to do or not to do, and the advice that i got

i've been thinking about you a lot. i wonder whether you underestimate the place you held in my life. although, truthfully, if you did understand exactly what you meant to me, and how i felt about you, would you still have acted in the way that you did?

but, you're still on my mind; less so now than before, which is a relief, but still. and, i start to wonder whether i should do something, say something, even send something, to let you know that. i know that i feel really good when someone sends something my way that let me knows that they are thinking of me. but, what would you do with that information?

would you rub it in my face that you're seeing someone right now, and that you don't need me to interfere with a healthy relationship? would you not respond, and ignore any attempt i made to contact you, because you were hurt that i stopped talking to you in the first place? would you be cruel and criticize me for not fitting into your image of me? or would you say that you missed me, and wanted to see me, or get back together? i don't know whether i could deny you, and that is the root of the problem.

i never wanted to have to deny you. i never wanted you to feel unsatisfied, or unfulfilled emotionally, physically, or personally. perhaps that is precisely why i went back to you, and tried to make it work. but, a difficult lesson was learned: you weren't working, too. with that, i am more and more realising just how much you were right when you once said that we wouldn't be able to make it for the long run.

none of the possible outcomes of me contacting you are particularly appealing. i'm not looking to hurt, or be hurt. so, i suppose it is better to just keep keeping my distance. i have a feeling that you never believed that i could do it, just take you out of my life. i had periods that i gave you the cold shoulder but i always came back. i don't know whether you acknowledge it to yourself or not, but i was actually the person that was least judgemental, and the most trusting, and the purest hearted (in terms of my intentions for you). i wanted to be a constant in your life. but, i didn't want to be used.

you had all of these philosophies and sutras. you said that there was a perfect love, that allowed perfect freedom which opened you to experience love from everyone in different ways. as much as i was "old-fashioned" and held myself to certain ethical and moral guidelines, did you not see that i gave you that freedom? don't misunderstand, i never pushed you into the arms of other women, but after the ones that you were with i didn't hate you and i didn't stop loving you myself. my love wasn't conditional on you being perfect. but, you didn't want it.

so, i guess what i am somewhat trying to say is that i didn't stop loving you. i haven't stopped loving you. loving you less is not why i stopped talking to you. i didn't feel like you were loving me back, or at least you were taking me for granted and not taking into consideration how your actions made me feel.

so, wherever you are, and whomever you're with, i hope that you're happy on monday and you have a good birthday.