ahh, the kiss

has anyone ever told you that it is all in the kiss? there is a song by the chiffons called "in his kiss" that alleges that if you want to know whether your man loves you then you'll find it in his kiss. i'm sure there are many other songs, and books, and art (like this one), that all seem to convey the message that love can be felt through a kiss.

but, is that a completely objective method of gauging someone else's emotions? of course not. i mean, when we kissed i thought that it was wonderful sometimes, and flat others. we weren't always slow and sensual. sometimes we were rough. sometimes we were passionate. sometimes we were too tired or distracted. but, the variability in the kisses we shared gave me comfort. it made me reflect on how our relationship also changed: sometimes we were quiet together; sometimes we talked each others' ears off; sometimes we were bored with each other. we had, what i believed at the time at least, to be a functional relationship.

the key word is functional. even love needs work. the only way that love wouldn't need work is possibly when people are in a bubble, like during a honeymoon, or a first date, or lost in the ecstasy of physical intimacy. the two people don't allow the outside to permeate their thoughts and burden their hearts. there is only one thing to know and one thing to hold on to: that love. so, knowing that we were not in a bubble, and knowing that we were humans and fallible, i thought that we did a pretty good job of staying connected.

but, in hindsight, knowing all of the things that you kept from me, and all of the times that i poured out my heart and let myself be weak and vulnerable and you did not reciprocate, i realise that there must have also been lies in your kisses. so, i wonder whether you made me think i felt love. did you pretend? perhaps i have not yet felt that "in his kiss" phenomenon. as much as that is unfortunate (considering that i had intended to marry you), i suppose that is actually something that i can look forward to. thank you, i guess, for not taking that "first" from me as well.