a crack in my foundation

every once in a while i stop and think about how i feel. i try to really listen to the thoughts in my head, but also to the emotion that crests and troughs with every beat of my heart.

i can't remember where or when i heard the following, but there was someone who said that when you realise that you're happy, you're not happy anymore. i don't think that that is entirely true, but there is some truth to it. more, i think, in the sense that when you think about the things that make you happy, you also unwittingly end up searching for the holes.

i wouldn't lie to others or myself by saying that i've been a very happy person over the past couple of years. i think that i've had good times, and i've experienced joyful things, but in general i've been waiting for a time beyond this one. although unfortunate, i feel as though i have often lived my life in anticipation of the next thing to come. there is always something outside of my reach. it's not a bad thing, if that thing is a goal. goals and aspirations can drive us to work hard and achieve things physically, mentally, and emotionally that we don't necessarily believe that we can. but, i think my anticipation is of a different sense of being. i imagine that each new chapter in my life will bring me a greater sense of peace, with the person that i am in that moment and with the people have i have been in the past.

this morning i came to the conclusion that some people from my past do not have a harmonious place in my present. i think that is a result of my own shortcomings, an inability to forget perhaps, or maybe a reluctance to forgive them for moving on without me. some people in my life have been trapped in a role in my mind, and when they break out of it, i no longer understand how to integrate them into my world. i hope one day i'll learn. i hope one day i can see all of the people from my past and genuinely wish them well.

for now, they are just the cracks in my foundation.

let's stay up all night

maybe then i'll be as blue as the sky
when we can watch the sun burn out
and the stars explode into a million glimmering pieces

corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay

how do you sleep? have you ever noticed how your arms and legs array themselves beneath your covers? sometimes i wonder what i look like from above. often, though, i imagine that i look like i'm missing someone. i think that everyone fits with everyone, or at least someone.

i think it's amazing how perfectly two human bodies can fit together. a mother holding a child close to her breast. a daughter dancing with her father. two friends piggy-backing. two lovers spooning. it's beautiful.

holding hands is like a microcosm. fingers entwined and palms touching. human contact is wonderful. maybe that is why it is so essential to life.

hold me #5 by amanda milke

my sanctuary?

sometimes i wish that the true sanctuary still existed. the place one could go to and be protected from all of the hurt and pain of the outside. one place you could go and really find peace, both without and within.

among the many stresses and worries in my life, one has recently been added. my father had a heart attack.

it's strange, mostly because i wasn't immediately rattled by the information on his behalf, but out of consideration of the other people in my life that it would affect. if you knew me well, and knew of the relationship that i had with my father, you'd understand the strain that would be in my voice when i speak of him.

we have not been the closest of confidants, or the fastest of friends. in recent years we've managed to be cordial, and sometimes even respectful. but, when you make the attempt and your feelings are dashed aside, it is difficult to care. so, when i heard the news i was shocked first, then concerned about my mom, and then inexplicably angry at my father.

although i won't go into the details of my emotions at the time, i'll suffice it to say that i have a strange, and uncomfortable feeling of apathy towards him and about the entire situation. it's a shame really. i don't think he quite understands how his decisions over the years has led to my indifference toward him.