well, i guess he wasn't even really when i knew him. i had a dream about him last night. or, amend that: i had a dream in which he appeared last night.
when i awoke, i was somewhat pleased that in this dream, my ex was actually overweight. he had a huge beer belly, which aged him considerably, and i did not feel any attraction to him at all. i don't remember the whole context of the dream, what was said, or how it ended, but i am distinctly happy knowing that i now do not immediately associate him with attractiveness.
initially, i was worried that i would think about him when i masturbated. but, that has not happened for months. and, i'm relieved to see that he won't appear as some dashing prince charming in my dreams, that i will harbour unrequited love for.
moving on. how nice.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
older men fever?
i don't know why, or what i've been doing, but i've been so attracted to older men lately. i mean older in the realm of late twenties - early thirties older... which for a twenty-one year old is relatively older. maybe it was brought more thoroughly to my attention when i met one of the throwing recruits last night. he seemed older, and as i found out is just beginning his PhD studies here at guelph. but, i'm pretty sure this has been somewhat of an ongoing theme in my life of late.
last night i had a dream that i got involved with a professor. it was a complicated situation because there was the chance that he could be lecturing one of my classes. obviously this possess an ethical problem for him. but, i was so attracted to this man, and we communicated so well. i don't really know how it ended; my alarm clock went off and i groggily got out of bed.
i wonder whether something has affected my default male attraction. i've heard that sometimes we tend to flock toward models that we felt were lacking in our own lives, such as strong father figures. is that why i like older men, because i want someone that has experience and wisdom and authority? perhaps. but, i'd prefer to think that it is because older men have a "lived" feeling to them, and there is less coyness and games. i want honesty and genuineness and communication, and of course love and affection.
but, god knows it is difficult to sit in class and pay attention when i think my prof is good looking.
last night i had a dream that i got involved with a professor. it was a complicated situation because there was the chance that he could be lecturing one of my classes. obviously this possess an ethical problem for him. but, i was so attracted to this man, and we communicated so well. i don't really know how it ended; my alarm clock went off and i groggily got out of bed.
i wonder whether something has affected my default male attraction. i've heard that sometimes we tend to flock toward models that we felt were lacking in our own lives, such as strong father figures. is that why i like older men, because i want someone that has experience and wisdom and authority? perhaps. but, i'd prefer to think that it is because older men have a "lived" feeling to them, and there is less coyness and games. i want honesty and genuineness and communication, and of course love and affection.
but, god knows it is difficult to sit in class and pay attention when i think my prof is good looking.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
self-recrimination
i find it to be quite an interesting experience to be around while people are at their various stages of intoxication. that word is so multifaceted, i don't think people really realise. toxic usually brings those dreaded skull and cross bones symbols on the sides of chemical containers to mind. toxic makes me think of serious health effects. for some people who drink, and drink too much, too fast, or maybe just too often, those things also come to mind when they reflect on the night they spent hunched over the toilet.
tonight, my roommates went out for the second night in a row this week. they went to a house party which was to be followed by a trip to the bars downtown. however, one of the three of them has to work tomorrow (or i guess later today, now), training another individual, from 7am to 2pm. at this very moment, she is lying in her clothes, in the fetal position, with her head dangling over the side of the bed so her vomit can fall into the bucket on the floor. i haven't really been witness to many people in their "recovery" stages after drinking, so i wanted to be sure that she was alright. after bringing her some water and handing her the bucket, she told me that i must think she's disgusting, and that i must hate her. she believes she doesn't deserve to be helped. i found it most intriguing that she, i guess only somewhat conscious that i was there beside her, would briefly make comments that sounded as if she was talking to herself: why do you do this to yourself? this isn't fun.
i don't feel particularly negative towards individuals that drink til they puke and go to excess when they know the consequences. more, i don't understand them. i never enjoyed vomitting, the few times i can specifically remember doing it. i definitely didn't enjoy the spins i had while i was trying to sleep that one night that i was really drunk. i could live without ever feeling the headache and nausea i endured on the bus ride back from montreal the next morning. that being said, i suppose it is human that people get carried away, or get lost in the moment, and lose track of how much they are drinking and how quickly.
i just hope that if my roommate is dealing with more deeply seated issues that were drowned with alcohol tonight, that she can find someone to talk to about them. and soon.
tonight, my roommates went out for the second night in a row this week. they went to a house party which was to be followed by a trip to the bars downtown. however, one of the three of them has to work tomorrow (or i guess later today, now), training another individual, from 7am to 2pm. at this very moment, she is lying in her clothes, in the fetal position, with her head dangling over the side of the bed so her vomit can fall into the bucket on the floor. i haven't really been witness to many people in their "recovery" stages after drinking, so i wanted to be sure that she was alright. after bringing her some water and handing her the bucket, she told me that i must think she's disgusting, and that i must hate her. she believes she doesn't deserve to be helped. i found it most intriguing that she, i guess only somewhat conscious that i was there beside her, would briefly make comments that sounded as if she was talking to herself: why do you do this to yourself? this isn't fun.
i don't feel particularly negative towards individuals that drink til they puke and go to excess when they know the consequences. more, i don't understand them. i never enjoyed vomitting, the few times i can specifically remember doing it. i definitely didn't enjoy the spins i had while i was trying to sleep that one night that i was really drunk. i could live without ever feeling the headache and nausea i endured on the bus ride back from montreal the next morning. that being said, i suppose it is human that people get carried away, or get lost in the moment, and lose track of how much they are drinking and how quickly.
i just hope that if my roommate is dealing with more deeply seated issues that were drowned with alcohol tonight, that she can find someone to talk to about them. and soon.
Monday, September 1, 2008
yes, real change in washington
i almost fell off of my chair when i saw the news bit announcing john mccain's selection for his vice presidential running mate. a woman! not just a woman, but a young, inexperienced woman!
i got the feeling, immediately, that this choice reflected the desperation mccain feels to appeal to the masses. we all know that there were people backing hillary rodham clinton - about 18 million, at least - but did he ever consider the reasons they might have supported her versus any other woman? she does have experience, connections, history, and an agenda. palin does not.
it goes to show how twisted politics can get. i don't honestly believe that john mccain chose palin because he thought that she'd be a good president if the need should arise - hell, she apparently doesn't know exactly what the vice president is supposed to do - but because she might give him an edge with former hillary supporters. mccain obviously would have chosen hillary herself if it hadn't been such a conflict of interest. he clearly doesn't see the irony in choosing palin. she is even more a manifestation of the qualities he criticised obama for: inexperienced and young.
in my mind, this move on the part of the republicans should surely give democrats an advantage. but, the american people are fickle. as much as there are some who might criticise voters for being swayed by celebrity endorsement of candidates, there will be some - i guarantee it - who will now be swayed to vote republican because there is a woman on the ticket. do these people even read biographies? do they even watch any of their debates? do they inform themselves at all prior to casting their ballot? it's questionnable. but the fate of the free world lies in their hands.
god save america
i got the feeling, immediately, that this choice reflected the desperation mccain feels to appeal to the masses. we all know that there were people backing hillary rodham clinton - about 18 million, at least - but did he ever consider the reasons they might have supported her versus any other woman? she does have experience, connections, history, and an agenda. palin does not.
it goes to show how twisted politics can get. i don't honestly believe that john mccain chose palin because he thought that she'd be a good president if the need should arise - hell, she apparently doesn't know exactly what the vice president is supposed to do - but because she might give him an edge with former hillary supporters. mccain obviously would have chosen hillary herself if it hadn't been such a conflict of interest. he clearly doesn't see the irony in choosing palin. she is even more a manifestation of the qualities he criticised obama for: inexperienced and young.
in my mind, this move on the part of the republicans should surely give democrats an advantage. but, the american people are fickle. as much as there are some who might criticise voters for being swayed by celebrity endorsement of candidates, there will be some - i guarantee it - who will now be swayed to vote republican because there is a woman on the ticket. do these people even read biographies? do they even watch any of their debates? do they inform themselves at all prior to casting their ballot? it's questionnable. but the fate of the free world lies in their hands.
god save america
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