her meals and is quiet, obedient, and well-mannered. "bad jenny" is the anorexic, and she is selfish, whiny, and needy. after this, jenny seems to more desperately rage within herself, feeling that there are two sides of her that must battle. wouldn't it be better to identify as one person that is dealing with inappropriate coping mechanisms? wouldn't it be better for her therapist to support the idea that every day - even during symptomatic periods - jenny is good, but identify when jenny's behaviours are not healthy?
this is just one of those times when i wish people could just think my thoughts to understand what i mean. whether i can explain my thoughts about this book or not, i'm learning from it.
Monday, August 3, 2009
my mind is running, but my body isn't
one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have is laziness. yet, i find i fall into periods of idleness again and again. this tends to occur in the summer, or during times when the number of activities on my agenda is low. i thrive on a full life, a busy life. i'm the kind of person who gets things done when i have no time. i find time. i make time.
a friend wrote to me recently, and cited as her reason for her late reply to my initial contact, "when i have nothing to do, i do nothing." i completely relate. although i know that i am highly motivated, extremely driven, and enjoy taking initiative, i lack a sense of urgency when i have too much time. the boredom that results from my inactivity is exhausting, and somewhat irritating. mostly, the irritation is directed at myself for not finding more stimulating activities. but, the positive thing to come out of all of this: a revelation. should i come into money, by inheritance, or luck of the draw, i could never quit my job or take long leaves. i would never do anything.
a friend wrote to me recently, and cited as her reason for her late reply to my initial contact, "when i have nothing to do, i do nothing." i completely relate. although i know that i am highly motivated, extremely driven, and enjoy taking initiative, i lack a sense of urgency when i have too much time. the boredom that results from my inactivity is exhausting, and somewhat irritating. mostly, the irritation is directed at myself for not finding more stimulating activities. but, the positive thing to come out of all of this: a revelation. should i come into money, by inheritance, or luck of the draw, i could never quit my job or take long leaves. i would never do anything.
Friday, May 15, 2009
rediscovery
i don't exactly understand why we go through phases of interest with music, art, physical activities, people... when you look back on things you used to wear or cds you used to think were so fabulous, do you ever cringe and wonder what must have been going through your mind?
i had the exact opposite experience recently. i was going through some of my old things in my room at my parent's house. i came across pictures of the camping trips that i went on, and the canoe adventures that i used to have. i even found some of my old poetry. in the basement i had to go through a big box from the house on glasgow. i found some of the vanilla candles i used to burn, hemp and beads, and some cook books that i received as gifts. looking at all of these things made me wonder why i stopped doing them. even now i can remember different instances when those items played a role in happy memories.
i'm excited by the opportunity to start completely fresh and begin a new life when i move. i'll get to bring forward only the good things that i want to have and incorporate new things i've never had before. i'm thankful for this rediscovery.
i had the exact opposite experience recently. i was going through some of my old things in my room at my parent's house. i came across pictures of the camping trips that i went on, and the canoe adventures that i used to have. i even found some of my old poetry. in the basement i had to go through a big box from the house on glasgow. i found some of the vanilla candles i used to burn, hemp and beads, and some cook books that i received as gifts. looking at all of these things made me wonder why i stopped doing them. even now i can remember different instances when those items played a role in happy memories.
i'm excited by the opportunity to start completely fresh and begin a new life when i move. i'll get to bring forward only the good things that i want to have and incorporate new things i've never had before. i'm thankful for this rediscovery.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
a grasp on reality
growing up i never would have thought that i would be hearing about the impending divorce of my parents. especially after 26 years. but, i suppose this is not a rare occurrence anymore. and, i should be grateful because often couples that choose to do this are much happier apart than together.
over the course of the past couple of weeks i have had the opportunity to speak one-on-one with both of my parents about their marriage. both acknowledge that an end is near. my mom actually admitted that she is in therapy, and before her next appointment her "homework" is to see the lawyer to begin the process.
i feel a strange mixture of feelings, although none of them sadness. i suppose you really would have had to be a part of my family life during the past ten years to understand the relief that accompanies this news, for me. in addition, i feel proud of my mom, that she is finally standing up for herself again and listening to what she knows is best for herself instead of being swayed by her parents, her in-laws, or anyone else. finally, i feel a sense of gratitude. i won't have to deal with the awkward silences, the lack of affection, the hostility and polite yet strained smiles, or the phony family portrait that we tend to form at the holidays.
i would not have anticipated how calmly both seem to be entering into this phase of their relationship. i didn't think that two people who had lived together for over a quarter of a century could be so indifferent to parting ways. i guess, i'm realising exactly how far apart they have grown (if they really were that close at all to begin with).
always, always, when i reflect on my parent's relationship i try to take it with a grain of salt. i try to learn from it. i try to remember all of the things that i do not want in a relationship of my own.
over the course of the past couple of weeks i have had the opportunity to speak one-on-one with both of my parents about their marriage. both acknowledge that an end is near. my mom actually admitted that she is in therapy, and before her next appointment her "homework" is to see the lawyer to begin the process.
i feel a strange mixture of feelings, although none of them sadness. i suppose you really would have had to be a part of my family life during the past ten years to understand the relief that accompanies this news, for me. in addition, i feel proud of my mom, that she is finally standing up for herself again and listening to what she knows is best for herself instead of being swayed by her parents, her in-laws, or anyone else. finally, i feel a sense of gratitude. i won't have to deal with the awkward silences, the lack of affection, the hostility and polite yet strained smiles, or the phony family portrait that we tend to form at the holidays.
i would not have anticipated how calmly both seem to be entering into this phase of their relationship. i didn't think that two people who had lived together for over a quarter of a century could be so indifferent to parting ways. i guess, i'm realising exactly how far apart they have grown (if they really were that close at all to begin with).
always, always, when i reflect on my parent's relationship i try to take it with a grain of salt. i try to learn from it. i try to remember all of the things that i do not want in a relationship of my own.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
all you need is love
oh my. sometimes i just don't understand the human tendency to need to feel needed.
i got online last night to check-up on my sister and ended up speaking to a friend that i made while working at a part-time job in high school. he is, just as he was then, a very nice man. we find similarities in our appreciation of music and spiritual fulfillment. our conversations often deal with the goings-on in our lives, and sometimes more. but, with his job driving transport trucks and my student life, we don't usually get many opportunities to chat.
last night he was in a rather somber mood. after some of the niceties, we ended up settling into one of his favourite topics: his love life, or lack thereof.
being completely honest, i think he has a lot to bring to the table. despite the fact that his career is not some white collar profession, he works hard. he's one of the gentlest people i know. he's thoughtful and generous. he's funny. he's extremely genuine, and sensitive to the needs of others. he can even sing and play instruments, which is usually a huge turn-on for me. the reason that i've never considered a relationship with him is because we've never had our personal goals aligned. i'm not bothered by the age difference (about ten years) but i was moving in a totally different direction than he was.
at any rate, i told him that i had been attracted to him in the past. the objective of the comment was to (a) reinforce that he is attractive to the opposite sex and (b) that within this context i was reassuring him that his lack of relationship now may be a consequence of just not being in the "right place, at the right time" with someone. unfortunately, he commented that he's always found me pretty, and that i've challenged him mentally... so, i'm slightly concerned that i've now given him some reason to expect that if i find myself 'moving in his direction' so to speak that we'll start something.
i just don't understand why we feel so incomplete without being in relationships. but, i wish him every happiness. i hope some woman truly realises his special qualities. until then, may he be content in further developing his friendships.
i got online last night to check-up on my sister and ended up speaking to a friend that i made while working at a part-time job in high school. he is, just as he was then, a very nice man. we find similarities in our appreciation of music and spiritual fulfillment. our conversations often deal with the goings-on in our lives, and sometimes more. but, with his job driving transport trucks and my student life, we don't usually get many opportunities to chat.
last night he was in a rather somber mood. after some of the niceties, we ended up settling into one of his favourite topics: his love life, or lack thereof.
being completely honest, i think he has a lot to bring to the table. despite the fact that his career is not some white collar profession, he works hard. he's one of the gentlest people i know. he's thoughtful and generous. he's funny. he's extremely genuine, and sensitive to the needs of others. he can even sing and play instruments, which is usually a huge turn-on for me. the reason that i've never considered a relationship with him is because we've never had our personal goals aligned. i'm not bothered by the age difference (about ten years) but i was moving in a totally different direction than he was.
at any rate, i told him that i had been attracted to him in the past. the objective of the comment was to (a) reinforce that he is attractive to the opposite sex and (b) that within this context i was reassuring him that his lack of relationship now may be a consequence of just not being in the "right place, at the right time" with someone. unfortunately, he commented that he's always found me pretty, and that i've challenged him mentally... so, i'm slightly concerned that i've now given him some reason to expect that if i find myself 'moving in his direction' so to speak that we'll start something.
i just don't understand why we feel so incomplete without being in relationships. but, i wish him every happiness. i hope some woman truly realises his special qualities. until then, may he be content in further developing his friendships.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
incense and tea in tiny cups
i miss my friend
i miss listening to dylan or joni on breezy summer afternoons
i miss drinking tea from tiny clay cups
i miss the smell of burning incense, or the lingering aroma of past burnings
i miss talking about my mind, and the meaning of life
i miss crossword competitions
i miss cooking together, drinking wine, and playing trivial pursuit
i miss hikes and holding hands
i miss calls before going to sleep
i miss listening to dylan or joni on breezy summer afternoons
i miss drinking tea from tiny clay cups
i miss the smell of burning incense, or the lingering aroma of past burnings
i miss talking about my mind, and the meaning of life
i miss crossword competitions
i miss cooking together, drinking wine, and playing trivial pursuit
i miss hikes and holding hands
i miss calls before going to sleep
Monday, March 16, 2009
how do you know?
i've been out of the dating scene for a while, so i'm not really sure how some of these things really work. to be honest, i'm not really sure any of my "dating experience" really applies to this situation, because i don't believe either case really followed the stereotypical rules of dating. if there in fact are any, that is.
i'd just like to know when something is considered a "date". does one person need to label it?
i'm under the impression that the time i'm spending with a particular fellow is just as friends, but if someone thinks it is more (especially him) i wish they'd say so. perhaps i'll ask... if we continue hanging out. now that my schedule has changed, i'm not sure if i'll be seeing him as much anymore.
i'd just like to know when something is considered a "date". does one person need to label it?
i'm under the impression that the time i'm spending with a particular fellow is just as friends, but if someone thinks it is more (especially him) i wish they'd say so. perhaps i'll ask... if we continue hanging out. now that my schedule has changed, i'm not sure if i'll be seeing him as much anymore.
silent spring
there have been at least three courses in which this book has been mentionned. i'm amazed that a book published in 1962 on pesticide control still has the gravity to be talked about in academic forums today. it's on my list of books to read:
silent spring by rachel carson
silent spring by rachel carson
Thursday, February 26, 2009
of simpler times
every now and again i think back to the simpler times in my life. when i was a child, i had few responsibilities and fewer worries. come to think of it, i may not have had that many thoughts. there wasn't so much to question, to doubt, to fear. i could just trust, and believe. i would never give up the many things that i have learned with age, and i'd like to channel the power to find such peace again.
in the next few months, i think life will both simplify and complicate itself. graduating is going to be a simplification. it is a clean end to a chapter in my life. as much as i will miss the familiar places and faces, i do not regret my decision to move forward. going to a new school is going to be interesting. calling it a complication sounds like it is going to be a negative experience. i don't believe that, so i can't categorize it in that way. but, i do think i'll face many new challenges that will force me to re-examine my motivations, my skills, and my choices. but, i'm honestly looking forward to being rustled a bit. life would be boring without moments or people that literally smack us across the face and say, "wake up and live".
if i could be an object, i'd be a drop of water. then i could experience so many things. i could be still and frozen, caught in an icy tableau. i could be rain or river. i could be a cloud. it would be beautiful. despite the many possibilities, i think water would be simple not complicated.
what would you be?
in the next few months, i think life will both simplify and complicate itself. graduating is going to be a simplification. it is a clean end to a chapter in my life. as much as i will miss the familiar places and faces, i do not regret my decision to move forward. going to a new school is going to be interesting. calling it a complication sounds like it is going to be a negative experience. i don't believe that, so i can't categorize it in that way. but, i do think i'll face many new challenges that will force me to re-examine my motivations, my skills, and my choices. but, i'm honestly looking forward to being rustled a bit. life would be boring without moments or people that literally smack us across the face and say, "wake up and live".
if i could be an object, i'd be a drop of water. then i could experience so many things. i could be still and frozen, caught in an icy tableau. i could be rain or river. i could be a cloud. it would be beautiful. despite the many possibilities, i think water would be simple not complicated.
what would you be?
Thursday, February 5, 2009
out of the dark comes the light
i wonder what we'd do
if we knew our time was due
or that the storm was never ending
would we ever stop pretending?
i wonder what they'd say
if the forests burned away
or they heard the children screaming
or saw the banners streaming
would anyone stop to care
if strangers were in despair?
if the river ran its shore,
or the levee was no more?
how many people have to die
before we hear them cry?
before we lend a hand?
before we give a damn?
who taught you to be brave
or to give all that you gave?
was it the gentle urging of your mother,
or the rough-housing of your brother?
i'd like to know when we'll understand
our many wondered land
and finally come to aid
all those who must be saved
i can't seem to help but feel
that the dream could become real
when no person dies alone
or lives without food, water, or home
if we could only be
the change we wish to see
maybe then we could inspire
only then will we reach higher
if we knew our time was due
or that the storm was never ending
would we ever stop pretending?
i wonder what they'd say
if the forests burned away
or they heard the children screaming
or saw the banners streaming
would anyone stop to care
if strangers were in despair?
if the river ran its shore,
or the levee was no more?
how many people have to die
before we hear them cry?
before we lend a hand?
before we give a damn?
who taught you to be brave
or to give all that you gave?
was it the gentle urging of your mother,
or the rough-housing of your brother?
i'd like to know when we'll understand
our many wondered land
and finally come to aid
all those who must be saved
i can't seem to help but feel
that the dream could become real
when no person dies alone
or lives without food, water, or home
if we could only be
the change we wish to see
maybe then we could inspire
only then will we reach higher
Sunday, January 25, 2009
a crack in my foundation
every once in a while i stop and think about how i feel. i try to really listen to the thoughts in my head, but also to the emotion that crests and troughs with every beat of my heart.
i can't remember where or when i heard the following, but there was someone who said that when you realise that you're happy, you're not happy anymore. i don't think that that is entirely true, but there is some truth to it. more, i think, in the sense that when you think about the things that make you happy, you also unwittingly end up searching for the holes.
i wouldn't lie to others or myself by saying that i've been a very happy person over the past couple of years. i think that i've had good times, and i've experienced joyful things, but in general i've been waiting for a time beyond this one. although unfortunate, i feel as though i have often lived my life in anticipation of the next thing to come. there is always something outside of my reach. it's not a bad thing, if that thing is a goal. goals and aspirations can drive us to work hard and achieve things physically, mentally, and emotionally that we don't necessarily believe that we can. but, i think my anticipation is of a different sense of being. i imagine that each new chapter in my life will bring me a greater sense of peace, with the person that i am in that moment and with the people have i have been in the past.
this morning i came to the conclusion that some people from my past do not have a harmonious place in my present. i think that is a result of my own shortcomings, an inability to forget perhaps, or maybe a reluctance to forgive them for moving on without me. some people in my life have been trapped in a role in my mind, and when they break out of it, i no longer understand how to integrate them into my world. i hope one day i'll learn. i hope one day i can see all of the people from my past and genuinely wish them well.
for now, they are just the cracks in my foundation.
i can't remember where or when i heard the following, but there was someone who said that when you realise that you're happy, you're not happy anymore. i don't think that that is entirely true, but there is some truth to it. more, i think, in the sense that when you think about the things that make you happy, you also unwittingly end up searching for the holes.
i wouldn't lie to others or myself by saying that i've been a very happy person over the past couple of years. i think that i've had good times, and i've experienced joyful things, but in general i've been waiting for a time beyond this one. although unfortunate, i feel as though i have often lived my life in anticipation of the next thing to come. there is always something outside of my reach. it's not a bad thing, if that thing is a goal. goals and aspirations can drive us to work hard and achieve things physically, mentally, and emotionally that we don't necessarily believe that we can. but, i think my anticipation is of a different sense of being. i imagine that each new chapter in my life will bring me a greater sense of peace, with the person that i am in that moment and with the people have i have been in the past.
this morning i came to the conclusion that some people from my past do not have a harmonious place in my present. i think that is a result of my own shortcomings, an inability to forget perhaps, or maybe a reluctance to forgive them for moving on without me. some people in my life have been trapped in a role in my mind, and when they break out of it, i no longer understand how to integrate them into my world. i hope one day i'll learn. i hope one day i can see all of the people from my past and genuinely wish them well.
for now, they are just the cracks in my foundation.
Friday, January 23, 2009
let's stay up all night
maybe then i'll be as blue as the sky
when we can watch the sun burn out
and the stars explode into a million glimmering pieces
corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay
how do you sleep? have you ever noticed how your arms and legs array themselves beneath your covers? sometimes i wonder what i look like from above. often, though, i imagine that i look like i'm missing someone. i think that everyone fits with everyone, or at least someone.
i think it's amazing how perfectly two human bodies can fit together. a mother holding a child close to her breast. a daughter dancing with her father. two friends piggy-backing. two lovers spooning. it's beautiful.
holding hands is like a microcosm. fingers entwined and palms touching. human contact is wonderful. maybe that is why it is so essential to life.
i think it's amazing how perfectly two human bodies can fit together. a mother holding a child close to her breast. a daughter dancing with her father. two friends piggy-backing. two lovers spooning. it's beautiful.
holding hands is like a microcosm. fingers entwined and palms touching. human contact is wonderful. maybe that is why it is so essential to life.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
my sanctuary?
sometimes i wish that the true sanctuary still existed. the place one could go to and be protected from all of the hurt and pain of the outside. one place you could go and really find peace, both without and within.
among the many stresses and worries in my life, one has recently been added. my father had a heart attack.
it's strange, mostly because i wasn't immediately rattled by the information on his behalf, but out of consideration of the other people in my life that it would affect. if you knew me well, and knew of the relationship that i had with my father, you'd understand the strain that would be in my voice when i speak of him.
we have not been the closest of confidants, or the fastest of friends. in recent years we've managed to be cordial, and sometimes even respectful. but, when you make the attempt and your feelings are dashed aside, it is difficult to care. so, when i heard the news i was shocked first, then concerned about my mom, and then inexplicably angry at my father.
although i won't go into the details of my emotions at the time, i'll suffice it to say that i have a strange, and uncomfortable feeling of apathy towards him and about the entire situation. it's a shame really. i don't think he quite understands how his decisions over the years has led to my indifference toward him.
among the many stresses and worries in my life, one has recently been added. my father had a heart attack.
it's strange, mostly because i wasn't immediately rattled by the information on his behalf, but out of consideration of the other people in my life that it would affect. if you knew me well, and knew of the relationship that i had with my father, you'd understand the strain that would be in my voice when i speak of him.
we have not been the closest of confidants, or the fastest of friends. in recent years we've managed to be cordial, and sometimes even respectful. but, when you make the attempt and your feelings are dashed aside, it is difficult to care. so, when i heard the news i was shocked first, then concerned about my mom, and then inexplicably angry at my father.
although i won't go into the details of my emotions at the time, i'll suffice it to say that i have a strange, and uncomfortable feeling of apathy towards him and about the entire situation. it's a shame really. i don't think he quite understands how his decisions over the years has led to my indifference toward him.
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