brain storm

when was the last time i had a moment of complete and utter tranquility? when my mind was still and the only thing that persisted was the constant lub dub of my beating heart and the intermittant rush hush of my gentle breath. my mind has been filled with thoughts every moment. i've been running on autopilot with the radio blaring. i don't escape them, except in sleep, and that is only after the exhaustion drugs me up enough to dull the mangled noises to a low static hum.

do you ever wonder what it would sound like to listen to all your thoughts at once? people would probably think i was literally psychotic. i have conversations with myself about pros and cons. sometimes i sing to myself. sometimes i yell at myself. sometimes i yell at other people. i always found meditation difficult because i would struggle so much to put all my mental calls on hold. too many things to say or think or do, i always felt like i needed to be processing something.

even now, there is self-ridicule for "wasting" time. can time be wasted? i mean, it is immaterial and belongs to no one. it cannot be stopped, or rewound, or replayed; it is not available on dvd. a friend of mine told me that i should not be in such a rush to do things: "it wouldn't be the end of the world if you didn't have a plan," he said. no, it wouldn't. but, there are things that i want to do. so many things, actually. i just want to get it all in, while i can enjoy it, and while i can remember it, and while i can share it with some of the people i love. because, the fickle thing about time is that it brings 'presents' that you don't get the option of returning. this is a final sale.

so, i am always planning and replanning, and thinking and rethinking, so that i can figure out a way to get it all in. sometimes i feel like the hours slip away from me. i love the statement, "i don't know where the day has disappeared to"; i use it often. there are evenings when i sit and wonder whether i actually got all 24 hours that day. it's not like i'm keeping track, but i'd like to think i'm getting my part of the time share. i know i said that i was going to consciously try to be whatever i am. i'm guessing that includes being a 3/8 perfectionist, 1/4 worry-wart, 1/8 mama bear, 1/16 total spazz, 1/8 sugar and spice, and 1/16 child of the universe. my personal recipe for twenty-something girl without a clue how to live carefree and content.

don't get me wrong, i get to be happy sometimes; but, i've been finding those times don't last that long. another phase, perhaps.