hard lesson learned

have you ever wished you could close your eyes and then open them again to find the world magically changed? perhaps you wish that someone that has died is alive again, or someone that was sick is now well. perhaps, like me, you wish you just felt differently.

it really feels so ridiculous. i got what i thought i wanted and now i wish i hadn't done anything. i thought i wanted peace. i thought i wanted closure. but i didn't want to actually know that he was happy without me. it's not that i don't want him to be happy, but i am overcome with childish questions: why wasn't he happy like that with me? why couldn't i help him find his way? was i not enough? would it have been different if i had sacrificed more, moved? why wasn't i what he needed?

i can't get over how pathetic this all is. how sad that a girl be blubbering over her ex-boyfriend's current state of wholeness. i should be proud of him, and i am. i should be relieved for his parents -who worried about him - and i am. i should be grateful that he is in a better position to renew friendships and familial relationships that might have been hindered before, and i am. but, i can't help but be self-pitying. again, i say, pathetic.

does everyone glorify their first love this way? does everyone have to endure that tireless wondering of what could have been done differently to make that relationship work forever? i'd really like to know. maybe there would be some comfort in that. maybe i could heal a little faster knowing that everyone goes through this. i'd really love someone to sweep into my life and make all the emptiness go away. the emptiness that i thought only he could fill. what i sucker i am.

yeah, what a doozy. a clusterfuck, for sure.