a crack in my foundation

every once in a while i stop and think about how i feel. i try to really listen to the thoughts in my head, but also to the emotion that crests and troughs with every beat of my heart.

i can't remember where or when i heard the following, but there was someone who said that when you realise that you're happy, you're not happy anymore. i don't think that that is entirely true, but there is some truth to it. more, i think, in the sense that when you think about the things that make you happy, you also unwittingly end up searching for the holes.

i wouldn't lie to others or myself by saying that i've been a very happy person over the past couple of years. i think that i've had good times, and i've experienced joyful things, but in general i've been waiting for a time beyond this one. although unfortunate, i feel as though i have often lived my life in anticipation of the next thing to come. there is always something outside of my reach. it's not a bad thing, if that thing is a goal. goals and aspirations can drive us to work hard and achieve things physically, mentally, and emotionally that we don't necessarily believe that we can. but, i think my anticipation is of a different sense of being. i imagine that each new chapter in my life will bring me a greater sense of peace, with the person that i am in that moment and with the people have i have been in the past.

this morning i came to the conclusion that some people from my past do not have a harmonious place in my present. i think that is a result of my own shortcomings, an inability to forget perhaps, or maybe a reluctance to forgive them for moving on without me. some people in my life have been trapped in a role in my mind, and when they break out of it, i no longer understand how to integrate them into my world. i hope one day i'll learn. i hope one day i can see all of the people from my past and genuinely wish them well.

for now, they are just the cracks in my foundation.