firsts

if there was just one thing that i could change about myself, it would be to eliminate my need to see things to completion. i hate starting something and not finishing it. i don't like beginning a book and not reading cover to cover. i don't like even serving myself food and not eating every last bite. i don't like having to cut off conversations. i usually need to listen to the entire song, or watch the entire movie. but, i think i have trouble accepting that we started something and didn't see it through to the end.

i think people that read this (if ever anyone other than myself stops long enough to see words here), they will think that i am sad and pathetic, and that i cannot geet over you. perhaps it is true to a degree. i wouldn't argue that it is slightly strange that i am having all of these thoughts and feelings still. but i tend to think now that maybe i won't completely get over you until there is someone else that i can give myself up to.

does that make sense? i can't stop loving you until i can love someone else. someone told me recently that the last person that you were with is the first person that you start to miss when you feel lonely and sad. you've really been the only one that i have ever been with so it is natural, i suppose, that i should miss you now.

i get the feeling that i've glorified you, that i was disillusioning myself to what you were in my life. i mean, otherwise why didn't my family like you more, and why didn't my friends ask about you more? why? does that naivety come from you having been my "first love"?

you were my first-many things (in no particular order): french kiss, blow job (performed), cunnilingus, shower with a man, sex, sleep with a man, sex outside, sex in a hammock, sex in someone else's house, sex in a car, meditation, man i lied to my parents about seeing, man i spent family christmas with, many i went to a wedding with, man who bought me underwear, man i stayed at an inn with, man i took a road trip with, and probably other small ones.

it's difficult to let go of that. difficult to stop wanting to experience other firsts with you. i wonder if you know that. i wonder whether i got to be part of any firsts for you.