sometimes, the more i know the less i want to know

do you ever find out about something, like the status of a community program, or that a nurse has been let go from a health clinic near you, or that your friend cannot get the counselling that she needs - despite her taking the semester off of school to finally face her issues head on - for the simple fact that she is no longer considered a student, and begin feeling like the world is turning to shit? maybe that's not exactly what i'm feeling. i haven't lost hope that it can be better, and i know that i can be an active part in the change i wish to see. but, i start thinking bigger and bigger and get overwhelmed.

i can't do everything. although, i desperately want to. i cannot.

tonight i went to a "townhall meeting" for student affairs at the university. i received emails from three different groups that i am affiliated with, encouraging me to go. so, when i showed up i expected that there would be a great number of people there. there were less than 20.

the meeting was a discussion about the massive deficit that the university is in right now, and the budget cuts and restructuring that will need to occur in order for pressure to be lightened on the university central spending. these changes involve ending programs, including the one that i am currently in. as soon as this coming fall it may no longer be possible to enroll in toxicology (environmental or biomedical) at the university of guelph. the infant care program was cut. a nursing position was cut from student health services. other positions, programs, and services will continue to be cut over the next few years until the university breaks even.

with such grave consequences for some programs, and for the impact this could have on student life, tuition, and quality of experience, i was shocked and outraged that there weren't more people present. as soon as i left i wanted to run through campus, screaming, "students, get your heads out of your asses and open your eyes to what is happening!" i was so let down that more people were not concerned enough about their own education to come and hear about what the higher-ups are planning to do about this deficit.

but instead, i came home and had a drink. so many thoughts were flying through my head. how can i get involved? how can i learn more? how can i make sure student programming doesn't suffer, especially that which has become dear to me - counselling services. i know too many people who have needed emotional support and guidance in the past three years to feel ok about letting a service like personal counselling go to the wayside. i just want to make it all better, make sure everyone gets what they need, and make sure that everyone who needs a voice gets one. but, all of this cannot be my responsibility. it is too much. i already know that i spread myself too thin with my commitments, and i don't want to make promises that i cannot keep. but someone must be there, to do this work. i just got very sad and angry tonight, because i realised that very few people are willing to do it.

(unknown)

... so i just put my arms around you and i hope that i would do no wrong...

why has it taken so long?

why has is taken so long for americans, or even north americans in general, to face some of the truths of the present day? the economy is in ruin. the environment is suffering. people are still hungry, sick, and dying. we are at war with our neighbours. this is not a position anyone wants to be in, and in order to get out of it we need to take action.

people has asked me why i so fervently support barack obama and the democratic ticket for office of the president this year, and i can say nothing but that he makes me believe that people are still willing to learn from mistakes and try to make a change for the better.

for clarification: i do not think he has all the solutions to the energy crisis; i do not think that he will be willing to put the middle east at peace in a day; i do not think that he will care for all americans in the way that they desire. however, i am inspired by his openness, and his authenticity. i feel that he is prepared to take criticism, research, ask questions, and make mistakes in order for him to move forward. he has more progressive ideas about alternative energy plans, lowering greenhouse gas emissions, and redirecting market wealth back to the united states. he has said that every measure of diplomacy must be exercised before we engage in conflict with our neighbours, and that talking is important in conflict resolution. additionally, talking is important to avoid conflict in the first place. finally, he believes in justice and fairness, and the right of every individual to basic necessities, and even more, including opportunity to develop oneself.

if barack obama had been a white man, there would be no question who would be winning this election in november. i honestly believe that. but, if obama was white, i wouldn't like him any more than i already do. he could be an indo-chinese woman for all i care. he has the ideas and the attitude that i think international politics needs right now. it's not really as though they'd be doing anything special by electing him. there are already black leaders elsewhere in the world. there are women who run countries. there are even people of religious affiliations that are not christian... oh my word.

it is time to move forward. finally.

the upside of anger

while chatting with a man that i met on the internet this afternoon, i came upon quite a deep seated question: what makes people less giving of themselves in relationships? the question was sparked by the man with whom i was speaking. he said that he was just dumped by his girlfriend of two years, and he was never going to get as involved again because he got hurt this time. this kind of reaction begs the question, do people become poor partners (less emotionally available, less considerate, less faithful, etc.) because they experienced pain in past relationships?

i asked the man whether he felt that he had learned anything from his breakups. he told me that he had, and emphasized that it was more from the relationships than from the breakups. despite the fact that he is now really only interested in casual and no-strings-attached sex, he said that he learned that sex isn't the most important thing, but learning that being together takes work. suffice it to say i was rather touched by his honesty.

i hope that everyone, once they have gotten through the ice cream and kleenex, or whiskey and beer, or the sulking, or whatever they must do to grieve the ending of a relationship, come to the conclusion that they learned someone in it, or from it. i know that one of the many things i took away from my last relationship was the awareness and love of my own body. it may have started to spite him, for my own silent revenge, but, i began to understand what i wanted and needed to really feel satisfied, not only sexually, but emotionally.

so, at least for the small things that we can walk away with, let us be grateful for all relationships that don't last.