what could make you want to...

i don't know what started this recent fascination with eating disorders, but it has become one of those things that you suddenly notice is everywhere. i'm feeling a number of different emotions on the matter, just one of which is anger.

in retrospect, i am so aware of the ridiculous number of women (and probably men) in my life who have dealt with some kind of challenge when it comes to eating balanced diets. i include myself in this. i don't think i knew it while i was in it, but i recognise now that some of my behaviours could have escalated to dangerous heights. but, my main concern now, my objective, is to understand why people fall into these empty traps, how some get out of them, and what would motivate people on the outside to continue supporting destructive behaviours.

in reading my book, slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment, watching youtube videos about a&e intervention, journalist experiments with fad diets, and personal photo tributes about people struggling with anorexia nervosa, i'm gaining an insight into the underlying commonality: people feel invisible.

now, this idea of being invisible is not simple but rather multi-layered. for some women they want to make themselves disappear because of lack of confidence, shyness, feelings of ugliness, feelings of worthlessness. some women want to make their faults disappear, the failures from their past, that mistake they made that they feel can never be undone. yet still, and this is the most confusing, some women want to blend in so that they can finally stand out. they think that if they look like someone else, act like someone else, be what someone else thinks they should be that somehow they will finally be loved and wanted. but, the truth is that being you, unique, makes you special.

now, when i think of eating disorders i tend to become angry. there are several reasons for this. 1) i get mad at the idea that beautiful, caring, generous women are hurting themselves with their coping methods. it's such a double edged sword; the same thing that they think brings them relief, or peace, or satisfaction, is the very same thing that makes them feel pain, shame, and guilt. i'm angry that our thoughts can be so self destructive. 2) i can literally become irate at the notion that there are people encouraging this behaviour in other, more impressionable people. the example that always comes to mind is dst. whether he'll acknowledge it or not, he breeds a cult. he makes people believe that they are lucky to be in his presence, lucky to be under his guidance, nothing without him. i imagine that many times over he has gotten into situations that he is not equipped to handle, yet he covers up or ignores that reality. it's all for the win. it is obvious that there are people under his direction right now that are suffering, and he is not listening. i hate it. 3) i'm disappointed in the role that our society plays in all mental illness stigmas. i get upset that people today would rather not talk about it, pretend everything is alright, or that these problems are easily and quietly fixed by ignoring or isolating the people that are suffering. the problem is really two-fold: there is not enough attention given to these issues for people that are dealing with them to feel comfortable seeking help; and, once these courageous souls decide to fight their demons, there are not enough resources to help them.

i'm sure that this personal intrigue with anorexia is just an example of how i generally feel about health care globally. it's the needless suffering that gets me everytime. it's the ignorance to others' pain that really gets me going.