mystic eye by alex grey

why are we afraid?

fear. it might be one of the biggest obstacles that we face on a regular basis in our lives. fear makes us do things we don't want to do. fear keeps us from doing things that we actually want to do. fear of life. fear of death. fear of failure. fear of rejection. fear of love. fear of loss.

but why are we afriad? what is so frightening about life, death, failure, rejection, love or loss? it might be a far-fetched idea, but i'm pretty sure that the world would not end if we experienced any of these things (except perhaps death, and that would be individual, and would likely depend on your personal beliefs and whether in fact there is an afterlife - but a completely different discussion). in other words, what do we have to suffer other than a little discomfort? why does that have the ability, this fear of discomfort, then, to keep us from trying to obtain something really great?

i know that it was my mother's fear of her own father's disappointment that kept her from pursuing veterinary medicine. she wanted to work with animals but when she was 17, graduating as one of five children in a working-class family, her father told her that it would get her nowhere. my grandfather wanted to play violin. his passion was music. but, his own father told him that music could not pay the bills or put food on the table. so he gave up his dream and became a mechanic. in canada, he worked as a janitor in the halls of the university of western ontario. when he died, they lowered the flags to half mast. my grandmother has a fifth grade education. she never learned how to drive. she still asks me every once in a while to read more detailed mail to her and explain what it means. she worked with produce at national grocers. instead of going to university, my mom worked for the canadian national railway. she worked with her hands, and she worked as hard as she could with the skills she gained along the way. even now, after having stayed at home to raise three daughters, her high school diploma earned her a spot in her father's footsteps - as a janitor at sir frederick banting high school. she doesn't resent her father, nor does she blame him. but i suppose every once in a while she wonders to herself about how her life might have turned out had she chosen a different path; if she hadn't been afraid to follow her dreams.

but, all this talk of "following your dreams" sounds so hollywood, right? everyone can't hit it big, and everyone can't make big money. some people actually can't do what they dream of doing. ok, earth to dream girl. come in donner. i refuse to believe that trying to achieve your deepest desires in life will bring you unhappiness. i acknowledge only that there may be physical limitations that keep us from achieving our goals, but i don't think that anyone that has ever given 100% effort has been truly discontent with the outcome.

are we afraid of what other people might think of us? are we afriad to be seen as weak, or vulnerable, or broken, or needy? news flash: we are all weak, vulnerable, broken, and needy. i'm learning more about myself every day, and in that learning more about how i've pushed people away so that they couldn't witness those misgivings. but, do those moments of insecurity, paranoia, doubt, anger, sadness, or depression make me any less human? of course not! they make me more human. i've appreciated the friends and family of mine that have been around in the past, especially the last 10 months, that have been privy to all aspects of me, and loved me still.

get caught in the rain

one of the simplest pleasures in life is getting caught in the rain.

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you're much too far from your destination to bother trying to run, because you're going to get wet either way. you don't even bother taking out your umbrella - in the small chance that you brought one with you - because walking through the puddles is sufficient to soak your pants up to the knees. you need to take off your glasses because so many raindrops are hitting them that it's like driving in a storm without windshield wipers.

but every pore of your body feels cleansed because every inch of you is soaked through with heaven's tears. i can never help but smile and laugh when i walk in the rain. i always feel so good. and it usually ends with stripping off the sodden clothing and getting bundled up. i usually get really drowsy, too, which makes for wonderful naps.

-

if you get the chance, go get caught in the rain this summer. it's beautiful.

the revolution is now

zeitgeist - the movie

watch it. it will be two hours of your time well spent. if nothing else, i hope you question your own motives.

teddy left behind

"quiet. be still," teddy said,
"they'll find us if you speak.
you must not make a single sound,
or make the floor boards creak.

we're winning this game of mice and men.
we're most ingeniusly concealed.
but, if your patience doesn't last,
we'll surely be revealed."

so john stood still in the shadowed hall,
silent, and cleverly hidden.
he was afraid that if he made a noise
he'd never be forgiven.

teddy told him what to do.
teddy told him what to say.
teddy told him when to pick a fight.
teddy told him when to play.

teddy used to make john happy.
teddy was john's best friend.
but, lately john had been thinking
that their friendship soon must end.

the happiness was empty now,
and increasingly shortlived.
john knew somewhere deep inside
he didn't want what teddy had to give.

slowly, john put teddy down
upon the wooden floor.
"what are you doing?" teddy asked.
john said, "i don't need you anymore."

"silly boy, of course you do,"
teddy whispered with a sneer,
"without me you're nothing;
you'd simply disappear."

"that's not true," john replied,
"i can make it without you.
i'm a real boy with my own mind;
i can choose what i say and do.

i'll show you how much stronger
i am now than i was before.
i'll turn my back and walk away,
and leave you on the floor."

teddy snarled, "you're such a fool!
or can't you see? i am all you know.
you're too afraid, you're too weak,
to turn around and go."

but john said not another word.
he took a breath to keep him steady.
he stood up tall, his chin held high;
he was finally ready.

toward the light john turned then -
teddy's rule over him was done -
and slowly, but excitedly,
he walked out into the sun.

today

at this moment i hope for freedom from the past; perhaps only then might i live completely in the present.

ahh, a variety of people

i hope we don't take for granted how wonderful it is to have a variety of people in our lives. not that canada isn't also somewhat of a melting pot, but i mean "variety" in a number of different ways. in my own life i know people from several religions, many ethnicities, numerous life circumstances, and - in university - a whole range of majors.

this last sense of variety is what this particular post is about. last night i had a bunch of friends over for homemade pizza and frozen yogurt. following the meal we had a few drinks and played cranium. as people started milling out around 11pm or so, i got into a discussion about obama, clinton, mccain, gore, and the state of american politics in general with two political science majors. one of the guys i know well, the other was his roommate.

i don't think that you need to know everything, or even anything, about a topic in order to have a good conversation about it; however, it is nice to hear the informed perspective of people who are abreast of the subject at hand. last night was exceedingly entertaining, warm, and thought provoking.

thank you to my friends.

a pet peeve

i don't know of many things that really truly get under my skin, but i've experienced one recently.

i don't like it when people ask me why i am not dating anyone.

how could i possibly answer that question? are they even expecting an answer, or is it rhetorical? in which case, why would you ask it to my face, in a public place, surrounded by family and friends, while my cousin gets married. i can't completely explain why my first long term relationship didn't work. i only really understand my side of the story. since then i haven't reall been putting myself out there so to speak. i've been studying most of the time, and spending my leisure hours with female friends or with guy friends that i have known too long to be attracted to.

am i supposed to take it as a compliment when i'm told that it is a surprise that i am not "taken," given all of my apparent attributes? can't i just be happily single instead of in-between-relationships?

i don't understand why all eligible women must be dating eligible men. i can't deny the fact that i'd actually enjoy a date here or there. it would be nice to meet someone that i can talk to and be intimate with in a different way than with my friends. but, make no mistake - i am not looking. it's enough that my little sister has just started her first "official" relationship (meaning that the last guy she saw never called her his girlfriend). i look forward to supporting her through all of the stages, such as meeting the parents a couple of weeks ago. it's fun to watch someone go through the newness and awkwardness that accompanies dating someone for the first time. my older sister has more drama than a soap opera, and listening to her is enough to keep me away from men for a while.

it just really irks me that some people believe you can only feel fulfilled when you are dating/married.

take an idea and run with it

i'm rather happy to say that i have been able to stay in touch with at least one of my high school teachers. high school is a very interesting time when you're actually making the transition between being a child and being an adult. teachers that witness this stage of your life are rather forgiving in that they allow you to make some of the social faux pas involved in your entrance into adulthood - such as flirting.

if you've been able to maintain a relationship with any past teacher, from any stage of your education, it is likely that that person had a profound effect on you in some way, perhaps influencing your career choice or supporting you in your personal life. mine is my grade 12 biology teacher. i always admired his charisma and his dedication to teaching. he was far from conventional in his methods. i specifically remember his showing us a slideshow that he put together. it was images of animals and cells and other life forms and processes. the soundtrack included "ground control to major tom" by david bowie, and "eye in the sky" by alan parsons project. on remembrance day of that year, he played bob dylans' "masters of war" and mounted the lyrics on the overhead.

evidently, mr.maclellan (john, though i can't comfortable call him that to his face despite the many times he has asked me to) has been supportive of my scholastic endeavours. more than that, he's supported me as a person. so, in return i thought i would post his website here.

part of his unconventional teaching included magnets. he was just starting to expand while i was his student, but since then has covered his classroom with sheet metal and all manner of colourful cut outs and posters. what amazes and moves me most is that he did almost all of this with his own money. now, he's started a business that has distributed over 300 units to canada and the u.s., and has recently made a transaction with a company in australia. his company is called virtmac, which stands for Visual Interactive Revolutionary Tactile Magnetic Classroom. don't ask me; i didn't come up with it.

good luck, john.

to the ones i no longer know

i don't think that we make friends with any plans in mind about how long we will know them or how well they will know us. we don't set out a list of names of our lifelong buddies and assume that everyone else fits into the category of "suits a purpose". however, i think most of us understand that not every best friend from kindergarten will be there when we graduate from university, and not every little league teammate will see us fall in love for the last time. in other words i think we all know that some people come into our lives and remain a part of our meandering journey while others are just passersby.

i've been somewhat sad recently thinking about some of the people that i knew well at one point who have now become strangers to me: girls that i got to know when i was in grade 1 and 2 at my first elementary school; a boy, jordan, from my childhood who had mental and physical handicaps and who happened to be one of the most brutally honest and beautiful people i have ever met; teachers that i befriended, especially my french teacher in grade 5, mrs. erickson; guys that i met in grade 7, who had so much to learn about themselves but who were enjoying - or at least making the most of - their social awkwardness.

more than anything i regret the few times that i made promises of friendship that have now dissipated into whispers of the past. i suppose you can't really know how the world will turn out when you pledge unfailing loyalty to your best friend at 13, but i should have known better when i was 19. i told yazan that i wouldn't be one of those people that walked out of his life. i promised him that i wasn't the kind of person that shut someone out of my life. i broke my promise to him, and coincidentally eaten my words in a separate but equally distressing situation.

why does this happen? why are we able to feel so connected to some people and then find ourselves with nothing in common a short few years later? i'm sorry to the people i have lost contact with. i am sorry to all of the friends that i told i would always be there for. i'm most sorry to my first love that i wasn't open enough to feel all of the emotions involved in our changing relationship. i never meant to hurt any one of you. i did love you all, each in your own right, in my own way. i suppose it was just the wind that took us in different directions. i hope you're all well.

a champion of every cause?

while eating breakfast this morning, i started perusing several of the articles in the Guelph Tribune. i'm not usually a newspaper reader, and i shock myself and how infrequently i revisit world issues and current events. sometimes i get overwhelmed between knowing when to focus on global affairs and when to stay local. at any rate, i was touched by three different articles. in my opinion these pieces were well written in the sense that all three riled me up and made me want to get involved. since i recognize the opportunity to use this medium as a tool to that end, i thought i would mention them.

the first - "making guelph a better place"

this was an editorial written concerning the incidence of accidental death and increasing neglect of residents in nursing homes in ontario. as a priveleged canadian, i have known all four of my grandparents as well as one great-grandmother. i am grateful every day at the opportunity to have been exposed to such a wealth of knowledge and experience, and a font of wisdom and courage. i cherish the time i have spent with all of them. despite the fact that my two remaining grandmothers still live on their own, i take this issue to heart.

it is unfortunate that some people treat their elderly as past-their-prime. i know individuals who literally only see their grandparents at christmas. what a shame. you must not realise what a beautiful relationship you are missing out on. but, i cannot underestimate how difficult it might be to see grandparents who don't know who you are due to age or disease related memory loss. i don't know how it feels to watch grandparents that must be on oxygen tanks, or move in wheelchairs, or live without site. many elderly who are in this position are placed in nursing homes for the care and compassion that we expect that they will receive. and that is the issue at hand - are they getting it.

apparently one of the big obstacles to providing standardized care to patients in these facilities is the increasing prevalence of mental health issues and severe physical limitations. we need more staff to care for residents. we need better training for staff. we need more money for both.

i hope people start realising that when we invest in our past we are actually investing in our own future. we set the precedent for our own treatment. don't you hope to receive the proper attention, medical care, respect, and dignity?

note: i have a special place in my heart for mental health issues. as an aspiring doctor i find that health encompasses total wellness, which can be affected by physical and psychological well-being. i see the stigma of mental health issues, and i am even still fighting my own prejudices. it is not a simple matter, but one i think deserves attention.

the second - "fairness the reason"

another editorial. this time, about why guelph greens are going door to door right now. apparently green party of canada leader elizabeth may is currently not seated as a member of the televised leaders debates. i'm not usually that interested in politics, especially canadian politics, but since my excitement about the 2008 presidential race in the usa, i've become more aware of just how odd our politics are.

how can we possibly justify not giving the green party leader, who is a viable option in every province, an opportunity to speak in a national forum but we give that opportunity to the bloc quebecois leader, who only speaks to the residents of one province. i don't get it. but maybe i just don't understand these issues. nevertheless, i think this is an injustice, and a smack in the face for anyone who believes in the idea of a democratic society.

the third - "no easy way out of the energy crisis"

a column article this time. alan pickersgill addresses our half-committment to making changes concerning our energy usage today. he identifies current affairs at GM in detroit, the UN conference in rome, and discussions about improvements to the hanlon in guelph and a GTA west transportation corridor. the part that stood out the most to me, as being effective in pursuit of communicating a message, was:

"Everyone wants to go to heaven, but no one wants to die. Lots of people want to save the environment without giving up the creature comforts that are killing it. We can't have it both ways."

obviously the health of the environment has always been a concern, but it seems to be getting more and more attention with the energy efficent appliances, hybrid cars, concentrated laundry detergent (that allegedly make their contribution by using less plastic for packaging), and earth hour lights off projects. but, i have noticed that many of the people getting environmental consciences are realising how much poor management of our resources is finally costing us. at the same time, they don't understand that sometimes you need to spend a lot to get a lot, as with retrofitting of campus buildings with high efficiency insulation and ventilation systems that reduce energy usage and cost over the long term. i admire the bull ring pub who uses recycled paper products, encourages reusable mugs, buys much of their produce locally, and powers the building solely on wind energy. i've seen some of the wind fields going up in huron and bruce counties. i think they're beautiful. but even if i didn't, i could deal with their addition to the landscape if it meant my children won't all get melanoma before the age of 12 due to overexposure to damaging UV light.


anyways, my long post was more an appeasement of my own thoughts i suppose. it's nice to have someone to discuss with, but sometimes you're sans companion at the most inopportune times.

sunshine and a black demoncratic presidential candidate

today is a good day.

i'm not taking into account any of the anxiety and fears associated with the test that i am going to write a week from today, or the concern over how to make time for all of the extended family that will be visiting next weekend, or figuring out why my body is still off-balance. rather, i am only thinking about how beautifully warm and sunny it is outside and how barack obama has finally won the democratic nomination.

throughout this primary campaign, there have been women of colour in public office, hollywood, and social esteem who have supported barack obama and been questioned. they've been accused of turning on their sisters and neglecting their responsibility to their sex to put forth a united voice. why must a woman choose between her colour and her gender? why do people make it seem like that is all black women are using as a basis for their decision of which candidate to support? you're sorely mistaken if you think women will get women elected if they're only justification is, "she's a woman."

i was reading some stories on CNN.com just now, and i came across an article by the feminist daughter of pulitzer prize-winning author alice walker. even as a woman, i tend not to read or listen to works by self-proclaimed "feminists" as i have found in the past that the word is misused. typically these women do not seek equality, but rather superiority, and as such have an inflated and distorted image of females today. however, i found this particular writing to be very refreshing. i thought that her discourse on the necessity of women to now rally behind barack obama to be insightful and uplifting. i especially liked how her thoughts parallel obama's platform in "the necessity of ending divisiveness and relying more on the human capacity for openness as a baseline for true progress".

my favourite part? the title: best woman for the job could be a man.

a struggle with words

sometimes i find that fiction can provide some worthwhile lessons for real life. i remember specifically from one movie, called finding forrester, that the writer instructs his protege to begin typing one of the writer's own published works until the words flow freely from the young man instead. i've been struggling a great deal with the writing section of my test. i thought that this would be the easiest part for me, given that i actually enjoy composing. so, i am trying to take that advice and at least get my fingers in the rhythm of hitting those keys and my mind in the rhythm of accessing and processing.

i admit that i am not all that articulate without my dictionary and thesaurus. i just feel that there are often words that more accurately describe what i want to say. i also have a tendancy to enjoy verbosity. i don't intend that my writing appear inflated or presumptuous, but i like the way it sounds when things flow in a melodic way, and sometimes "big" words flow better than smaller ones. one of my problems is also feeling the need to edit and re-edit as i write. i assess previous sentences before i even have the opportunity to finish my original thought. i don't know exactly why that is, but i am going to have to break that habit quickly.

i've never liked writing timed essays but i know that i definitely cannot afford to remain disliking them if i intend to write them well. i need to be open-minded and creative instead. but, it is difficult to be that way when you must follow instructions and write about pre-determined topics, especially ones unrelated to my field of interest. i'm finding that the most common theme in the writing samples is politics.

i need to start practicing seeing things from two different perspectives. it is easy to give in to bias and prejudice. but, i can't do that. i need to see things for what they are and allow myself to imagine how the two differeing perspectives can be united in some way. my dear. this will be a challenge.

take me home

i have been having an overwhelming urge to go home. i want to be in that place of childhood memories and mishaps. i want to be surrounded by people that i know and love. i just want to be able to sit in silence with them, while the tv is flashing lights, or rain is falling outside, or the dogs are napping, and just feel that warmth that can only come from true familiarity.

more now than before i appreciate how important it is to make time for each individual in my life. as much as having "family time" is good, it is nice to have "mom time," and "sister time," and "nonna time." these people all need to be listened to, and to be shown that i appreciate them listening to me as well. as much as our society has bred a generation of social butterflies, we all still get intimidated or overwhelmed by so many faces. sometimes, it is nice to have one-on-one time with a family member.

i especially enjoy spending time with my grandmothers. when i've done this in the past, i have often left having learned something about their history: their lives before coming to canada; their lives after the war; their early family; and so much more. i know that i have been blessed with the opportunity to have even met my grandparents, let alone have close relationships with them. i try not to take their wisdom, and special understanding for granted. they are particularly forgiving, and particularly loving. i actually feel sorry for people who have not been able to experience such a wonderous presence in their own lives.

that being said, i am sure that people realise that they can be that presence in someone else's life. just showing someone that you care, by calling randomly on a wednesday afternoon, or sending a card inscribed with "just because," or walking straight up to that person the next time you see them, and, before saying anything at all, just give them a hug.

i am not trying to preach. i have struggled with showing my affection and appreciation for my family and even close friends. i need to make a constant effort to remember that this is important. however, i do know what makes me feel loved and wanted. and i thought i might share it.