lend me your ear and i'll sing you a song

did you know that you have ingrained yourself into certain memories of mine? i haven't been able to listen to the decemberists, or joni mitchell, or radiohead without thinking of you. i cannot look at particular alex grey paintings without thinking of you. i cannot ride a bike or see others riding without thinking of you. i especially cannot walk in the dark without thinking of you.

you told me once that i would stop imagining you in my dreams, and in my sexual fantasies. i will eventually stop associating sex and pleasure with you. i will eventually stop seeing your face when i think of my life in the future. i will eventually stop needing and wanting you. but, do you think i will ever completely stop loving you?

i've never purposefully cut someone out of my life, the way i have cut you out of mine. i always thought that our friendship prior to our relationship was one built on mutual trust, and respect, and philial love. i never thought i would make an enemy of anyone that i was involved with romantically - not to say that that is what we are right now. but, no one would argue that we're not best friends at the moment either. i find it difficult to imagine that i once had such a close bond with you, and now i do not speak to you at all.

i do not hate you. i do not blame you. i do not resent you. however, i am saddened by you. one of the only things that i really wanted between us was honesty, and you did not give me that. no, there was deceit, and there was betrayal. and, there was pain for both of us. so now, i hold mixed and sometimes confused feelings in my heart. a small part of me wants to run to you now, go to you and confess to all of the loneliness i have felt without you. that part of me wants to lay it all out on the table, even with the risk of rejection and resentment, and beg you to forgive me and try again to be that special person in my life. but, another small part of me also wants to keep this distance that i have established. that part of me hopes that you're realising that i am not that needy, young innocent that you dallied with. i will not be fooled again, i will not be used again, and i will not be walked all over again. i did not deserve it the first time, and i would be damned to put myself into a similar situation again.

so, i stay inactive. by default that means that i ignore and avoid you. that's probably for the best. i do not know whether i would have the strength to turn away from you. i'll try to get on with my life. i'll try to meet someone new. i will try to be happy, and fulfilled, and at peace without you. yet, i wish you knew that it hasn't been easy for me. somehow i think that information might help you to understand just how much you did mean to me.