sometimes there is just so much pain

sometimes i just get overwhelmed by the amount of pain in the world. i think i have a very strange love/hate relationship with that. there are times when i prefer to just shut it out, believe in the hopeful future, and ignore sadness. other times, though, i almost purposely seek it out. i look it. i watch other people's pain play out in movies, or on tv shows like "intervention". maybe i evenplay my role as a good listener just to hear of the turmoil in others' lives. why? i wonder. maybe if i'm thinking about their pain, crying about their pain, helping them through their pain, then i don't have to do that with my own.

i think the word rejection embodies the source of most of my pain. it comes from different angles. one obvious one is self rejection. for all of the education i've had, and the healthy relationships i've made with family and friends, i still don't always remember that i'm beautiful. i don't feel wanted sometimes. i suppose i really mean wanted by a partner, wanted like a soul mate. it shouldn't be that important to me. most days it's not. i enjoy the freedom of not being in a relationship because i don't have to feel as though i'm letting that person down by not being available enough. i know deep down that some of this is a remnant of my last serious relationship. even now, very rarely, but still once in a while, i sit and wonder and what i must have been feeling during those months when we were together. i loved him. i really, honestly did. but my biggest problem was that i thought that my love itself could help him. i know that it takes a willing soul, and a concerted effort to make a real change. i know that. and, maybe he has made that effort now; maybe he is really truly happy and healthy. i would be happy for him if it is. but, the part that gets me, and makes me feel rejected is: why didn't he want it enough when we were together?

this seems so circular to me, so "caught up in the past"; but, i hope that down the road this is helping me somehow. of course a part of me wanted to shut out the hurt. i wanted to move forward and excel and be better - to show him that i didn't need him. i was better off without him. my mom likes to tell me that i don't need a man to complete me. and, i know it. but, that doesn't take away from my wanting to share my life with. i really am a simple person. maybe i was born in the wrong country, or the wrong era. i want to be a wife and a mother. i want to be independent and educated. i want to be creative and useful. i want to work hard and earn my life. i want to contribute to the world beyond myself. but, i so much want to be a part of a family.

if we're going to do the psychoanalysis, which i guess i'm already doing, perhaps that indicates that i don't feel like i am or have been part of a family. it's not true. i do feel connected to my family, especially my sister and my grandparents. i love them more than i can say. but, my male models have always felt somewhat absent. my father wasn't much of one. i don't know whether it is particularly because he didn't know how, or because he just didn't really want to be. when i was very young there was dispute between my parents about distribution of responsibilities, and my mother became a stay-at-home. my dad worked a lot of overtime. i remember not seeing him that much. but, as the years went on i remember my sisters and i not getting along with him. he didn't understand us, and didn't seem to try, so he could never really communicate or interact well. thinking back, there was a time when there was a lot of yelling. now, he's a corpse. he barely makes the effort to greet me when i come home. it makes me feel like he's almost indifferent to my presence. i suppose he's sad now, and depressed. but, i can't assume his excuses for why he's not making a better effort to be a part of my life.

my uncles were good to me, especially the ones on my mom's side. i really consider them to be the fathers in my life. unlike my own, they were the ones that likes giving us hugs, and told us out loud that they loved us. i may not have realised until just now how significant that has been in my life. unfortunately, with distance, it is difficult to spend time with them, especially now. but, even more than that, i accepted that they had their own family to be a part of, their own children to love. i'm sure that they would support me and love me if i let them know i needed it, but i feel like it is my responsibility to recognize the boundary. i want them to be good fathers to their own children.

the man i think i have loved the most, and perhaps may idolise until i die or meet the man who makes me feel just as good (whichever comes sooner), was my nonno. i can't even explain to you why. i really feel as though he and i really were more atuned. he disciplined me, he reprimanded me if i was bad, he was strict when he needed to be. but, he was also very affectionate. strangely, not in a physical way. i mean affectionate in the way he talked to me, and listened to me. he really paid attention. and when i did something well, or that he liked, there was such joy and obvious happiness in his face. i wanted his approval. i wanted his guidance. i just wanted him around. the man was no saint, either. i know the sound of his voice raised in anger. i know that he had a temper, and that sometimes he got a little violent. he was also, in his last few years, somewhat of an alcoholic. maybe because i was only just barely a teenage when he died that i don't understand the intricacies of the situation. but, for what we had i will always be grateful. clearly, he has remained the most beloved man in my life thus far. other than my cousins, he is the only male who's picture has ever been up in my room. he was very precious to me.

i wish sometimes that i could know that there really is someone who will compliment me in all of my ridiculous idiosyncrasies. i wish i could know that say, five years down the road i'll meet that man who will be the balance i want and need. we will challenge, and inspire, and support, and love one another. then i could be patient, and unconcerned about myself now. i could focus on others and the bigger picture because i know that my other half is coming. i have a feeling someone, somewhere out there, is reading this to themselves and shaking their head at me. "you've got it backwards", they say to themselves. you are right. if i focus on the big picture, and be selfless, i will consequently find what i am seeking in all of its forms. i know, but sometimes it is hard to be logical.