self-recrimination

i find it to be quite an interesting experience to be around while people are at their various stages of intoxication. that word is so multifaceted, i don't think people really realise. toxic usually brings those dreaded skull and cross bones symbols on the sides of chemical containers to mind. toxic makes me think of serious health effects. for some people who drink, and drink too much, too fast, or maybe just too often, those things also come to mind when they reflect on the night they spent hunched over the toilet.

tonight, my roommates went out for the second night in a row this week. they went to a house party which was to be followed by a trip to the bars downtown. however, one of the three of them has to work tomorrow (or i guess later today, now), training another individual, from 7am to 2pm. at this very moment, she is lying in her clothes, in the fetal position, with her head dangling over the side of the bed so her vomit can fall into the bucket on the floor. i haven't really been witness to many people in their "recovery" stages after drinking, so i wanted to be sure that she was alright. after bringing her some water and handing her the bucket, she told me that i must think she's disgusting, and that i must hate her. she believes she doesn't deserve to be helped. i found it most intriguing that she, i guess only somewhat conscious that i was there beside her, would briefly make comments that sounded as if she was talking to herself: why do you do this to yourself? this isn't fun.

i don't feel particularly negative towards individuals that drink til they puke and go to excess when they know the consequences. more, i don't understand them. i never enjoyed vomitting, the few times i can specifically remember doing it. i definitely didn't enjoy the spins i had while i was trying to sleep that one night that i was really drunk. i could live without ever feeling the headache and nausea i endured on the bus ride back from montreal the next morning. that being said, i suppose it is human that people get carried away, or get lost in the moment, and lose track of how much they are drinking and how quickly.

i just hope that if my roommate is dealing with more deeply seated issues that were drowned with alcohol tonight, that she can find someone to talk to about them. and soon.