a grasp on reality

growing up i never would have thought that i would be hearing about the impending divorce of my parents. especially after 26 years. but, i suppose this is not a rare occurrence anymore. and, i should be grateful because often couples that choose to do this are much happier apart than together.

over the course of the past couple of weeks i have had the opportunity to speak one-on-one with both of my parents about their marriage. both acknowledge that an end is near. my mom actually admitted that she is in therapy, and before her next appointment her "homework" is to see the lawyer to begin the process.

i feel a strange mixture of feelings, although none of them sadness. i suppose you really would have had to be a part of my family life during the past ten years to understand the relief that accompanies this news, for me. in addition, i feel proud of my mom, that she is finally standing up for herself again and listening to what she knows is best for herself instead of being swayed by her parents, her in-laws, or anyone else. finally, i feel a sense of gratitude. i won't have to deal with the awkward silences, the lack of affection, the hostility and polite yet strained smiles, or the phony family portrait that we tend to form at the holidays.

i would not have anticipated how calmly both seem to be entering into this phase of their relationship. i didn't think that two people who had lived together for over a quarter of a century could be so indifferent to parting ways. i guess, i'm realising exactly how far apart they have grown (if they really were that close at all to begin with).

always, always, when i reflect on my parent's relationship i try to take it with a grain of salt. i try to learn from it. i try to remember all of the things that i do not want in a relationship of my own.

all you need is love

oh my. sometimes i just don't understand the human tendency to need to feel needed.

i got online last night to check-up on my sister and ended up speaking to a friend that i made while working at a part-time job in high school. he is, just as he was then, a very nice man. we find similarities in our appreciation of music and spiritual fulfillment. our conversations often deal with the goings-on in our lives, and sometimes more. but, with his job driving transport trucks and my student life, we don't usually get many opportunities to chat.

last night he was in a rather somber mood. after some of the niceties, we ended up settling into one of his favourite topics: his love life, or lack thereof.

being completely honest, i think he has a lot to bring to the table. despite the fact that his career is not some white collar profession, he works hard. he's one of the gentlest people i know. he's thoughtful and generous. he's funny. he's extremely genuine, and sensitive to the needs of others. he can even sing and play instruments, which is usually a huge turn-on for me. the reason that i've never considered a relationship with him is because we've never had our personal goals aligned. i'm not bothered by the age difference (about ten years) but i was moving in a totally different direction than he was.

at any rate, i told him that i had been attracted to him in the past. the objective of the comment was to (a) reinforce that he is attractive to the opposite sex and (b) that within this context i was reassuring him that his lack of relationship now may be a consequence of just not being in the "right place, at the right time" with someone. unfortunately, he commented that he's always found me pretty, and that i've challenged him mentally... so, i'm slightly concerned that i've now given him some reason to expect that if i find myself 'moving in his direction' so to speak that we'll start something.

i just don't understand why we feel so incomplete without being in relationships. but, i wish him every happiness. i hope some woman truly realises his special qualities. until then, may he be content in further developing his friendships.